Dazed and Confused
Confused? I am. Though not as confused as I was when I heard about the LOST Spin-off. Apparently Ben, Baby Kwon, Father Mulcahy and Klinger all signed up to do a new dramedy entitled, “AfterLost.” Talk about hi-jinx.
And yes, let’s talk about hi-jinx, because It’s 2:00 AM, I’ve watched this show once for fun, then once again while taking notes, and I still not sure I fully understand everything. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this other than my girlfriend, and to be honest she’s too busy crying to discuss what we just watched. (Twice) I am fairly certain, regardless of the early morning hours, I can hear a certain percentage of the viewing public screaming foul. “They were dead the whole time? I called that back in Season One! This is some serious hi-jinx!”
Were they dead the whole time? We know at the end Christian assured Jack that everything that happened to him was real, but does that mean he had a son? Didn’t that happen to him, or was that all just the dream he was supposed to wake up from. Yeah, probably just a dream. Locke told Jack he didn’t have a son, and that seemed to shake Jack’s foundation a bit. So I guess that was just part of Jack’s dream. The dream Rose tried to wake Jack from way back in 2004, otherwise known as February 2nd 2010 during this season’s premiere.
Please bear with me, because I’m still pondering as I type this. Jenn (the girlfriend) is still awake and her tears have subsided, but we’re still debating whether or not they all died when the 815 originally crashed. That could have happened – couldn’t it? Or, did some of those passengers miraculously escape death only to die in this season’s finale?
At this moment I’m thinking, based purely on Miles ability to commune with the dead in his own way, that Claire died in that explosion a couple of seasons ago. Claire definitely registered as a walking corpse on Miles’ deadometer. Dammit. I don’t know. I get why Lapidus, Miles and Alpert were on the plane, but not sure why Sawyer, Claire and Kate had to board as well. Was it just to make Jack’s eventual final eye close more dramatic? Sawyer, Claire and Kate were in the church for their own funeral, but the other guys weren’t. So, if everything was real, did those guys make it off the island, and did Sawyer, Kate and Claire just disappear from that plane? Is there a universe somewhere in which Frank Lapidus, Richard Alpert and Miles Straum are wondering what happened to the three other people in that Ajira plane?

Still Not Sure
Maybe they were all dead too. Lapidus could have really died in the sub. Alpert could have been killed by Smokey’s tree toss. Not sure how Miles may have died, or if any of them actually did die. Sonuvabitch this hurts my head.
Hey! How the hell did Penny die? She was at the big funeral. But where was baby Charlie? Did Des and Pen never have baby Charlie? The Kwons apparently never had Ji Yeon. Or did they? If everything that happened to them is real where are the offspring of the Kwons and Humes? At least we can be certain everyone in the church was going to heaven. We of course know this because Nikki and Paulo were nowhere to be seen.
Without figuring out if I figured this ending out, I figure I can say I still enjoyed the show. Of course, it’s hard not to like a tear jerking, happily ever after ending — even if all the good guys died. But did I feel cheated? I’m still not sure.

Maybe If I Just Write Out My Thoughts…
Let’s discuss the show itself and maybe I’ll put it together — for myself at least. Jack confessed to Sawyer that he didn’t feel much different after being anointed as the new Jacob. So Jack did not receive an epiphany from Jacob’s wine?
Hey, maybe I just got an epiphany too. Hurley, while going on about Yoda, and quoting the one phrase that’s in every single Star Wars film – both the good three and the ridiculously shitty three — “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” follows that up with, “…this would be sweet if we weren’t all about to die.” For now at least, I take that as Hurley informing us all that they are not yet dead. Though I still maintain Claire may have been.

Freedom of Choice… Kind of
Speaking of Hurley, here’s another thing that has me perplexed. How come when the big man parks his big Hummer outside the big motel he stresses to Sayid he has an option in whether or not he stays with Hugo? He informs Sayid he thinks he’s a good guy and tells him he’ll be happy if he sticks with him, but he emphasizes Sayid’s freedom of choice. This freedom for some reason does not apply to Charlie. Hurley tranqs the blitzed Brit and takes him to the concert against his will. Could someone clear up that inconsistency for me please?
Like Lassie, it appears Vincent also rescues people who are stuck in wells. More likely it was Rose and Bernard who pulled Desmond out, but they appear to be more effective in covering their own tracks. Not that it mattered, because Smlocke picked up their scent, and after finagling a guarantee to never harm the old couple, Desmond accepted his journey with the cranky dark cloud-man.

Wakey Wakey
Back in the Safe Landing Universe (SLU) or what we now may refer to as the Dream World (or DW for those of you who love initials) Miles informs Detective Ford that he just saw Sayid Jarrah at his father’s museum concert benefit thing, and asks him to check in on the Korean couple at the hospital. At that same moment, the Korean couple are being checked in on by a certain baby doctor/baby mama/ baby oh baby.
Dr. Juliet goops Sun’s belly up (that sounded way more sexual than it actually was) and triggers an awakening for Sun. Soon after, Jin also “wakes up” to flashes of island heartache and joy. They laugh, they cry, they learn English.
Up the hall a few rooms, Dr. Jack and John Locke, are making small talk. Jack previously had Locke’s skull X-ray superimposed over his own face, leaving the audience with an interesting view of duality of these two bitter and loving frenemies. At the same moment DW Jack is lightening the mood by telling DW Locke he may kill him on the operating table, Original Timeline (OT) Jack is laying it out for Smlocke, “I’m going to kill you,” snarls OT Jack, and OT Jack isn’t lol-ing. “See you on the other side,” winks DW Jack.

Not Nadia
Turns out Sayid’s big love wasn’t Nadia after all. Now that one reeks a little of “let’s pull a clever fast one on the audience,” but most of us already entertained that notion and rejected it. We’ve seen Sayid haunted by his love for Nadia before the Oceanic crash, on the island, back in the real world as an Oceanic Sixer, and also in the DW. It’s hard for me at least to buy into the big love of Sayid’s life not being Nadia. How long could he have really known Shannon? 3 days? 3 weeks tops? Danny and Sandy had a whole Summer of lovin’ before returning to Rydell High. That makes sense. But we’re supposed to believe Sayid and Shannon’s devotion for each other rivals that of the Australian virgin and the Greasy Thunderbird? Sayid and Shannon never even made out under the dock – though they did stay out till way past 10 o’clock.

Are You Ready To Rock… Or at Least Roll?
Meanwhile at the social event of the year, many of our characters have assembled at table number 23. (See Hurley’s famous numbers.) Even Desmond is surprised to find out that Kate and Claire have already formed a relationship.
Every big act needs a warm-up guy to whip the crowd into a frenzy. This man should never be Pierre Chang. Sadly for Daniel and the Driveshafts that’s exactly who it is.
You know what’s more bizarre than the bass player of an experimental rock fusion band leaving the stage in mid-performance because he fancies the pregnant bird in the audience? It’s when the bass player of an experimental rock fusion band leaves the stage in mid-performance because he fancies the pregnant bird in the audience, and both he and the chickadee are stone cold dead already, but don’t yet know it.
Do you know how to make a dead bass player and his dead girlfriend realize they’re already dead? Answer: The dead girl gives birth.
In an episode full of mirroring scenes, Kate once again assists Claire as she gives birth to baby Aaron. Once Charlie touches Claire’s hand he realizes all is well and they’re all dead.

Two Sides. One Light. One Dark.
Meanwhile on the island, Desmond, who has been walking through this story like a man who knows the ending, suddenly isn’t sure if he read that last page correctly. After being lowered by Goofus and Gallant, Desmond pulls the proverbial cork out of the proverbial wine bottle, but instead of disappearing in the beautiful light, all hell is proverbially breaking loose.
Smlocke smugly takes his leave of the cave, but Jack doesn’t care for his tone, and tells him so with a couple of punches to the back of his head and at least one on the kisser, which much to Smlocke’s surprise draws blood for the first time in a couple thousand years. Without the beautiful light, they’re no longer immortal. Smlocke is still thoroughly immoral though, so he grabs the nearest rock (neither white of black but grey) and smashes it on the side of Jack’s very vulnerable head and makes good his escape.

The Two Bens
While on the topic of good and evil, let’s discuss one Benjamin Linus; a man who knows a thing or two about both sides. While it did look like Ben was happily about to turn Sawyer over to Smlocke earlier in the episode, it’s impossible to tell what his true motives were. It certainly looked as if Ben was once again up to his old selfish ways, but he’s been a very ambiguous character from the get go.
What isn’t so vague however is how Ben sacrificed himself in order to protect Hurley from a falling tree. That was just Ben reacting without thinking — and his natural inclination was to be good. When Ben declines to join the rest inside the church, both Locke and Hurley understand. Ben, while by this time is more good than bad, is good enough to realize he’s not good enough. Yet.

…and the Winner, is….
Here’s one thing I think we can all agree on; it’s dangerous to run down a slick rocky mountain during a thunderstorm at a guy with a big sharp knife. I guess we finally found out how Jack got that cut on his neck. What we didn’t find out is if DW Locke’s balls still ached from OT Jack’s well-place tempest crotch kick.
And how ‘bout that Kate saving the day in the nick o’ time? I know many of you out there can’t stand Kate. I was once like you, but I’m glad that I publicly came out a few weeks ago and renounced my Khater membership. Like Smlocke kicked Jacob into the flames, Jack kicked Smlocke off the cliff. Smlocke fell like a man falling from a tall high rise. Who’s your daddy now Smlocke?
Jack makes yet another hero’s journey back to the caves with Hurley and Ben in tow, but not before Kate kisses her man, and mirroring another pair of good guy criminals, she and Sawyer plummet into the water like Newman and Redford’s Butch and Sundance.

Jack, You’re Going to Be Late For Your Own Funeral
Back in the DW, John Locke wakes up from the anesthesia and his dream state around the same time. He’s wiggling his old man toes, and really should have taken a nail clipper to those things before he went under. He’s not engaged, and he informs Jack he doesn’t have a kid. Those were just more happy dreams to keep them from wanting to wake up. He’s a little surprised Jack has yet to rouse up yet, but he’s hopeful and happy it will happen soon.

Goin’ Dutch
Down the hospital hall in the break room, Detective Ford has his hand caught in the candy jar, and no one by now is surprised when he’s caught by his lady love, Juliet. The candy machine wasn’t functioning properly, but that’s not what Juliet was referring to she told Miles from beyond the grave, “It worked!” And it did work. Once again mirroring a previous scene, the two are embrace in a passionate kiss and agree to split a coffee in the future. Personally, I rarely drink the stuff, but I’ve already had 3 large cappuccinos and 3 more cans of Coke. It’s almost 5 AM for me. Doesn’t look like I’ll be getting any sleep for another 12 hours either. It does however look like DW Jack is going to wake up soon.

Hurley is Number One
OT Jack meanwhile swears Hurley in as the new him. It’s not Hurley’s dream gig, but then again, DW Hurley has been wide-awake for some time now. A little communion beverage in an old Oceanic water bottle is the perfect chalice for Hurley’s transformation.
Jack is lowered and Desmond is raised. “See you in another life, brother,” Jacks smiles.
He then manages to put the plug back in the Jacuzzi of Life and Death, and just lies there laughing uncontrollably for a while as the magic water starts to refill. Jack probably had his butt on the nozzle, and let’s all admit it… if a regular hot tub nozzles feels good there, imagine what an enchanted underwater deep soul enema feels like. Must be heaven.

A Man of Faith(s)
Speaking of which, Kate can’t wait for Jack to get on board the Cloud Nine Train, but she’s dead, so she’s got time. Go in the back door, and I’ll meet you inside, she tells him. So Jack walks by the outstretched arms of Jesus, and into a very religious room. Very religious. All the major beliefs are represented. Catholicism and Judaism of course, but also the other Christian divisions as well as the Hindu, Shinto, Islam religions too.
I think many of us realized a bit before it happened that Jack wasn’t going to wake up until he confronted the coffin. We also probably surmised Christian wouldn’t be inside, which means Jack would finally realize, like Bruce Willis did before him, that he was dead for some time now.
The news was at first upsetting to Jack. Unlike the rest of his departed friends, Jack had resisted waking up the way other guys keep hitting the snooze button. Even though OT Jack was a full-fledged hero and man of faith, DW Jack was still not completely sold. When he finally believed however, he was given a champion’s welcome and a seat of honor as his tennis shoe wearing daddy opened up the doors to the light. Close up on OT Jack’s eye, this time closing, and cut to black. The end.

