Joe’s Weekly, Lengthy, Humorous LOST Review. (You May Enjoy It)
Shephard and Smlocke Together Again For the First Time
Jack/Locke scenes never miss. Those two characters grab my full attention every time. I admit, I was wondering how this confrontation would eventually play out. As we all know, this wasn’t a real Jack/Locke scene, it was a Jack/Smlocke scene, and like someone might say in a Burt Reynolds movie, I dug that scene.
So it wasn’t Locke, but then again, it wasn’t really Jack — at least the Jack we’ve all come to know and love, and be disgusted with, and then feel sorry for, and then like again, and then get sick of pretty soon after that, and then he does something cool and we like him again, but then he acts kind of mopey and dickish amd we’re really past the point of caring, but then he gets all cathartic at the lighthouse and smashes shit and then we’re all like, yeah Jack, do it man! And then he gets reflective and stares out at the ocean, and he finally gets it, and then we’re completely back on his side. So yeah, Jack is Jack, but he’s a better Jack, and even when Jack was a great Jack he wasn’t as good as this Jack.
Anyway, this Jack is not a man of action. He doesn’t act without thinking. This Jack doesn’t even act without permission — from Hurley no less. Of course Hurley was more than cool if Jack wanted to traipse into the dark jungle with spooky Smlocke. Hurley may be a de facto leader at this point, but he doesn’t mind delegating authority when the mission scares the crap out of him.
Speaking of being scared, Jack was scared too, but more importantly he was brave. That seems to be the difference between Jack’s encounter with Smlocke and Desmond’s meeting with the nasty bald one. Desmond was serene. He seemed to know the outcome of this story. He had nothing to fear. Jack on the other hand has no vision of how this will all play out. Desmond has a strong feeling. Jack has faith.
Now who didn’t believe Smlocke when he told Jack he was his father on Day 3? I didn’t. It’s possible he was his dad that day, but I saw a piece of cut footage from that episode years ago where Christian says to Vincent (remember Vincent — looks like he’s gone the way of other TV pets like Tiger from the Brady Bunch) something along the lines of “He’s got a lot of work ahead of him.” Now I realize that scene isn’t canon, but I have a hard time believing Smlocke was Christian on that particular day.
Ghost Daddy Issues
I do assume both Jacob and The Man in Black have traded taking turns playing the part of Christian. That or Christian has been Christian now and then. If Richard’s ghost wife can visit him on the island, there’s no reason Jack’s ghost dad couldn’t do the same.
It’s a safe bet to assume Smlocke hasn’t always been Ghost Christian, because he appeared to Michael on the freighter. (And how could Smokey have gotten on the freighter when he has that water aversion?) And more dramatically, he could not possibly have been Ghost Christian in the hospital during Jack’s 3-year off-island sojourn. If he were, then he would have already successfully made it off the island.
What have we learned from this? We have learned that Smlocke, like the devil, mixes the lies with the truth. Jack says he has no idea what the hell Smlocke is. Smlocke coyly rejects Jack’s feigned ignorance. Jack at least has an idea, and that idea is Satan.
Don’t Chew Be Talking Bad ‘Bout Locke
Jack isn’t thrilled with Smlocke’s lack of respect towards his kinder, gentler look-alike either. Smlocke calls Locke stupid, and worse yet, a sucker. Jack has become a disciple of the late great Johnny Locke, who himself was a disciple of the late, greater Jacob, and Jack is completely down with Team Jacob.
Speaking of Locke, our favorite substitute teacher is on route to the hospital after Desmond collected his 25 points for running over a guy in a wheelchair. Why did Des run over Locke in the first place? Was it because he was trying to kill Locke so he could never be Smlocke? Doubtful. More likely, he was either trying to “wake up” SLU Locke, or introduce him to Dr. Jack Shephard, or both.
House of Mirrors
I’m not sure if I ever mentioned “mirrors” before in this column… Oh wait, now I remember. I always mention mirrors, because years ago when I mentioned my mirror theory it was met with more than a few dismissive waves of the hand. Anyway, Locke’s car accident and unavoidable meeting with Doctor Jack mirrors in my mind how Jack managed to successfully and miraculously heal his ex-wife Sarah after her car accident. She, like Locke was in a car accident shortly before her wedding day, and Jack fixed her up real good. Anyone assuming SLU Jack manages to pull off the same trick with Locke. I’m hoping so. I’m also hoping he doesn’t feel compelled to marry Locke when he’s all better. That would probably be a bit too much for Helen to take.
If you noticed Jack, Smlocke and Claire all spirited away into the jungle during the pitch of night only to reemerge after a couple brief conversations in the sparkling midday sun, there’s only three possible explanations. Either it was a continuity problem, and I highly doubt that, (especially because so many non-believers in my Mirror Theory tried to sluff that observation off as a production gaffe) or they really walked really, really far to have their private chit-chat, or as Daniel Faraday observed a couple seasons ago, time moves much differently on the island than in the real world. I’m going with that thought.