Not Same Time, Not Same Channel
Except this isn’t the end. This is just the beginning of what will likely become weeks of spirited debates, I told you so’s, what did this mean, that sucked, that was great, and mostly, what will we do with our Tuesday nights now? So while I would like to go to sleep for a day, it’s now 6:00 AM, and I’m a half an hour from the shower.
It’s been a great six year television run, and on a personal note it’s been great discussing, debating and theorizing all the minutia on this website with you people. I made some pretty impressive predictions during this time if I do say so myself, and I may have even been incorrect a time or two, but who’s counting? I had a great time as a viewer, and an even better time as a reviewer.
Thank you all for getting LOST with me, and I hope you’ll continue to read me on these pages and on my own site. And now, the camera fixes in on an extreme close up of my blood shot eye as I close it for a second and then pop it open real quick to realize I’m still alive, and to borrow a phrase from a mobisode, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Joe Oesterle is a seven-time published author. His latest book, “Weird Hollywood” is due out September of this year. In the meantime, please check out the animation section of his website. Once you’re there, watch ‘em all. The guy just pulled an all-nighter for you. Watch his damned cartoons already OK?
http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/animation/

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Could That Shirt Be Any Redder?
That was some red shirt that pregnant shipwrecked lady was wearing, huh?
At first glance the latest episode seemed to answer a good amount of questions, but just as Jacob and MIB’s “mother” informed the twin-bearer ever so cleverly, “Every question I answer will only lead to another question.” Then Mother told Claudia to just be glad to be alive, in the most non-threatening threatening way I’ve ever witnessed.

It’s Coming.
Ahhhhhhhnnn! The pregnant woman moaned, “It’s coming!” Reminiscent of Jacob’s assertion to MIB “They’re coming,” the exclamation could have also been in reference to the oncoming labor pains, or, the “it” in “it’s coming” could have been a direct response to the arrival of the man who would one day dress in dark robes. A man who has been constantly referred it as “it” in the past so many episodes.
Those damned sharp writers did it to us again. Claudia names Jacob immediately as he pops from the womb, and we’re all waiting for the name of the mysterious one, the new mother almost apologetically mentions she didn’t have another name in mind. I have to believe the kid was named, but we were never allowed to hear it. Then again, there are some religions that maintain the devil does not have a name.
So what was it about the birth of the second, hairier baby? (A hint out there to all who wanted his name to be Esau — though biblical Esau was the first born.) Did anyone get the feeling if this shipwrecked ancient mariner only had Jacob, her Mother’s Day present may not have been a rock through her skull?
“Mother” certainly seemed more interested in the second child — that’s for sure.

Bored Games
Flash forward a dozen years and the two kids are playing an ancient version of backgammon, called Senet. For some reason, the BIB (Boy in Black) has an innate knowledge of the game, while his twin brother has no such special understanding.
So they did indeed answer one question there. The blond boy who’s been running around the jungle, visible to only certain people is indeed Jacob. But the next question raised is how the hell does anyone automatically know how to play ancient board games when he’s likely never even had his feet wet in a game of Chutes and Ladders.
We do find out the BIB is special, because his “mother” tells us so, and we believe that’s not some murderous pseudo-maternal pride, because she doesn’t seem to extend that same sort of inspiration to her fairer-haired child.

No One Guilts Like Momma.
Mother is pretty special herself. She knows when Jacob is lying about just walking on the beach, and she knows how to guilt the young lad into telling her the truth. “Jacob, you love your mother, don’t you? Tell mama the truth.” Geez. And I thought my mom had a patent on that kind of guilt trip. I guess all moms are “special” too.
I am curious why Mother didn’t just give the board game to the two of them. Instead she chose to allow BIB specifically to find it. BIB for his part was afraid the old lady would take it away if she did find it, because he suspected it came from a world beyond the sea. A world his mother forbade him to believe in, in spite of his intelligent and curious nature. Mother also seemed to take more pride in the fact that her little dark-haired man was capable of deceit than the fact that Jacob was absolutely incapable of such guile.

Form of a Special Kid, Shape of an Ordinary One
After a mirroring of seasons one and two, this time it’s the Wonder Twins who find themselves crouching behind the island’s vegetation while strange and violent “Others” intrude upon their soil. The boys run home to Mother, informing her of the presence of men. When pressed for answers of these other people, she blindfolds her charges immediately, and marches them to the opening of the Cave of Warm Beautiful Light. All the while, impressing on the children that these beings are not to be trusted. Word for word she delivers the phrase uttered by MIB to her kids for the first time. “They come they fight, they destroy, they corrupt and it always ends the same.”
What is in the tunnel the inquisitive BIB wants to know. A little bit of that light is inside every man, Mother informs him. She then beams with pride when he admits to being taken by its beauty.

Warm Light = Forbidden Fruit?
They didn’t come right out and say it, but if the explanation is solely religious, then I’d be placing my wagers that the light was the island version of the tree of knowledge. Mother is fiercely protective of this light. She worries that men will ruin the inherent goodness with their greed. She’s probably got a fair point there, and lets the kids know that one of them will need to protect that light some day. I do expect a scientific answer to all of the island mysticism as well, and I’m curious how this light will be explained under the antiseptic glare of pure reason.
It’s worth noting that between the two boys, BIB is easily the more charismatic, bright and intuitive of the two, and as such, he becomes a much more compassionate and newly nuanced character.

So Was this Ghost Claudia the Smoke Monster?
He is special. He, like Hurley can see dead people. Does that mean Hurley will also turn bad one day, or does that mean the vision BIB saw, and only BIB saw of his real mother, Claudia, was the smoke monster? And what of the ghosts Hurley spoke to off the island? Was that the Smoke Monster too? Doesn’t seem likely, because then he’d already have his wish.
Whether it was the actual ghost of Claudia, or the Smoke Monster playing more of his trickery, this vision did speak the truth. The woman the young boy believes to be his mother is not — Claudia is. The woman he believed to be his mother his real mother, and the woman he believed to be his mother lied to him about there not being anything beyond the sea. This kid now has some serious trust issues.

His Brother’s Keeper
Being a good and loving brother, BIB needs to inform Jacob of this horrendous news. He wakes him up to inform him they’re leaving home, and oh yeah, mother is a bat shit crazy lady who somehow manages to keep her hair tidier than Claire. Jacob finds the whole thing hard to swallow. He wasn’t ever very special, and he never felt as loved, but he feels a connection to the island, and can’t bring himself to abandon the only parent he ever knew — even if she does admit to him later that she did kill his biological mom.
And so momma’s boy Jacob literally looms large in the background of the island home he grew up. Mother never talks about BIB – who by this time has become a full-fledged MIB, but Jacob still hangs out with him from time to time for a rollicking game of move the black and white stones. Seriously, these two missed out on Candyland, Hungry, Hungry Hippos, and Mousetrap. No Operation, or Etch-a-Sketch, or that thing where you grab your magnet and move the metal shavings around to draw beards and hair on Willy. Just moving stones around.

Magnets and Jesus, Science and Faith

Speaking of magnets though, MIB shows Jacob a pretty cool trick with his death dagger. He throws and it sticks to the surface of a rock. MIB’s not sure what causes it, and while he agrees with Mother’s assessment of humans being bad, he does give them credit for their ingenuity, and decides to use them as an end to his means. His end being what he has dreamed about since he was a wee BIB; getting off the island, and going home. Wherever that may be.
Jacob for his part doesn’t see the people his mother warned them about as bad, but in a fancy bit of obvious God/Jesus allusion, Jacob reports, it’s easy to not get the whole story when you’re “looking down at us from above.”
Upon arriving home, Mother asks Jacob what he did that day, and like the kid who is sick and tired of his mother asking him questions she already knows the answer to, Jacob rolls his eyes, and says to her she already knows.

Sympathy for this Devil

Mother knows quite a bit, but she decides to go in for a closer look, and finds MIB and the mortals have been digging wells. Mother descends to the fiery furnace and witnesses her son, his face glowing red, stoking the flames. If Jacob was meant to appear as if he dwelled in the heavens, MIB was definitely depicted as a sympathetic Satan figure.
It is easy to see why MIB would assume his “mother” was bad, but as we are starting to see, not everything in Blackandwhiteland is black and white. There are many shades of degreed grey. This of course leads me to once again assert that good and evil depends on perspective, and those of you who have (and probably still will) cast Benjamin Linus and Charles Widmore into the “evil” camp should probably take another look at what lead them down their roads. Not long ago it seemed that MIB was just evil incarnate, but I think it’s justifiable to see a reasonable and good man who just wants the freedom to pick up and move if he’d like. All of our island-bound LOSTies (except Hurley) have committed murder in the hope of getting off that island. Why would this tortured soul be judged differently? Especially considering the years of anguish he’s had to deal with.
While the amount of ancient wells on the island is no longer a mystery to us, and the frozen donkey wheel was partially explained — though why it was so cold when Ben went to turn the wheel I can only surmise that the island had moved to more frigid region by then, as promised, we were presented with another question. Who filled in the well? That looks like a lot of work for just one middle-aged crazy lady. Not only that; who killed the entire village? Smoke Momma?

Mom Always Liked You Best
Mother and Jacob return to the Cave of the Warm Beautiful Light, and Jacob once again complains to his mother that he felt second best in a race of two. Mother says stop your whining and drink your wine, right after she literally passes him the torch. As the fluid passed down Jacob’s throat, he seemed to receive an unspoken clarity he never had before. Mother announced they were now one, which kind of creeped me out to be honest. No guy wants to hear that phrase from his mom. Jacob is going to suffer from performance anxiety in the bedroom. That’s my boldest prediction to date.

… And that Your Honor is Why I Killed My Mother.
The whole killing everybody he lived with for the past 30 years really tore it for MIB. He was going to get his vengeance and it was going to be swift. Coming up behind his mother, not allowing her to say a word (which is probably important) he shoved his death dagger in her back, and as he teared up, suddenly not knowing if he did the right thing, she thanked him. This lead me to believe Mother knew all along that one of her stolen children would one day protect the Cave of Warm and Beautiful Light, and the other would one day shiv her prison-style. She just had the kids mixed up for 40 some years.
Jacob has always been the physically stronger of the two, and he had no problem pummeling MIB when he saw the body of his dead mother lying on the ground, and his brother holding the bloody weapon. Off he marches him down to the Cave, and sends him to a fate, his mother warned was worse than death.

Humanity Taken
Floating not so merrily down the stream, we are lead to surmise the unconscious MIB either becomes, or becomes a part of the Smoke Monster we have all come to know and loathe. Jacob hadn’t killed his brother like Cain did to Abel. He did something far worse. He took away his brother’s humanity and created a monster. (Some would make the same analogy of Widmore and Ben.)
Another question pops up. Did Mother plan all of this from the moment she saw IIB? (Infant in Black) Another is answered, and no one wins the Adam and Eve pool. I guess I’ll just hold on to all that money. Shoot I forgot to collect it. OK, everyone just send your 10 dollars into me; Joe Oesterle, Sunny Southern California. I’ll invest it in something nice. Like next month’s rent.

I Was So Sure I Had it All Figured Out
Overall I’m feeling more confused than when I went into this episode, and I would not have assume that to be possible this late in the game. Give these guys credit. They did manage to give us a full 60 minutes of entertainment AND without the support of a single main character (although it can be argued there have only ever been these two main characters.)
This is an episode that will take another viewing, some discussion, and some more research before I come down on it’s true grade, but for now, I’ll give it a B and expect people to hit me from both sides.
With only 3 and a half hours of story left, I can’t imagine we’re going to get every question answered even if Mathew Fox pulled up a stool and did a Q&A for the entire finale. Part of me is wavering, but most of me still has the faith. This episode was not at all what I expected, and I’m still not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Get it. Not sure if “it” is a good thing or a bad thing. Pretty clever button on the story there, Joe.

Joe Oesterle just created a new piece of animation. If you’re a comic book fan, you may enjoy this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCTRXV0RbSA

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Just 4 Hours Left
With a mere 4 hours left of our favorite program, I felt like this episode was good, but not as good as I was expecting. It was like sitting down and seeing a pile of bacon in front of you, but when you put the bacon in your mouth, there’s something not right about it. Not that it isn’t delicious – that can’t be the case, because bacon is never not delicious. It’s just that this particular batch of bacon, delicious as it was, was not as delicious as bacon usually is. Still and all, it was pretty good bacon, and pretty good bacon beats the hell out of excellent corned beef hash. (And I like corned beef hash – it just can’t hold a candle to bacon.)

Pause For Dramatic Effect
We open up to John Locke waking up in his hospital bed. Dr. Jack Shephard smiling beside him. Jack informs the groggy Locke that he might be a “candidate” (hold for dramatic pause) for a new type of surgical procedure to help him walk again. The news intrigues Locke momentarily, but as it turns out, Locke has his own reasons for staying wheelchair bound. There’s something this Locke ain’t saying, but the good thing about the Safe Landing Universe (SLU) versions of these characters is they don’t make us wait 3 seasons before we start to figure out their secrets.
Speaking of secrets, many of us suspected Rose knew something strange was happening way back during that successful plane landing at the beginning of this season. It would appear, thanks to the odd musical scoring and his own dramatic pausing after he uttered the words “flight 815,” that Rose’s husband Bernard is also in on the game. (Perhaps this is how Rose knew Bernard could not have been dead back when he was a a member of the Tailies way back when.) Truth be told, Rose and Bernard seem to know more than they let on since last season when the couple asked Juliet if she’d like to stay for tea.
Bernard, citing doctor/patient confidentiality refused to give Jack any info on Locke’s preexisting condition, but I suspect this was more ancient island rules than some sort of medical ethics. He does hand Jack a slip of paper that reads, “Anthony Cooper, ” and like island-bound Kate just a few episodes prior, bids Jack goodbye with the words, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Lapidus, Key Parties and Sex Cages
Island-bound Kate in the meantime is about relive some old memories of cage sex with Sawyer — except this time there’s going to be plenty more witnesses. Something about the way Lapidus keeps his shirt unbuttoned to his navel tells me this won’t be Frank’s first time in a cage with three other dudes and two chicks.
Widmore assures his captives he is placing them behind bars for their own good. While Sawyer finds that hard to believe, I don’t. I also think it’s entirely possible Widmore would have kacked Kate in the head just to get the 815ers in the cages. Luckily for her, Sawyer knew Kate’s name was crossed off, so he complied without finding out if Widmore was bluffing or not. Widmore, while not a traditional white hat wearing good guy, is definitely working for the good guy’s side. He’s not doing this out of a sense of right or wrong, but more likely out of a sense of guilt over what his greed and lust for power has done to him. (Let his son die, isolated his daughter, and driven an irreparable wedge between himself and the love of his life.)
Unfortunately for Lapidus’ libido, that big dark misty plume of prudishness, the Smoke Monster, is going to piss all over the sex cage orgy before it even gets interesting. Sayid cuts the power, Smokey starts tossing bodies, and Kate, who has the shortest arms in the entire cage is the one reaching for the keys. Luckily, (for everyone except horndog Lapidus) it’s Action Jack to the rescue, and he springs the gang out of the pokey, just like in the good ol’ days.

It’s all About Character
I have always enjoyed the attention to individual characters on this show, so I was happy to see Sawyer, who angrily commanded Jack to “jump ship” a few hours before, offered the doc a penitent thanks. That simple 2-second exchange said quite a bit about Sawyer’s integrity, but it said even more about the writer’s love and respect for each of these fictional individuals. Of course Sawyer would be grateful to be released, and of course Sawyer would feel conflicted about accepting help from a man he turned his back on only a couple of hundred minutes ago. But Sawyer, the contrite former conman turned hero would never allow his pride to come before his masculine code of honor.

Nice Bullets Weakling
A few miles away, Smlocke is so damn masculine that bullets only annoy him. By the way, did anyone do their homework on this guy? Surely Widmore was aware ordinary weaponry was no match for the legendary Man in Black. Sonic fences are a deterrent, so why not equip your military team with handheld versions of that particular disincentive. I don’t know if sonic guns exist, but with Widmore’s resources and his knowledge of what doesn’t work on Smlocke, you’d think he would have brought a few experimental prototypes along for his goons to fire. They couldn’t do any worse.
And so like a 76th level Deathknight slicing through a few 3rd level Tree Druids, Smlocke enters the Ajira, only to find the cabin is rigged with explosives. Smlocke is only too happy to smile his sinister smile and blame the potentially volatile situation on Widmore. Personally I will assume ol’ Charles had nothing to do with the C4 bricks, as it was more likely Richard, Miles and Ben who were responsible for setting up the bombs. I will also assume Ben knew a place back in New Otherton where they could get their hands on the charges. Regardless, Smlocke took the opportunity to place the blame on Widmore, and Sawyer took the opportunity to take Smlocke into his confidence and guarantee his allegiance to Smlocke.
Of course, as good a con artist as Sawyer is he can’t beat the devil at his own game. That’s why Charlie Daniels challenged him to a fiddle playin’ contest. Everyone with a lick of sense knows the devil’s natural musical instrument is the accordion.

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy
If Jack has figuratively traded places with the original man of faith, John Locke this season, it appears Sawyer has taken up Jack’s old mantra of act first, regret later. Sawyer’s main complaint with Jack’s leadership abilities was that Jack never took the time to develop a real plan. He just went in firing all cold and reactionary-like. Suddenly Sawyer has lost his tactical edge and he’s learning the hard way that leading on the fly is a much bigger gamble.
Jack on the other hand, is happy to turn the reigns over to anyone else who wants the responsibility of the lives of others. He’s willing to go ahead with Sawyer’s plan of push the monster in the water and maybe he’ll melt, but after Kate is shot, and Claire is too close to Smlocke to rescue, Jack is aboard the sub he vowed to not board, and they’re running as silent as they are deep. Exactly as Smlocke planned; and quicker than you can say “I hate this new internet speak,” Sawyer gets pwned!

Khaters Everywhere Rejoice, Then Regurgitate.
So how many of you Khaters squealed with delight when our Katie took a bullet above the heart you didn’t think she had. Hey, I used to be one of you guys. I detested that fickle crotch-teasing wench as much any of you, but this season, and perhaps it’s because she hasn’t had much screen time, I don’t dislike her nearly as much as I used to. I still don’t want to see her end up with Jack or Sawyer (and again, I give the Joe Oesterle Double Your Money Back Guarantee that Sawyer will end up with Juliet) but I’m no longer openly wishing for her death. (That specific passion is now reserved for the character Chloe Sullivan on Smallville. Don’t forget to read my weekly reviews on that show within the confines of this very website. Die Chloe, die!)

Time to Wake Up, Jack.
Back on the SLU, Jack’s is not done rescuing people — whether they want his help or not. He coincidentally runs into Locke’s fiancé, Helen after deducing Anthony Cooper is a resident. This Anthony Cooper however does not seem to have the scheming double-crossing and murderous back-story of the Anthony Cooper we have all come to know and loathe. This Anthony Cooper is a sad invalid worthy of our sympathy. Karmic justice perhaps.
At Locke’s bedside a snoozing Locke is talking nonsense in his sleep. “Push the button” and “I wish you had trusted me.” Again, we can go back the plane ride in this season’s opener where Rose encouraged Jack to “wake up.” Before Jack has a chance to ask John about his dreams, in walks his new little sister, Claire and she’s got some mysteries of her own.

Mirrors and Redemption
Why did “our” dad give me this music box with a MIRROR inside, and why does it play, “Catch a Falling Star?” Jack had no answers, but it would have been cool if he said, “Well Claire, the mirror was a Joe Oesterle Double Your Money Back Guarantee from many seasons ago. Joe also says, dad used to sing that song to you when you were an infant, and he thought maybe if the two of us stared into this mirror at the same time, things would start to click for us on a subconscious level. Joe went further and stated this is also the song you sang to your alternate universe baby. Oh yeah, and Joe also said he would have taken me up on the Apollo Bar from the vending machine. He’s apparently real big on the bacon and chocolate craze that’s been sweeping county fairs in all the known realities. That Joe — he’s a swell guy, and ya know what else? He also predicted Sayid’s selfless sacrificial death immediately after Sayid came back to life in that filthy pool. I wish I were Joe Oesterle. He has all the answers… and the ones he gets wrong, he manages to conveniently never talk about again.”
As it turns out Jack never uttered those words. At least not in this universe, but I still contend it would have been really cool if he had. Maybe they’re saving that piece of dialogue for the series finale.
Inside the escape sub, Jack is busy tending to Kate’s wounds and outside Claire is freaking out to Smlocke that they once again left her behind. “Don’t sweat that detail sweetie,” Smlocke grins in the most menacing way to date. I wonder how long actor Terry O’Quinn spent in front of a mirror of his own perfecting that baleful beam?

Poseidon Adventure
Although Sayid was probably thinking, “Joe called this moment long ago” as he grabbed the bomb, and darted down the corridor on his redemptive suicide mission, his actual last words after telling everyone where Desmond was hidden were, “Because it’s going to be you, Jack.” In an episode entitled, “The Candidate,” and because there’s only 4 hours of programming left, it’s not impossible to imagine he was letting Jack know who the actual winning candidate was.
Boom goes the dynamite, and little pieces of the newly spiritually emancipated Sayid. Smack goes the steel door to Lapidus’ head. Swim like a fat Shelly Winters goes the fat Hugo Reyes, wounded Kate in tow. Leaving just Jack, cataleptic Sawyer, Jin and Sun — who’s not going anywhere. Eventually Jin convinces Jack to leave, and Jack realizes he once again has to let go.
Seems a shame but romantically fitting in a tragic way, that after years of searching for each other Sun and Jin were destined to drown mere moments after their happy reunion. Something tells me however we haven’t seen the last of these two crazy kids, and that something is a shot of SLU Jin walking down the hospital corridor; balloon in hand, visiting his pregnant wife.

Somebody Give Michael Phelps his Bong Back
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. These guys are really some powerful swimmers. I’m not sure how Jack was able to make the unconscious Sawyer breath through the oxygen tank, but I’m more impressed with these guys swimming up from the depths that would take a sub 5 minutes to climb. In Jeans and work boots no less. These two really ought to try out for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Or maybe they could go back in time to 1972 and take all of Mark Spitz’ medals. Can you imagine the endorsement deals a couple of gold-winning, time-traveling American swimmers would have? And the beauty party is unlike Spitz or Michael Phelps, these guys don’t have to spend 8 hours a day in training. Just slap a couple of Sketchers and pair of Levi’s and Jack and Sawyer will pwn every swimming record in the world.
On the beach, Hurley, Kate and Jack each break down at the realization Jin and Sun didn’t make it. I don’t know about you guys, but it was tough to see the big man in such pain. By the way, don’t count Frank Lapidus out as a casualty just yet. I need to see the corpse to believe it. Lapidus is still the only person on the island capable of piloting the plane, but more importantly, he now has cage sex orgies as incentive to live.

O’Quinn Pwns Again
As touching as the death of Jin and Sun was, it was so much corned beef hash compared to the delicious bacon of Terry O’Quinn’s performance as the guilt-ridden survivor of a plane crash that cost him his father’s humanity.
What happened, happened, and you can let it go. These were the words Jack used to comfort Locke as well as the words we’ve heard in different variations over the past three seasons. Jack has been struggling with “letting go” for the entire series, and while island-bound Jack seems to be on that road, SLU Jack is hoping Locke could once again show him the way. Locke rejects Jack’s offer, but is intrigued when Jack throws out a final plea, “I wish you would believe me.” Again, a variation of the words, but the exact sentiment John Locke wrote in his suicide note to Jack all those years ago. Locke paused, took it in and left, but we all suspect that’s not the last time this mentor and student will cross paths in this universe.
Somewhere on a remote island in an alternate plane of existence, a very powerful man who bears a striking resemblance to the physically fragile John Locke is more than a tad upset his plan to let the pawns kill each other didn’t go exactly as planned. He senses the true candidate is still alive, and this pisses him right the hell off.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, keep your laptop nearby, load up that bong, but in the meantime, please check out a new advice column on my website. Fellow LOST Maniacs Hanso and BobKM have already submitted and received some sage advice, and you can too. Ask any question your heart desires, and the Educated Fellow will provide you with an answer. Life is easier when you have the answers. http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2010/05/02/ask-an-educated-fellow/

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Shephard and Smlocke Together Again For the First Time
Jack/Locke scenes never miss. Those two characters grab my full attention every time. I admit, I was wondering how this confrontation would eventually play out. As we all know, this wasn’t a real Jack/Locke scene, it was a Jack/Smlocke scene, and like someone might say in a Burt Reynolds movie, I dug that scene.
So it wasn’t Locke, but then again, it wasn’t really Jack — at least the Jack we’ve all come to know and love, and be disgusted with, and then feel sorry for, and then like again, and then get sick of pretty soon after that, and then he does something cool and we like him again, but then he acts kind of mopey and dickish amd we’re really past the point of caring, but then he gets all cathartic at the lighthouse and smashes shit and then we’re all like, yeah Jack, do it man! And then he gets reflective and stares out at the ocean, and he finally gets it, and then we’re completely back on his side. So yeah, Jack is Jack, but he’s a better Jack, and even when Jack was a great Jack he wasn’t as good as this Jack.
Anyway, this Jack is not a man of action. He doesn’t act without thinking. This Jack doesn’t even act without permission — from Hurley no less. Of course Hurley was more than cool if Jack wanted to traipse into the dark jungle with spooky Smlocke. Hurley may be a de facto leader at this point, but he doesn’t mind delegating authority when the mission scares the crap out of him.