By the way, we’ve all given respect for the acting of many of the regulars on here, but once again I’d like to give a little standing O to Matthew Fox. (Ok, I’m not really standing, I’m sitting here at 2:00 working on my 5th can of Coke, trying to stay awake and avoid grammatical errors because I know some of you hate that.) Fox conveys a lot of emotions with just a glance and a smile. His scene with Emile de Ravin once again showed off his acting chops. “Whether you like it or not, you’re with him now,” forewarns de Ravin’s Claire.
Hell, Hell, The Gang’s All Here
It was nice as Smlocke so eloquently put it, to see everyone together again. Hurley and Sawyer hadn’t had a scene in such a long time, it was nice to see those two mix it up again. Sawyer knows his Star Wars references. He knows what a Wookie is, and he knows what the dark side is, but he’s not a full-blown, dress up like Obi Won, and camp out overnight for tickets to the shitty movies geek like Hurley. Sawyer believes Sayid is a lost cause, but Hurley still remains optimistic. As do I. Mainly because I predicted Sayid would sacrifice himself for the safety of his friends, and die in a selfless, redemptive fashion — much like Anakin does in the third one… which is really the sixth one. Regardless, Hurley has just equated Sayid to Darth Vader. Mark my words (if you didn’t when I said it months ago when Sayid was reborn in the dirty water baptism of Dogen’s temple. Sayid will forfeit his life, so that others may live. (BTW, Ghost Sayid will be reunited with Ghost Nadia, who will be dead, and no longer legally married to Sayid’s brother, so they can have all the guiltless Ghost Sex they want for all eternity.) You have my Joe Oesterle Triple Your Money Back Guarantee* on that one.
*Warning, Joe Oesterle’s Triple Your Money Back Guarantee comes with the same promise of payment as his Double Your Money Back, and his regular old, Single Your Money Back Guarantee.
Meanwhile on SLU, Sawyer, also known as Detective Ford takes a bite of an apple and offers it to fellow sinner and captive, Kate Austen. This is undoubtedly an tip of the cap to Adam and Eve seekers, but there’s no way Sawyer and Kate are Adam and Eve. You have my Joe Oesterle Triple Your Money Back Guarantee* that Sawyer will be sipping a coffee with the love of his life, Juliet in some coffee shop on Sweetzer and Melrose before all is said and done.
*Warning, the validity of Joe Oesterle’s Triple Your Money Back Guarantee was already explained two paragraphs ago.
Play It Again Sam
So there they were, Kate and Sawyer being all bantering all playful and lusty like the old days in the sex cages. Deyective Ford paraphrases Bogie with “Out of all the cars in Los Angeles, you smash into mine.” If you recall, Bogie didn’t get Ingrid Bergman in that flick. He probably went Dutch on an espresso with some other broad after the credits rolled.
Despite being handcuffed to the chair, Kate was declared the winner of that round after cleverly figuring out the charming officer didn’t want his Australian holiday leaked. This display of deduction intrigues Ford, but before he can serve the next flirtatious volley, he gets called away to check out Sayid the Jabroni. (Who knew Miles was a Hulk Hogan fan?)
The Section in Which I Reference Star Trek
Meanwhile back on the island Liz Lemon orders an air strike. The Losties all duck for cover during the explosion, but not Smlocke. Smlocke smlirked. Missile don’t hurt him, and he knows it. So why, you wonder would Charles Widmore, who must be armed with this information as well, start bombing Smlocke? The answer: He isn’t trying to bomb Smlocke. Widmore knows Smlocke can’t be defeated with bombs, and he also knows Smlocke needs all the candidates alive in order to leave the island. He may only need the actual candidate alive, but since Widmore doesn’t seem to know who that person is, (nor does Smlocke) Widmore is willing to play the cold game of “I’ll kill them all if it means you can’t get off the island.” Widmore isn’t a bad guy. Smlocke is. Widmore is however in a position of power, and is equipped with a little knowledge. He is willing to sacrifice the lives of the few, because they don’t outweigh the lives of the many.
It was nice to see Ilana again. Not sure if my far-fetched Ilana was in bandages because Jacob time-traveled to rescue her after she was blow up and pieced her together in a crummy remote third world hospital theory will ever pan out, but you will notice I don’t give it even my Joe Oesterle Single Your Money Back Guarantee*.
*I you haven’t figured it out. It’s worthless anyway.
Desmond is Well
Like Jacob, Locke and Jack before him, it’s now SLU Desmond’s turn to reacquaint himself with some old friends. This time, as fate would have it, he meets up with Claire again and offers to introduce her to a lady lawyer he’s “seeing.” We all know what “seeing” means in SLU Desmond’s world, and good for him. If you’re going to have to live on an island for three years pushing a button every 108 minutes, and then you get into an exclusive relationship before you get to sew any wild oats, you should be allowed to exercise some indiscriminant fornicating in an alternative universe. It’s cosmically just.