Brave Jack
Speaking of being scared, Jack was scared too, but more importantly he was brave. That seems to be the difference between Jack’s encounter with Smlocke and Desmond’s meeting with the nasty bald one. Desmond was serene. He seemed to know the outcome of this story. He had nothing to fear. Jack on the other hand has no vision of how this will all play out. Desmond has a strong feeling. Jack has faith.
Now who didn’t believe Smlocke when he told Jack he was his father on Day 3? I didn’t. It’s possible he was his dad that day, but I saw a piece of cut footage from that episode years ago where Christian says to Vincent (remember Vincent — looks like he’s gone the way of other TV pets like Tiger from the Brady Bunch) something along the lines of “He’s got a lot of work ahead of him.” Now I realize that scene isn’t canon, but I have a hard time believing Smlocke was Christian on that particular day.

Ghost Daddy Issues

I do assume both Jacob and The Man in Black have traded taking turns playing the part of Christian. That or Christian has been Christian now and then. If Richard’s ghost wife can visit him on the island, there’s no reason Jack’s ghost dad couldn’t do the same.
It’s a safe bet to assume Smlocke hasn’t always been Ghost Christian, because he appeared to Michael on the freighter. (And how could Smokey have gotten on the freighter when he has that water aversion?) And more dramatically, he could not possibly have been Ghost Christian in the hospital during Jack’s 3-year off-island sojourn. If he were, then he would have already successfully made it off the island.
What have we learned from this? We have learned that Smlocke, like the devil, mixes the lies with the truth. Jack says he has no idea what the hell Smlocke is. Smlocke coyly rejects Jack’s feigned ignorance. Jack at least has an idea, and that idea is Satan.

Don’t Chew Be Talking Bad ‘Bout Locke

Jack isn’t thrilled with Smlocke’s lack of respect towards his kinder, gentler look-alike either. Smlocke calls Locke stupid, and worse yet, a sucker. Jack has become a disciple of the late great Johnny Locke, who himself was a disciple of the late, greater Jacob, and Jack is completely down with Team Jacob.
Speaking of Locke, our favorite substitute teacher is on route to the hospital after Desmond collected his 25 points for running over a guy in a wheelchair. Why did Des run over Locke in the first place? Was it because he was trying to kill Locke so he could never be Smlocke? Doubtful. More likely, he was either trying to “wake up” SLU Locke, or introduce him to Dr. Jack Shephard, or both.

House of Mirrors
I’m not sure if I ever mentioned “mirrors” before in this column… Oh wait, now I remember. I always mention mirrors, because years ago when I mentioned my mirror theory it was met with more than a few dismissive waves of the hand. Anyway, Locke’s car accident and unavoidable meeting with Doctor Jack mirrors in my mind how Jack managed to successfully and miraculously heal his ex-wife Sarah after her car accident. She, like Locke was in a car accident shortly before her wedding day, and Jack fixed her up real good. Anyone assuming SLU Jack manages to pull off the same trick with Locke. I’m hoping so. I’m also hoping he doesn’t feel compelled to marry Locke when he’s all better. That would probably be a bit too much for Helen to take.

Time Flies
If you noticed Jack, Smlocke and Claire all spirited away into the jungle during the pitch of night only to reemerge after a couple brief conversations in the sparkling midday sun, there’s only three possible explanations. Either it was a continuity problem, and I highly doubt that, (especially because so many non-believers in my Mirror Theory tried to sluff that observation off as a production gaffe) or they really walked really, really far to have their private chit-chat, or as Daniel Faraday observed a couple seasons ago, time moves much differently on the island than in the real world. I’m going with that thought.
By the way, we’ve all given respect for the acting of many of the regulars on here, but once again I’d like to give a little standing O to Matthew Fox. (Ok, I’m not really standing, I’m sitting here at 2:00 working on my 5th can of Coke, trying to stay awake and avoid grammatical errors because I know some of you hate that.) Fox conveys a lot of emotions with just a glance and a smile. His scene with Emile de Ravin once again showed off his acting chops. “Whether you like it or not, you’re with him now,” forewarns de Ravin’s Claire.

Hell, Hell, The Gang’s All Here
It was nice as Smlocke so eloquently put it, to see everyone together again. Hurley and Sawyer hadn’t had a scene in such a long time, it was nice to see those two mix it up again. Sawyer knows his Star Wars references. He knows what a Wookie is, and he knows what the dark side is, but he’s not a full-blown, dress up like Obi Won, and camp out overnight for tickets to the shitty movies geek like Hurley. Sawyer believes Sayid is a lost cause, but Hurley still remains optimistic. As do I. Mainly because I predicted Sayid would sacrifice himself for the safety of his friends, and die in a selfless, redemptive fashion — much like Anakin does in the third one… which is really the sixth one. Regardless, Hurley has just equated Sayid to Darth Vader. Mark my words (if you didn’t when I said it months ago when Sayid was reborn in the dirty water baptism of Dogen’s temple. Sayid will forfeit his life, so that others may live. (BTW, Ghost Sayid will be reunited with Ghost Nadia, who will be dead, and no longer legally married to Sayid’s brother, so they can have all the guiltless Ghost Sex they want for all eternity.) You have my Joe Oesterle Triple Your Money Back Guarantee* on that one.
*Warning, Joe Oesterle’s Triple Your Money Back Guarantee comes with the same promise of payment as his Double Your Money Back, and his regular old, Single Your Money Back Guarantee.

Red Delicious
Meanwhile on SLU, Sawyer, also known as Detective Ford takes a bite of an apple and offers it to fellow sinner and captive, Kate Austen. This is undoubtedly an tip of the cap to Adam and Eve seekers, but there’s no way Sawyer and Kate are Adam and Eve. You have my Joe Oesterle Triple Your Money Back Guarantee* that Sawyer will be sipping a coffee with the love of his life, Juliet in some coffee shop on Sweetzer and Melrose before all is said and done.
*Warning, the validity of Joe Oesterle’s Triple Your Money Back Guarantee was already explained two paragraphs ago.

Play It Again Sam
So there they were, Kate and Sawyer being all bantering all playful and lusty like the old days in the sex cages. Deyective Ford paraphrases Bogie with “Out of all the cars in Los Angeles, you smash into mine.” If you recall, Bogie didn’t get Ingrid Bergman in that flick. He probably went Dutch on an espresso with some other broad after the credits rolled.
Despite being handcuffed to the chair, Kate was declared the winner of that round after cleverly figuring out the charming officer didn’t want his Australian holiday leaked. This display of deduction intrigues Ford, but before he can serve the next flirtatious volley, he gets called away to check out Sayid the Jabroni. (Who knew Miles was a Hulk Hogan fan?)

The Section in Which I Reference Star Trek
Meanwhile back on the island Liz Lemon orders an air strike. The Losties all duck for cover during the explosion, but not Smlocke. Smlocke smlirked. Missile don’t hurt him, and he knows it. So why, you wonder would Charles Widmore, who must be armed with this information as well, start bombing Smlocke? The answer: He isn’t trying to bomb Smlocke. Widmore knows Smlocke can’t be defeated with bombs, and he also knows Smlocke needs all the candidates alive in order to leave the island. He may only need the actual candidate alive, but since Widmore doesn’t seem to know who that person is, (nor does Smlocke) Widmore is willing to play the cold game of “I’ll kill them all if it means you can’t get off the island.” Widmore isn’t a bad guy. Smlocke is. Widmore is however in a position of power, and is equipped with a little knowledge. He is willing to sacrifice the lives of the few, because they don’t outweigh the lives of the many.
It was nice to see Ilana again. Not sure if my far-fetched Ilana was in bandages because Jacob time-traveled to rescue her after she was blow up and pieced her together in a crummy remote third world hospital theory will ever pan out, but you will notice I don’t give it even my Joe Oesterle Single Your Money Back Guarantee*.
*I you haven’t figured it out. It’s worthless anyway.

Desmond is Well
Like Jacob, Locke and Jack before him, it’s now SLU Desmond’s turn to reacquaint himself with some old friends. This time, as fate would have it, he meets up with Claire again and offers to introduce her to a lady lawyer he’s “seeing.” We all know what “seeing” means in SLU Desmond’s world, and good for him. If you’re going to have to live on an island for three years pushing a button every 108 minutes, and then you get into an exclusive relationship before you get to sew any wild oats, you should be allowed to exercise some indiscriminant fornicating in an alternative universe. It’s cosmically just.
Island Des on the other hand is down the well – busted, bloody and damp. Luckily he has those transferred memories of alternative universe indiscriminant fornication to keep him going so when Smlocke’s hit-bitch Sayid makes a visit. Seems Smlocke made Sayid a promise to reunite him with his lost love. This is a subject Desmond Hume knows a thing or two about, and he gives Sayid time to pause and wonder if following Smlocke’s orders is such a good idea.
I’m starting to wonder if Terry O’Quinn is lactating. Those moobs of his are getting fuller each week. Too bad babies are such a rare occurrence on LOST Island, because those tits of his could easily nourish an island full of newborns.

Look, Up in the Sky…
It’s worth wondering why Sayid was staring up at the trees, or the sky when Smlocke finally tracked him down. I have no theories whatsoever on this matter, but I am on Coke number 6, and my eyes are starting to bleed again. If anyone feels like giving their own guarantees, I’m open. Did Sayid shoot Desmond? Maybe he did, but he was definitely lying when he said he killed him. (It was interesting that Smlocke followed up Sayid’s admission that he “shot” an innocent man, with, “did you kill him?” Smlocke enjoys playing with the truth, and Sayid enjoyed playing with Smlocke a little here.
A few seasons ago, Jack would have told Claire about Sawyer’s plan to escape on the “Elizabeth.” This Jack must have felt the responsibility to his half sister to at least feel her out vis-à-vis her loyalty to Locke – but to his credit, Jack once again, followed orders. (It is not his strong suit as Sawyer pointed out.)
It came as no surprise to me that Claire would find her way onboard from the moment Sawyer forbade it. That’s how this show works. I was happy to see that Jack, while he had to be tempted to include his crazy sister in on the escape plan, didn’t. Not that I wanted him to ditch the saucy little Aussie, but I wanted to make sure Jack would trust his faith, and Jack’s faith is guiding him to not make bold moves.

Cap’n Sawyer’s Love Boat
Kate manages to convince Claire she’s still one of them, and Sawyer decides it’s time to have some guy talk with Jack. Once again, we are treated to a mirroring of previous seasons. This time Jack Shepard is playing the role of John Locke, and Sawyer is doing his best Jack Shephard impersonation. This scene echoed the one in which Locke pleads with Jack not to leave on the helicopter. He implores Sawyer to search his feelings (he doesn’t say it, but it’s implied) but Sawyer is way past caring. He still furiously holds Jack responsible for Juliet’s death, and Jack manned up and apologized for his role in her demise.
In another mirroring, Jack selflessly jumps into the ocean ala Sawyer on the chopper all those years ago. I gotta say, these guys are some seriously strong swimmers. Jack had to be a mile offshore wearing shoes, jeans and a backpack, and still managed to stand upright when he finally made it to shore.

General Hospital Drama
Back over at SLU Hospital, Sun, who had previously freaked out at the sight of an injured John Locke, just received the news that both she and her baby were fine. Jin, perhaps prophetically tells her, “We’re all going to be, okay?” This certainly hints at a, to borrow a title from a recent episode, “Happily Ever After” ending for all involved. Oh, and you know who I think was the attending doctor to Sun Paik? A certain baby doctor, who very probably gave birth to David Shephard, and also will be sharing a cuppa with a certain charismatic former conman in another life. That’s who I think is Sun’s physician.
In another wing at the same hospital Jack looks down into a mirror (there it is again) and recognizes his patient.

It Was No Des and Penny

And finally Sun and Jin get their much-anticipated reunion, but I have to say, it fell a little flat for me. Especially when compared to the Des/Penny reunions, and even the Hurley/Libby get-together. Lapidus’ corny line didn’t do much to help the fact that while touching, the embrace did not live up to expectations.
Any warm and fuzzies you had were short-lived anyway, because Widmore ordered Lemon to take our Losties hostage. My guess is Widmore won’t try to kill them, but he may make sure they don’t have the ability to roam free while he’s trying to capture/kill Smlocke.

Shephard and Smlocke Together Again For the Second Time

With Jack unaccounted for, Widmore gives the order to fire on the other island. Again, that mortar came dangerously close to Jack, as he was sent flailing a good 30 feet into the sand. I’m curious what was actually being said while Jack was coming to. I have a hunch it may have been the operating room chatter as SLU Jack was trying to save SLU Locke.
And so Smlocke threw Jack over his enormous breasts, then over his powerful shoulders, and rescued his long-time nemesis. Of course it was not the act of a hero, but the act of a man who needs something — and that something is to keep all the candidates breathing until he’s off that island. I have to say, something in O’Quinn’s final words to Jack made me think the old Locke was shining through, but his words unfortunately harkened back to Claire’s caveat, “ You’re with me now.”
I’m making one more prediction tonight (3:49AM Wednesday morning L.A. time) Jack will lose the ability to walk for a brief time.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if want to spot Nestor Carbonell — He was hiding underneath the walkie-talkie Smlocke smlashed.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings the Jack/Smlocke summit) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do Google.. hah, I didn’t even need Google this time) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Check out some of Joe Oesterle’s artwork. He just updated the Design section on his site. Let him know what you think.
http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2009/10/29/design/

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What the Cluck?

Everybody loves Hugo, especially Pierre Chang. And why wouldn’t he? The good doctor seemed not to have aged a day since the 70’s, and I’ll assume he owes all that to a steady diet of the cluckity goodness of Hurley’s national fast food chain.

As we were treated to the loving slide show of fast food philanthropist Hugo Reyes, I was struck by two things; Hurley brings his mother with him to awards shows just like Kevin Spacey and who was that guy in the Mr. Clucks costume? Maybe I’m just looking for clues where there are none, but that’s exactly how you find the good ones. The man under the beak seemed a little too old to be schlepping around in a yellow feathery mascot costume, and although I thought he looked familiar, I was unable to place his somehow recognizable visage. Anyone?

DBs

As we all know by now chief scribes and mystery danglers, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof are giant lying douche bags (and I say that with all the love I can bestow upon to two people who have give me some of the greatest moments of Sci-Fi/Adventure/Drama in any genre ever, while also glibly teasing, fibbing and rubbing our noses in their precious little LOST secrets.) There was no way I was going to be able to accept the ending of this series without some closure on the Libby story. She was way too important in Hurely’s life to just ignore her — as the rumors in the previous two seasons indciated.

You simply don’t tag on a shot of Hurley’s raison d’être falling apart in the very same asylum and not pay that off. I knew I could count on those two douche bags. Thanks douche bags.

Lovably Looney Libby

Anyway, I, along with everybody else, may love Hugo, but that doesn’t stop me from loving me some Libby too. Of course I’ve always been attracted to the mentally unstable. So now I’ve got crazy chicks, and a love for greasy chicken in common with Hugo. Wish we also shared the same bank account, but multi-millions can’t be far off in my future if I keep writing for Mania. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Aha ha ha ha ha. Ooooo ha ha ha ha ha. Ho ho, hee hee, haa ha, giggle giggle, snort, guffaw, snot out my nose, giggle giggle, snort snort, piss a little, giggle hee hee hee.

Whew. Sorry, but that sadly was funnier than I wish it were.

So where was I… oh yeah, Libby. It was touching to watch poor Hurley placing a new flower on her grave, while wishing she would connect with him like so many other departed, and it was a cruel island joke to have her murderer show up in her stead. Michael seemed a little skittish during his first afterlife meeting with his former friend. He did however issue a tense warning to our beloved chubster. He sternly advised Hurley that people will die if Hurley doesn’t stop everyone from going over to blow up that plane.

Speaking of DBs

How Michael knew this bit of information, but declined to give any concrete reason as to why this was a fact is part of what both frustrates and compels us to keep tuning in. Michael probably can’t tell Hurley the major whys because if he did he would violate some kind of free choice rule, and Hurley is used to aggravated spectral visions by now, still Michael’s buck-toothed silence on the subject grated me a little. That and I haven’t forgiven him for shooting Libby. Hey Michael, you’re the kind of douche bag I don’t love.

And speaking of lovable DBs, in strolls Jack. This guy has yo-yo from hero to prick so many times he’s going to have to operate on his own whiplash, but nowadays, not only is Doc Shepard the younger likable again, he’s completely caught up in his faith. How about this for Jack’s transformation? Not only does Jack have so much faith in the unexplainable island inscrutabilities, he now blatantly accepts that Hurley’s talking to ghosts even when Hurley swears he’s not. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack has the faith.

This I’m Not Buying

Sadly, Safe Landing Universe (SLU) Hurley has very little faith; at least when it comes to the ladies. By the way, I’d like to bring up that while the Hugo Reyes who works for 10 bucks an hour behind the counter at Mr. Clucks probably doesn’t pull a whole lot of Cynthia Watros caliber tail, the Hugo Reyes who owns a worldwide fast food chain is capable of all kinds of nice looking ladies.

Hey, I’m willing to let a lot of strangeness go for the sake of good TV, but I draw the line at legitimately sweet, well-mannered bazillionaires not being able to secure a blind date that was set up by their own mother. We don’t really have to look too far for a example of a wealthy beast getting his beauty. Check out the freakish-looking hobbity, (but supremely talented) Dominic Monaghan sharing a canoodle bed with Evangeline Lilly. I can only suspend disbelief for so much. Rich guys get hot girls. There’s no ancient riddle to crack there.

Seeing Libby and Hurley together was nice. Seeing Dr. Brooks again wasn’t so nice. I’m not sure what level of douche bag that guy is, but I’m throwing him in the unlovable category. Not as big as Michael, and he’s certainly no Radzinski, but I keep feeling he knows more than he’s letting on, and at this stage of the game, that kind of douche baggery has to be called out.

Ilana Go Boom!

Whoa, I did not see that one coming. Just like Arzt before her, pieces of Ilana rained from the sky after she got a little careless with the Black Rock dynamite. Former douche bag of the highest order, Benjamin Linus couldn’t help but derisively think aloud what we should have all been thinking. No sooner does Ilana, Jacob’s hand-picked lieutenant informs the candidates who they are, then she is dismissed by perhaps the biggest douche bag of all-time, the island.

Hurley meanwhile takes the opportunity to bypass the grieving period entirely, and skip right ahead to the snooping process. He finds a Russian copy of Dostoyevsky’s, “Notes from Underground,” or as it’s also known, “Notes From the Underworld.” He also seems to find a big pouch of Jacob, and my guess is they had a short conversation.

Richard Alpert is So Short… How Short is He?

And speaking of short, how ‘bout that Richard Alpert? Seriously, for all of you who wrote in to tell me Nestor Carbonell is 5 foot eleven inches tall, that must mean that Matthew Fox is 7 ft. 3. Anyway, Little Richard stills wants to blow up the plane, and something tells me he may finally get his wish about finally killing himself. It looks like Smlocke is not only whittling down a potential spear, but this show is whittling down all cast mates who weren’t booked on Flight 815. Lucky for Lapidus he was on the flight roster that day. Not so lucky for Ben and Miles.

So Hurley eats to deal with depression. Ok, but he seems like an ordinarily pretty happy-go-lucky guy in every universe. My guess Hurley also eats to deal with anger, physical ailments, ennui and the fact that carbon dioxide is made up of only one part carbon.

Chicken for Twelve, Bucket for One

In walks Desmond, one part curious, two parts satisfied. He informs the surly Hurley that they shared a plane ride together and starts asking some personal questions. Hurley spills his sizable guts to Des, and soon is feeling a little more sure that maybe this Libby lady was on the level. Number 42 is called (see the numbers) and Des is ready to take his take out, out.

Cucumber Cool Hume

We’re still not sure why both versions of Desmond Hume seem to have such clarity, but it looks to me like Desmond read the storyteller’s final script, and he knows how this all ends. Island Des is calm, cool and collected in the face of a dead inside Sayid, and the now more evil than ever Smlocke. Desmond for his part is more than forthcoming about everything, leave one small detail; when Smlocke asks him if Desmond knows who he is, Des serenely answers, “John Locke.”

Now if Smokey has the ability to scan people, there’s nothing to say he needs to be in a misty form to ascertain those answers. Desmond even hinted at it later in the episode, but Smlocke may very well be able to read minds. Even if he can’t, the guy must have a serious built-in bullshit detector, because it went delicately off the charts when Des called him Locke. Whatever Smlocke is or isn’t, he’s confused by Desmond, and is none to pleased that Des is walking around all Fonzie cool while Smlocke is doing his spooky best to register a tiny bit of trepidation.

And I don’t know who this new darker haired LOST boy is, but Desmond sees him too, and doesn’t mind asking the ever-fraying Smlocke who is that kid? Patience is surprisingly not virtue for a man who’s been sitting on an island since before the invention of backgammon.

Whittling Away

Meanwhile, back at the Black Rock, or what used to be the Black Rock, tiny Alpert is throwing a huge fit at huge Hurley for making a huge explosion. Why Hurley felt the need to lie to Richard is a mystery to me. If Hurley just reminded Richard that thanks to him, Richard was able to communicate to his long-dead wife just to episodes ago, maybe that would have soothed Richard’s jangled nerves. But as it stands, Alpert, Miles and Ben should be heading over to the tailors to get themselves fitted for 3 new red shirts.

One Wrote a Check for the Cuckoo’s Nest

Dr. Brooks, may or may not be hiding any island secrets, but it’s nothing a cool 100K can’t make better. Inside Santa Rosa, Hurley is once again (though unknowingly to him) hanging out with the Cuckoo’s Nest crowd, and once again, the family friendly game, Connect Four is featured prominently. It’s worth noting that when a player places 4 (a LOST number) pieces in a straight line vertically, horizontally, or diagonally, he wins the game. Also of equal interest, there are 42 possible positions to slot your pieces.

Other points of fascination in this scene you ask? There is of course the island on the chalkboard, on which we are shown a shark, a butterfly (see Butterfly Effect) and an ominous alligatory-looking amorphous shape that could be interpreted as the Smoke Monster.

Libby enters, but is disappointed Hurley doesn’t remember her. This seems to cause her to delve back into her depression momentarily, but she perks back up when she explains the plane crash on Hurley. He doesn’t remember it, and even chalks it up to her potential insanity, but you know what’s also insane? Taking your mom to awards dinners when you’re not a closeted homosexual. Hurley will put up with a little crazy for an attractive blonde.

Shhh, Did You Hear the Name Richard?

Back on the island, Jack has placed his faith in Hurley, even though Lapidus voiced his reservations, and Sun still can’t speak anything but Korean. This is caused by the hit in the head that has probably somehow trapped her between the two worlds, and she won’t likely be talking any good English until she gets reunited with her soul mate, Jin.

And whoooooooa nelly. Looks like we actually were given an absolute answer in this week’s installment. We now know the whispers on the island are the dead people who are stuck on the island because they can’t move on. That sounds a lot like Purgatory to me, but that’s not possible, because Carlton and Damon promised us that the island wasn’t Purgatory….. those lying douche bags.

Reyes Remembers

After 3 seasons, Hurley finally gets his dream beach picnic date with the lovely Libby. Damn, Hurley doesn’t get any action for 3 seasons and yet Sayid and Sawyer are scoring in every one of their episodes, and many of the ones they’re merely supporting. Hurley’s testicles must look like two blue basketballs by now. Luckily Libby lays a wet one on the lovable lug just before he has a fatal groin injury, and this sets off a stream of sweet remembrances for Hugo. Desmond for his part, pushes up his Oakley’s and drives off like a cool Scottish cupid.

Well, Well, Well

Desmond’s Scottish cool has gotten on Smlocke’s last nerve. Why aren’t you afraid of me? Smlocke bellows. Notice the emphasis on the word “me.” It’s as if the devil isn’t used to regular folk not crapping their pants like Sawyer on a Dharma whiskey weekend when they figure out who “he” really is. In a fit of rage, “he” tosses our tranquil champion down the ancient well. No to worry, because the spooky Gene Wilder scored promo for next week assures us ol’ Humey is fine and dandy.