Island Des on the other hand is down the well – busted, bloody and damp. Luckily he has those transferred memories of alternative universe indiscriminant fornication to keep him going so when Smlocke’s hit-bitch Sayid makes a visit. Seems Smlocke made Sayid a promise to reunite him with his lost love. This is a subject Desmond Hume knows a thing or two about, and he gives Sayid time to pause and wonder if following Smlocke’s orders is such a good idea.
I’m starting to wonder if Terry O’Quinn is lactating. Those moobs of his are getting fuller each week. Too bad babies are such a rare occurrence on LOST Island, because those tits of his could easily nourish an island full of newborns.
Look, Up in the Sky…
It’s worth wondering why Sayid was staring up at the trees, or the sky when Smlocke finally tracked him down. I have no theories whatsoever on this matter, but I am on Coke number 6, and my eyes are starting to bleed again. If anyone feels like giving their own guarantees, I’m open. Did Sayid shoot Desmond? Maybe he did, but he was definitely lying when he said he killed him. (It was interesting that Smlocke followed up Sayid’s admission that he “shot” an innocent man, with, “did you kill him?” Smlocke enjoys playing with the truth, and Sayid enjoyed playing with Smlocke a little here.
A few seasons ago, Jack would have told Claire about Sawyer’s plan to escape on the “Elizabeth.” This Jack must have felt the responsibility to his half sister to at least feel her out vis-Ã -vis her loyalty to Locke – but to his credit, Jack once again, followed orders. (It is not his strong suit as Sawyer pointed out.)
It came as no surprise to me that Claire would find her way onboard from the moment Sawyer forbade it. That’s how this show works. I was happy to see that Jack, while he had to be tempted to include his crazy sister in on the escape plan, didn’t. Not that I wanted him to ditch the saucy little Aussie, but I wanted to make sure Jack would trust his faith, and Jack’s faith is guiding him to not make bold moves.
Cap’n Sawyer’s Love Boat
Kate manages to convince Claire she’s still one of them, and Sawyer decides it’s time to have some guy talk with Jack. Once again, we are treated to a mirroring of previous seasons. This time Jack Shepard is playing the role of John Locke, and Sawyer is doing his best Jack Shephard impersonation. This scene echoed the one in which Locke pleads with Jack not to leave on the helicopter. He implores Sawyer to search his feelings (he doesn’t say it, but it’s implied) but Sawyer is way past caring. He still furiously holds Jack responsible for Juliet’s death, and Jack manned up and apologized for his role in her demise.
In another mirroring, Jack selflessly jumps into the ocean ala Sawyer on the chopper all those years ago. I gotta say, these guys are some seriously strong swimmers. Jack had to be a mile offshore wearing shoes, jeans and a backpack, and still managed to stand upright when he finally made it to shore.
General Hospital Drama
Back over at SLU Hospital, Sun, who had previously freaked out at the sight of an injured John Locke, just received the news that both she and her baby were fine. Jin, perhaps prophetically tells her, “We’re all going to be, okay?” This certainly hints at a, to borrow a title from a recent episode, “Happily Ever After” ending for all involved. Oh, and you know who I think was the attending doctor to Sun Paik? A certain baby doctor, who very probably gave birth to David Shephard, and also will be sharing a cuppa with a certain charismatic former conman in another life. That’s who I think is Sun’s physician.
In another wing at the same hospital Jack looks down into a mirror (there it is again) and recognizes his patient.
It Was No Des and Penny
And finally Sun and Jin get their much-anticipated reunion, but I have to say, it fell a little flat for me. Especially when compared to the Des/Penny reunions, and even the Hurley/Libby get-together. Lapidus’ corny line didn’t do much to help the fact that while touching, the embrace did not live up to expectations.
Any warm and fuzzies you had were short-lived anyway, because Widmore ordered Lemon to take our Losties hostage. My guess is Widmore won’t try to kill them, but he may make sure they don’t have the ability to roam free while he’s trying to capture/kill Smlocke.
Shephard and Smlocke Together Again For the Second Time
With Jack unaccounted for, Widmore gives the order to fire on the other island. Again, that mortar came dangerously close to Jack, as he was sent flailing a good 30 feet into the sand. I’m curious what was actually being said while Jack was coming to. I have a hunch it may have been the operating room chatter as SLU Jack was trying to save SLU Locke.
And so Smlocke threw Jack over his enormous breasts, then over his powerful shoulders, and rescued his long-time nemesis. Of course it was not the act of a hero, but the act of a man who needs something — and that something is to keep all the candidates breathing until he’s off that island. I have to say, something in O’Quinn’s final words to Jack made me think the old Locke was shining through, but his words unfortunately harkened back to Claire’s caveat, “ You’re with me now.”
I’m making one more prediction tonight (3:49AM Wednesday morning L.A. time) Jack will lose the ability to walk for a brief time.
Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if want to spot Nestor Carbonell — He was hiding underneath the walkie-talkie Smlocke smlashed.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings the Jack/Smlocke summit) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do Google.. hah, I didn’t even need Google this time) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.
Check out some of Joe Oesterle’s artwork. He just updated the Design section on his site. Let him know what you think.