One good turn deserves another though, and just after Ben (taking a very proactive anti-pedophile stance against Desmond — Ben is good!) Des revs up his engine, and plays a bit of real-time Frogger with the wheel chair bound substitute teacher. Why did he mow John over? Maybe it was to knock some sense into John. Maybe the one thing John Locke needed to remind him of the island was the ability to walk again, and maybe Doctor Jack Shephard will be able to provide that tiny miracle.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if really and truly believe that Nestor Carbonell is any taller than 5 foot 7) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings of prophetic blackboard doodles) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do Google the complete works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Rumor has it Buddy Hackett had a very interesting “oral” contract to perform his stand-up routine in Las Vegas during the early sixties. Want to find out why the word “oral” is in quotations? Visit Joe Oesterle’s blog and find out.
http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/buddy-hacketts-allegeded-contractual-obligations/

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H.F.D!
Hot Freakin’ Day-um! Now that was a LOST episode. Suddenly I want to take back my A+ grade of last week’s great episode, (The Package) because it was just merely great and not Hot Freakin’ Day-um Extremely Great. Hot Freakin’ Day-um! (I thought so highly of this episode I felt I had to invent a brand new catch-phrase — “Hot Freakin’ Day-um!”)
For those of you who have been disappointed with the Safe Landing Universe (SLU) timeline, I assume you’re suddenly a tad more receptive. I’ll concede they were slow and at times inconsistent with the stories in the SLU, but I’m happy to say I knew this team would eventually pay it off, and Hot Freakin’ Day-um, it looks like we’re going to start getting some answers thanks to everyone’s favorite human electromagnetic anomaly, Desmond Hume.

Island’s Not Done With Him

Now on with the show…. We open with the classic LOST tight eyeball shot of Desmond who is about to find out he not only is no longer in the hospital after being shot by Ben Linus, but he was also brought back to the island by his greatest nemesis/father-in-law/trusting employer in an alternate universe, Charles Widmore. Widmore quickly brings Des up to speed, and that includes mentioning Penny and his son are nowhere near the island. Ol’ Des’ lip starts twitching like Chief Inspector Dreyfus during an encounter with Inspector Clouseau, and in a cathartic fit of rage (not only for himself, but for every member of the television audience) Des starts beating the living shit out of Charles with his I.V. stand. Hot Freakin’ Day-um!
To Widmore’s credit, he didn’t feel the need to punish Des for his insolence, but after his boys sudue the injured Des into submission, Widmore does sternly admonish his wounded captive that “the island is not done” with him yet.

Wabbit Season 6
Meanwhile back at the Hydra lab, Liz Lemon and the fat-faced kid from Kate and Allie are a little concerned Widmore wants to move the test schedule up a day. Widmore is obviously has no intentions on underestimating Smlocke, but Fat Face doesn’t feel it’s a prudent plan as he commiserates with his experimental rabbit, Angstrom. The name “Angstrom” is a tip of the hat to a character in four different John Updike novels – Harold C. “Rabbit” Angstrom. According to Wikipedia, the novels all have to do with his problems deal with life, death, redemption and human relations–to all people.
To demonstrate to the good folks at home watching this broadcast just how deadly this experiment is, we are treated too the death of a non-speaking extra. Now while not technically a “red shirt” the soon-to-be fried victim’s shirt does get bathed in a red light while he’s in the chamber trying to solve the problem before the switch is accidentally thrown.

The Ambiguity of Widmore

Widmore seemed weary or even numb to the news of this unplanned fatality. This Charles Widmore is a man who has seen his share of death in the name of fighting his fight. This Charles Widmore does not seem evil or power hungry. He’s an influential man who is forced to make very tough choices that could seem immoral based on your perspective. (Please refer to my Harry Truman/Hiroshima comparisons from weeks past.)
So far we’ve mostly seen Widmore from one perspective. In this episode, we get to see Charles Widmore from an entirely different vantage point. A man on a mission to defeat who he believes poses a great threat to the world as we know it; a man who as Hurley translated from Spanish, would deliver them to Hell. So while Widmore gave the appearance of certain stoicism when he watched them cart off the freshly smoking corpse, Des was more than a little disturbed by the experience.

Nice Pants
After beating Desmond up and strapping him to a chair in the middle of two huge intimidating woofers, one of Widmore’s goons asks if Desmond is wearing any metal. Now I don’t want to nitpick, but I assuming Desmond has a zipper on his trousers, and aren’t zippers made of metal? I didn’t get the impression that Desmond was wearing Velcro jeans, so I’m assuming he did have tiny bits of metal on him, and I’ll try not to dwell on that. But think about it, how cool would Velcro jeans be? You could gain all kinds of weight and not have to shop for new pants and you’d also be free to expose yourself to large doses of electromagnetic energy.
I found this interesting. Widmore after the test, is going to ask – not force Desmond to make a sacrifice. This again points to the concept of free will. My own son (Daniel Faraday/Widmore) died on the island, Widmore informs Desmond. He continues, “My daughter hates me and I’ve never met my grandson.” Widmore has made sacrifices. He has sacrificed what he loves, and love just happens to be the theme of this installment. Widmore then goes on to warn if Desmond does not help him out, everyone he loves will be gone. Forever. This is not an idle threat or con job. We’ve seen enough of both on this show to know the difference by now. This is a frightening fact, but the hows and whys are still unclear. If we’re to believe Widmore, then we need to wonder if Benjamin Linus (thinking he was doing the right thing all those years ago when he banished Widmore) is actually but unknowingly responsible for all of this mayhem now.
And so with seemingly no hesitation, and an assumed silent prayer that he has guessed correctly, Widmore himself pulls the switch on Desmond, who after a number of agonizing seconds, collapses on the floor of the chamber, and wakes up in LAX staring at his flight information. It’s interesting to note that Flight 815 landed at Gate #8 (one of the numbers) and as Hurley informed Desmond, the bags were at carousel #4 (another one of the numbers.)

Enough with the Unnecessary Reveals
I don’t often complain about this show, because there is honestly rarely anything to complain about, but you know what I’m way sick of already? The much overdone “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot.” It’s done way too often, and it’s also rarely a surprise when it is done. Case in point, who didn’t know that was Claire at the baggage claim? I enjoyed everything about that scene except for the “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot.” Like the scene where Kate “knew” Jack from just that glance from the taxi, we were also led to believe these characters have some slight recognition of a past history shared. Desmond then pays that off by predicting the gender of Claire’s unborn Aaron.
Now instead of the “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot,” the hand holding the “HUME” sign was much more effective, and it was great to see George Mankowski back from the dead and once again in Charles’ employ. Sure he got demoted, but I’m betting he’s getting laid more often. Communications Officers on ocean bound freighters probably don’t get nearly as many “lovely ladies” as the chauffer of one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles.

Seriously, Enough with the Unnecessary Reveals
Desmond arrives at the swanky high-rise office of his boss, and once again we are shown the “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot,” and once again it is no surprise when we learn the identity of the close-cropped white-haired gentleman behind the desk is Charles Widmore. We are however delighted to see a colorful painting depicting the black and white stones on the scale off to the right hand side of Widmore’s desk. The eagle-eyed among us should have also discovered a slightly different version of the same painting to the left of the desk. Questions we should be asking; why the splashes of color in a painting that symbolizes the white and black of good and evil? Question two, why are there two of these paintings. They almost mirror each other (except the black stone is on the left in both pieces.)
Neither scales painting however manages to catch Desmond’s attention. That is reserved for the sailboat. This clearly resonates something from within Des.
“Get him arraigned and get him out of there!” Widmore bellows into his phone. He continues to explain that his son is a musician who wants to fuse classical music with rock from popular rock band, Drive Shaft.

Destroy Me
“If I don’t get this junkie to my wife’s event she will destroy me.” That, regardless of the fact that later Eloise doesn’t seem to care a whit about Drive Shaft seems like a very prophetic line… far too important to be a throw-away, because they rarely utter a syllable on this show that doesn’t have meaning at some other point- be it the next scene or the next season. It does lead us to believe even in this universe, the only conscious constant is the fact that Charles and Eloise are still apparently on opposing sides of this battle. (Much like Jacob and The Man in Black.)
This naturally leads us to wonder if Widmore is purposefully filling Desmond’s head with the benefits of living the carefree single life, because as long as Des doesn’t meet Penny, he won’t ever go to the island. Eloise on the other hand may want Des to go to the island, even though she tries to intimidate him from pursuing “whatever it is he is looking for,” but doesn’t believe he’s ready for the challenge yet.
To demonstrate how much Widmore wants Desmond to believe he’s living the dream, he even offers to share his 60-year old McCutcheon Scotch with him. The very drink Desmond wasn’t fit to share in another timeline because he would never be a great man. Widmore offers up a toast to Desmond’s indispensability – as long as he doesn’t start schtupping his daughter anyway. “Nothing’s too good for you” expect my Penny.

Hobbit Pattern Baldness
Back on the SLU, Charlie’s looking a little balder then we remember. Immediately after being released from County, Charlie walks defiantly across the bustling Abbey Road-ish looking street with the absolute, and yet regrettable confidence that he’ll make it safely to the other side to Jax (possibly Jack’s) bar. I have no idea what the deer symbolizes, but I’m betting it’s something. Anyone?
Charlie doesn’t know Des, but he knows he’s part of the strangeness. He explains, without naming Claire that he met the love of his life during a near death experience, and he saw what “it” looked like. The “it” Charlie refers to is the truth. Charlie has known since the season opener that the SLU was all bullshit, and now he’s met another person he’s convinced that he can convince. Desmond though is not swayed by Charlie’s insistence they are living a lie, and dismisses his speech as so much passionate poetry from a talented but drug-addled rock star. He offers to take Charlie to the party or assures him his career will be over. Charlie pacifies his babysitter telling him, he doesn’t really see a choice, and Desmond responds with, the free will mantra, “There’s always a choice brotha.”

Not Penny’s Boat — Desmond’s Rental Car

And so the two leave the bar, but Charlie, who is either very annoyed that Desmond isn’t a bigger Drive Shaft fan, or wants his mate to “wake up” (as Rose hinted at to Jack on the plane ride home in the season opener) and proceeds to grab the wheel and plunge Desmond’s car into the same harbor Ben shot him in to.
This scene is obviously “mirrors” the turning point “Looking Glass” scene in which Desmond tries in vain to save the sarcastic bass player from drowning. This time, Des saves Charlie, but if Charlie is to be believed Des was far from saving the day. Charlie for his part looked quite serene as Desmond risked his own life to rescue the unhappy, unkillable rocker. Desmond is shaken by the experience but, he’s rattled more by his visions of “Not Penny’s Boat” than the fact that he almost died.
Back at the hospital, a doctor asks if he’s had hallucination. This again starts to stir something buried deep inside Desmond. Once again he’s asked if he’s carrying any metal, but this time he’s going in for an MRI and not to perform the functions of a human guinea pig (or white rabbit as the case may be.) With no friends or family to speak of, Lucky Des names his employer, Charles Widmore as his emergency contact. Within 30 seconds of the magnetic contact, Desmond flashes to his “real” life, hits the panic button and runs into Jack.

We Have to Stop Meeting Like This

These two are always bumping into each other — hospitals, stadiums, airplanes, secret subterranean isolation hatches. Very coincidental like. Before either of them can make the subconscious connection, the surprisingly speedy Heroin Hobbit is tear-assing through the hospital in nothing but his gown.
I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating. Water has always proved important to this show. From Widmore intentionally letting the water run when he was washing his hands in the bathroom, to the healing powers of the temple pool, to Locke blissfully allowing the rain to wash over him. It can’t be a fluke that Smlocke does not have the ability to fly over the water, though if water is so detrimental to Smlocke, I can’t figure out why one of the first things he did when he inhabited Locke’s form was walk out knee deep in the ocean…. Perhaps his watery limitations hadn’t completely kicked in again yet. Anyway, my point is Desmond first realized something was amiss when he was underwater with Charlie.
Charlie, for his part is pleased Desmond felt it, and implores him to stop chasing him, and start looking for Penny.
Desmond is still unconvinced, but is shaken enough by the possibility of this weirdness that he lets Charlie get away. This doesn’t please Charles Widmore all that much and Desmond is now forced to explain to the boss’ wife why Drive Shaft will not be performing at the gala. And now we brace ourselves for orders him to explain to Mrs. Widmore it’s only a bloody concert…. Brace yourselves for another unnecessary “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot.”

Seriously, Enough with the Unnecessary Reveals Already, Will Ya?
Mankowski subtley warns Des of Mrs. Widmore’s ball-busting abilities, and low and behold we are none to surprised to see GRILF, Eloise. Eloise is far more startled to see Desmond than we the audience are to see her, but she recovers nicely enough. Eloise has seen Desmond many times, in perhaps many different timelines. This makes Desmond kind of Neo-ish. “It’s about time we met.” Eloise says as she greets Des. It’s about time indeed. Time and Space.

Paradise LOST!
Desmond leaves surprised he was not ripped a new one, when he is stopped in his tracks by the name on the guest list. Not only is Penny showing up stag to this shin dig, but her last name is Milton. As is John Milton, as in Paradise Lost an epic poem The poem concerns the Christian story of the Fall of Man: the temptation of Adam and Eve by the fallen angel Satan and their expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Milton’s purpose, stated in Book I, is to “justify the ways of God to men”[2] and elucidate the conflict between God’s eternal foresight and free will. (Thanks again Wikipedia.)

Castrating Mama
Des asks to see the list, and suddenly we see Eloise bear her claws. She wants Des to stop looking. It’s a “violation” she declares without explaining of what. Reading between the lines, Eloise is warning Desmond to stop looking for love. She claims he has the perfect life and seems annoyed, and perhaps even slightly sorry, but Eloise has been down this road with Desmond many times before and quite frankly she’s had enough of him. Question. Is Eloise hell bent on stopping Desmond finding true love, or is she more concerned he is not equipped to take on the burden of such an undertaking?

Hot Freakin’ Day-um, Stop These Unnecessary Reveals
We all noticed the fedora wearing piano player from behind. Anyone care to place a wager on the identity of the ivory-tickling musician or should we wait until the “back-of-the-head-to-the-camera-then-turn-to-reveal-shot” that pays off a little later. (Hint, it’s not Daniel Faraday. Answer, it’s Daniel Widmore)
Here’s something that just dawned on me, and for my money was the best part of this episode because it provided an answer without actually telling us it was providing an answer. Now I’m not sure if anyone has ever posited this theory before, but it seems like a lead pipe cinch now that it was Daniel Faraday who programmed the musical combination in the Looking Glass that ended the interference jamming which allowed Penny to communicate with Charlie, and later in that episode as we all remember Charlie is seen placing his hand up to a window as he’s drowning… Hot Freakin’ Day-um! Who saw that one coming?

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor
In keeping with the spirit of this week’s show, I was a slightly and pleasantly freaked out by a series of three commercials that played back-to-back-to-back on at least my Los Angeles feed of this show.
First I was confronted with an Arm and Hammer Baking Soda ad that promised “You’ll never go Back.” The very next commercial (narrated in an Australian accent no less) was for Outback Steak House. They exclaimed, “It’s back!” And finally Wall Mart demonstrated they rolled “back” prices all on an episode that focused on getting “back” to reality.
Hmmm. Now that I read it, it doesn’t seem as freaky as it was when I first experienced it. Ok, “back” to the show.

Wanna Date My Sister?
And here’s where this episode went from great to Hot Freakin’ Day-um Extremely Great. Daniel Widmore (who’s reflection we see in the limo’s reflective window) starts to talk about the chocolate-loving love of his life without naming her. Freakier still, Daniel, a musician by trade, woke up and scribbled an elaborate quantum mechanics equation that contains the words “real time” and “imaginary time.” He also suspects that he released a nuclear bomb, AND he’s happy to let Desmond know where he can find the elusive Penny — his half sister. His exact words were “I can tell you exactly where and when you can find her.” I’m willing to bet Daniel’s not really referring to the stadium later that night, but rather 3 years later in another timeline.
If this is the scenario that should have never happened, it’s no wonder Eloise refused to let her young musically gifted son Daniel to practice the piano when he was a boy. Eloise knew that Daniel wouldn’t do anybody any good when it came time for the battle of good vs. evil.

Charles in Charge
I’m thinking now that Eloise and Charles may well be on the same team too, but the Charles who is currently on the island is trying to clean up the mess he now feels responsible for. A mess he wouldn’t have gotten into if he hadn’t been kicked off the island by Ben for breaking some island rule and impregnating some off-island woman (surname Milton) who gave birth to Penny. Charles has been trying to make things right ever since, and this would explain his disgust with Ben (he knows Ben was not equipped to run the island) and his strained relationship with the woman who may very well have been the love of his life (Eloise.)
In a scene that has to rank second as most touching LOST scene, Des and Penny (re)connect at the same stadium they once met in another universe. Desmond is gobsmacked, and Penny is feeling it too. Des wakes up and announces to Widmore he can’t wait to start to make his contribution. But at what cost? Will Desmond have to die in order to assure his wife and child do not end up in Hell?

Enter Sayid

And so as Happy Des and Liz Lemon are traipsing through the jungle, out comes Sayid, snapping necks and pointing guns. Desmond knows Sayid, and has fought alongside Sayid, but instinctively he realizes this is not the Sayid he knew. Still Des plays it cool, and inside the limo in a timeline far, far away, Desmond has a plan. Get the manifest. Hot Freakin’ Day-um!

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re trying to differentiate between two very similar scale paintings.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (To double what Daniel Faraday/Widmore is jotting down) keep your laptop nearby, (For info on John Updike’s Rabbit novels) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Wanna read about guys hunting hot naked girls with paint guns? Of course you do. Check out this story that was left out of Joe Oesterle’s book, “Weird Las Vegas.”
http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/442/

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Sorry Skaters

I’m not sure what to make of Sawyer telling Jin at the beginning of this episode that he’s with Locke, when a mere ten minutes later he confides in his one-time sex cage partner, “I ain’t with anybody, Kate.”
Personally, I want that to be true, at least for now, because I want Sawyer/Ford to reunite with Juliet. It took me two whole seasons to even warm up to Juliet. I realize Juliet’s dead and all, but a simple thing like that’s not going to stop true love on this show.
Sure Kate was a fun fuck buddy, but that chick was nothing but headaches, mind games and step daddy issues. Juliet was all about cooking and loving and since we found out Sawyer likes it kinky, Juliet probably had a closet full of whips too.
I remember the moment I shifted to Juliet’s camp. She was sitting on the beach in the middle of the day swiggin’ Dharma vodka straight out of the bottle. Now that’s the girl any guy could fall for.
Juliet’s relationship with Sawyer was real. It was nice to see the two of them play house way back in the seventies, and when it was revealed Sawyer was going to ask her to marry him that sealed the deal for me. Juliet’s message from beyond the grave will be a prophetic happily ever after for the couple. It’s nice to know that at least one of these island survivors is guaranteed a chance at a blissful life when either these two universes collide or are merged or the Safe Landing Universe somehow becomes an acceptable epilogue for the finale.
Still there will always be a tender place in Sawyer’s heart for Kate, and these writers are going to play with that for a little bit, but trust me, Sawyer will end up going dutch on a cup of coffee with Juliet before this show is over.

Bragging Rights

By now you all know how much I love bragging about how I was right when a theory I championed in these web pages come to fruition. (What a few of you may have also figured out is that I’m remarkably silent on the hunches that don’t pay off.) But I did tell everyone after this season’s premiere that Sawyer would not be Sawyer over in SLU, he would be “James Ford.” No matter what universe though, Sawyer/Ford can pull some serious tail.
And so it is that nookie hound Jimmy Ford is reveling in a little post-coitus pillow talk when the clock hits 8:42 (The Numbers are back) and he pops out of bed and “accidentally” pops open his briefcase full of money. This of course “mirrors” a similar incident with Cassidy (Hey, do you guys remember when I called the mirror thing way back when? Yeah you do because I refuse to stop patting myself on the back for it.) Anyway, drop goes the money all over the bed, but this time the chick isn’t going to let him walk away or buy into his con. Sadly for her, she doesn’t believe Ford is a cop until he whispers the magic word, “LeFleur.”
When are they ever going to reveal why that word/name means something to Ford?

It was also a pleasant surprise to see Miles and Sawyer/Ford reunite as Starsky and Hutch. The Miles in this universe seems slightly more ethical than in the Island Surviving Universe, and while this version of Miles may not have the ability to speak to the dead, his bullshit meter is finely tuned.

Next Stop Crazy Town, All Aboard

Meanwhile back on the island, Crazy Claire is packing all her crazy belongings – save for the crazy animal skull baby. Kate barges in on Crazy Claire’s silent good byes and leaves all decorum outside of Crazy Claire’s crazy digs.
“What is that?” Kate asks without a hint of empathy, to which Claire, suddenly painfully aware, replies, “It’s all I had.”
Now it’s up for debate who really got the best end of raising Aaron for the first few years of his life. Sure kids are cute at that age, but a skull animal baby doesn’t wake you at all hours of the night wanting to be fed, and you really don’t have to worry much about scrimping for the kid’s college tuition. If you ask me, Claire got off easy.


Honest Smlocke

There’s something I think we’ve all noticed about Smlocke. He seems to be compelled to tell the truth. This must be all part of “the rules” that govern many of the actions on and off this island. Just because he is forced to tell the truth however, that doesn’t mean he needs to be forthcoming with all every tiny bit of information – like the tiny fact that he is the very Smoke Monster who killed all those poor people at the temple.
It’s also interesting to note that Smlocke calmed the collective fears with the reassurance of taking care of each and every one of them. This is likely Smlocke playing with one of the loopholes in these rules. The mafia has been known to “take care” of people too.
What I didn’t understand was why did Smlocke confess his smokey powers to Sawyer. Sawyer didn’t ask him any tricky yes or no questions, but for seemingly no reason at all, Smlocke takes Sawyer into his confidence at lets him know not only can he transform into a violent plume of sooty vapors, but that he actually killed all those people, and he did it because they wouldn’t let him off the island. It was kill, or be killed, and Smlocke opted for the survivalists option. The question remains though, why tell Sawyer? Is it as simple as him wanting Sawyer to know who not to fuck with?
And if Smlocke can change his shape from mist to flesh, you think he could do something about those huge freaking bitch tits he’s lugging around these days. What the hell Terry O’Quinn? You’re a wealthy man, you work 4 months a year and live in a place where people walk around shirtless all the time. Hire a personal trainer and tighten up that chest. You’ve got bigger cups than Sun.
Maybe that’s why Smlocke let Sawyer know he was the Smoke Monster. He knows Sawyer’s penchant for nicknames and he was just warning Sawyer what would happen if he called him Moobs or something.

Archeology Made Sexy

Damn, Charlotte cleans up good. She’s also a pretty savvy single lady. After some more Indiana Jones small talk (Hurley mentioned Indy a couple eps ago) and a nice little bit flirtatious whip talk, Charlotte cuts through all the Bullitt bullshit, and asks Ford/Sawyer to come clean about why he really became a policeman.
It was be a criminal or be a cop Ford/Sawyer replied in a moment that echoed Smlocke’s kill or be killed motto. Of course unlike Smlocke, Ford/Sawyer didn’t feel the need to reveal the entire reason he joined the force. No need to ruin the mood when the hot redhead with the adult toys has just given you the “hey, let’s go back to your place for good looking people sex” eyes.

A Mini Rant

For the second week in a row, LOST has written a rather convenient moment into an otherwise tight script. (Last week many of you cried foul on Ben losing the upper hand on Principal Reynolds when it came to Alex’s future at Yale.) It seems to me that hunting down the real “Sawyer” is the number one thing on Ford/Sawyer’s mind, so it’s highly unlikely that he’d ever be so trusting or forgetful to allow a complete stranger access to the drawer in which he keeps his biggest secret hidden. It would have played out just as dramatic if Ford/Sawyer had two dressers and Charlotte went to the top drawer of the wrong one. Come on guys. You’re LOST. You’re better than this.
OK, rant over.

Jaunt Down Memory Lane, and Memory Cages

So after freaking good Charlotte out, Island Bound Sawyer allows Smlocke to talk him into going over to arrives on the shore of Hydra for a recon mission. Sawyer seems a little fearful for his mortal life, but Smlocke assuages his fear by comforting Sawyer with the news that he’s the best liar Smlocke has ever seen. Smlocke also conveniently leaves out the fact that nothing is going to happen to Sawyer because he is one of Jacob’s candidates.
Upon arriving on the neighboring island, Sawyer is confronted with the scene of some of his most memorable kinky sex. Outdoor, caged, videotaped, voyeur sex. Sawyer is overcome with emotions, and then he finds Kate’s dress. I was happy to see he didn’t hold it up to his nose and smell it. Now I’m not being Principal Reynolds pervy here, I really think this is another sign that Sawyer is not going to end up with Kate.
I bet if that were Juliet’s dress Sawyer would have lifted it to his face and tried to find faint hints of her aroma. Sawyer’s fond of Kate, but he loves Juliet. (On a side note, I hope we never see anyone picking up Sawyers soiled boxer shorts from “The Substitute.” That’s not whip kinky or Principal pervy… that’s a whole other website, and I’m not giving my credit card information to those people.


Are You In There Sayid?

Kate sits next to Sayid and asks him is he believes Locke. Sayid admits he does believe, but follows that up with the belief that he’s not feeling all right. As if to illustrate the point, Sayid sits impassively by while Crazy Claire jumps Kate from behind and attempts to slice her neck.
The fact that Sayid can comprehend he’s not feeling well is an indication that the infection hasn’t fully taken him over. He’s probably only at about 80-85% evil at the moment. My guess? Fifteen percent of Sayid will ultimately make a heroic gesture against Smlocke and pay for it with his life.
You want another couple of my guesses? If I’m right about the remaining good in Sayid making a last ditch attempt at redemption – hero style – I will brag about it endlessly in these web pages. My other guess is if I’m wrong you’ll never hear me mention it again.

What the What?

Sawyer follows a trail from the beach to the jungle and finds a pile of human carcasses, then spots a woman running away and gives chase. When he finally catches up to his scrawny prey the woman turns out to be Liz Lemon from 30 Rock fame. Suddenly it all makes sense. Charles Widmore is obviously partners with Don Guise in Sheinhardt Wigs and needs the island’s magic to give Jay Leno an edge over the superior Letterman show. How else can you explain Jay ever beating Dave?
Lemon asks Sawyer if he’s alone. It is the single most important theme of this episode. Sawyer is alone, and he will continue to walk both universes alone until he is once again reunited with the love of his life. Juliet.
How many of you were surprised to hear Sawyer speak words, “God’s got nothin’ to do with it” in response to Liz Lemon taking the Lord’s name in vain? Is this a hint that we’ve been reading into all kinds of religious overtones when in fact that everything ever seen over the course of the past 5 plus seasons, as Damon and Carlton promised us way back when, can be explained by science? I doubt it, but it’s worth mentioning.
Liz Lemon gives herself away when she says she has a boyfriend in Guam. Everyone knows Liz Lemon’s boyfriend is astronaut Mike Dexter, and he’s probably on a secret outer space mission as we speak.
Like SLU Ford however, Lemon brings in the backup when things get dicey. The fat kid from Kate and Ally and all his gun toting buddies get the drop on Sawyer, who remains as cool as a cucumber.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

Look at little Miles get all aggressive with Sawyer as he jacks him into the lockers and confronts him with the fact he ran his credit card and found out Sawyer lied about Palm Springs. (Nice nod to Charlie in that scene by the way) If Miles is going to be Hutch to Sawyer’s Starsky, there can’t be any lies between the two. Miles quits as Ford’s partner. Sawyer/Ford catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and shatters it with a straight left. Good Ford doesn’t like seeing bad Sawyer.

Long Walks to the Beach

Perhaps the best moment of this Sawyer-centric episode had nothing to do with our favorite anti-hero. I think it’s when Locke told Kate he had to make Claire believe the Others had taken her baby because she needed to focus her anger to give her a reason to go on. Smlocke then when on to ask Kate if she ever had an enemy she needed.
Now Kate has had a couple enemies, but I don’t think Kate ever needed them. The argument can easily be made that Kate would have been much better off without either one of them. Her step dad was obviously no picnic, though we’re not entirely sure what he did or didn’t do to young Katherine Ann. And it follows suit that if Kate never killed off the step dad, then the always inept Eddie Mars would have never been sent to hound Kate’s trail to begin with.
Kate however found Smlocke to be very insightful — especially for a dead man. Smlocke thanked her, but guaranteed Kate he was not a dead man at all.
“Nobody’s perfect” Smlocke offered. Or was that no body is perfect? Take the one he’s currently inhabiting for example. The island healed his useless legs, but apparently can’t do anything for bitch tits. Sure Smlocke would rather have Sawyer’s body. Nicely manicured, well-muscled chest, great head of hair and dimples to die for, but you have to admit, John Locke’s form does have a certain old guy charm… plus he doesn’t stain his boxers like a certain pretty boy we all know.
Smlocke tries to gain Kate’s confidence by confessing he has certain shortcomings, and many of those are due to his crazy mother. Now come on. Please! The crazy mother card? Who the hell can’t play the crazy mother card? My mom used to buy me Toughskins and sneakers from the supermarket and then expected me not to get beat up by the neighborhood kids.
Kids are just looking to kick the shit out of the kid in the supermarket sneakers and the Sears brand jeans whenever he goes out to play. Crazy mother. Boo Hoo!

Bible Study

We of course still don’t know Smlocke’s real name. He let us know about his “growing pains” and how things could have gone differently, but if we do go the bible for hints, and we realize the Jacob had a “Bad Twin” named Esau, it’s possible Esau (from his selfish viewpoint) felt his mother Rebecca was crazy. You know what is crazy though, Esau’s hair problem.
Without getting into it too much, Rebecca fools her blind husband Isaac into believing that Jacob is Esau by throwing goatskins on Jacob’s arms and the back of his neck, and having the dying man feel his younger sons arms. How hairy must that Esau guy have been? Maybe bitch tits are a serious step up from goat hair all over your body. Esau’s mother probably made them both Jacob and Esau wear very cheap dungarees as kids too. Poor kids.

Contradictory Theory

Here’s a theory I’ll throw out there that contradicts my Jacob re-enters this world through baby Aaron theory. If Aaron has a crazy mother, and Aaron was not meant to be raised by another could Aaron be the next Smlocke? Now we need to find a baby who would be the mirror baby for Jacob, and that could be Baby Kwon. This might also mean that the name Kwon on the wall actually refers to Baby Kwon and not Sun or Jin. Maybe the Kwon baby is the true candidate? Jacob touched both Sun and Jin, so it makes sense the union of the two that make the one Kwon candidate baby.

Little House, A Little Beer

Meanwhile back at SLU Sawyer’s pad, a little beer and some Little House on the Prairie will make all the pain go away. So much so that Ford/Sawyer thinks it would be a good idea to knock on Charlotte’s door and ask for a redo. Hey Ford/Sawyer, I know this much about women, you don’t scream them out of your bedroom at three in the morning one day and then walk over with a six pack the next and expect all to be forgiven. Even Crazy Claire isn’t that crazy.

By the end of this episode Kate is eating rabbit, which ironically enough mirrors the book Charlotte noticed on Ford/Sawyer’s dresser, “Watership Down.” Sawyer opens up to Kate and lets her know he just supplied both sides with ample information for a long and bloody, and Sawyer plans on taking advantage of that skirmish with a quick little submarine escape.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re trying to figure out if Smlocke is actually padding his bra) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings even if you watched that damn thing 5 times last week and still hear “cheese carrots”) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do a little research on Sawyer’s reading material) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle wants you to follow him on Twitter. He has a new book coming out in Sept. entitled, “”Weird Hollywood,” and is trying to do that viral marketing thing that is all the rage. Please follow him here.

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Stab Like a Man

I swear to God, I uncontrollably spit out an audible snicker every time they show repeats of Ben stabbing Jacob in the chest. I’ve never seen such girlish stabbing in a full grown male. There’s little wonder Ben’s dad never wanted to have a catch with Lil’ Ben. Judging from his lack of stabbing prowess, I’m betting Ben’s dad spent a lot of time chasing down errant throws from 15 feet apart. Sack up Ben and learned to stab like a man.
And how about the way Ben runs? The beautiful Ola Ray ran through a spooky zombie/werewolf infested forest with more testosterone than Ben’s sprinting displays.
I do have to hand it to Dr. Linus in the sarcasm department though. “I’m fine, thank you” is just another one of Ben’s beautifully underplayed snarky comments.
Boy do I love it when I’m right about this show, and while I still expect a few of you more quarrelsome contrarians to dig your heels in and say this episode doesn’t prove anything, to you I say, Pshaw. I was right. Ben’s a good guy, who did what he did for what he believed was a good cause. If this episode showed us anything, and it actually showed us plenty, it showed us at that deep down, when push comes to shove, Benjamin Linus is a good guy.

Showing Off My Nerdishness

Of course, “good” is a relative term, and while I don’t feel comfortable in placing Ben in the “lawful good” category, or even the “neutral good” class, if my brief affair with Dungeons and Dragons in my high school days is clear, Ben has what it takes to be considered “chaotic good.” And in my book, that’s still good.
Ya know what else was good? Watching Ben teach class about the Little Tyrant himself, Napoleon Bonaparte. Man, they’re just spelling some of this stuff out for us now, but the parallels between le petit caporal and Island Ben are fun to explore.
Being exiled to the island of Elba was not Napoleon’s worst fate, lectures Dr. Linus, but rather it was his loss of power. Both Bens have always craved power, and both Ben’s are capable of making some regrettable decisions if granted such power. What we have to remember is both Ben’s do what they do, and did what they did because they believed their actions were for the greater good – so if the means must be justified at the end, Ben is willing to do what he must if he trusts his cause is just.

Let’s Hear it for Dicky Schlubb

If that means committing mass genocide and murdering his father in cold blood – believing a higher power (Jacob) was commanding him to do so, or if it means giving that dicky schlub Arzt his parking spot after he passes up his chance as principal, Ben will ultimately always do the right thing. (Or at least do what he believes is the right thing, and after all, that’s religion there in a nutshell.)
By the way, Dicky Schlubb is a great name for a hacky Borsht Belt character in a terrible short story. I’m calling dibs that name right now, so no one steal it from me. I don’t want to see the name Dicky Schlubb in anyone’s terrible short story unless it’s mine.

A Ben Linus Complex, a Complex Ben Linus

I’m also curious what the writers meant by this line when speaking of Napoleon:
“Sure they allowed him to keep the title of emperor without power, but it was meaningless. He might as well have been dead.”
Is SLU Ben hinting that Current Island Timeline Ben is dead (is that what we’re calling the current island timeline??? I forget what I’ve called that. Anyone remember?) He was brought to the temple as a boy — shot, bleeding and dying. Kate was warned his innocence will be lost and the action was irreversible. Was Ben brought back to life in the healing pools of the once pure temple’s Lazarus Pit? If so, what is the innocence he lost?
We were also treated to the rules that govern Miles’ conversations with the dead. His corpse chats are restricted to how the deceased died, the last thoughts before they “checked out” and he really does need to be near the bodies of the departed.
At Illana’s behest, Miles uses his now defined powers to narc out Ben. I loved that Miles used Ben’s own words against him. “…saw you standing over his dead body holding a bloody dagger, so yeah, I’m pretty sure.” And for the 6th week in a row, we witness Ben unloading another ten pounds or so of fecal matter into his boxer shorts. (I can’t see Ben as a brief’s kind of guy.)
Staring at his own reflection in the dark glass of the microwave oven in a humble flat shared by Ben and his elderly father we see a much different familial relationship between the two. While Dharma Ben murdered his own father with a poisonous gas in The Purge, school teacher Ben uses a life-giving form of gas to preserve his father’s life.
Poor Old Man Linus is not doing well physically, but at least we know, like the happy bond Locke shares with his father in the Safe Landing Universe (hinted at in “The Substitute” episode a few weeks ago) Ben and his dad have a loving rapport.
Linus the elder explains to us he has always regretted his decision to leave the island. “What could have been?” he muses, not realizing the horrifying truth of his vision of island-dwelling years. Still we are left to wonder the hows and whys of their departure from the island.

There Must be Meaning in This Phrase:

Cheese carrots? There’s no way Hurley would dream about anything carrot related if it wasn’t immediately followed by the word “cake.” I’m also surprised to find no mention of bacon in Hurley’s dreams. Pork products play a major role in all of my nocturnal reverie.
With only eleven episodes to go before this show goes off the air, they don’t have time to play around with too much misdirection anymore. I’m calling it right now. Richard was a captive aboard the Black Rock a few hundred years ago. Yeah, I kind of called it a while ago, but I never gave it the Joe Oesterle 100% Guarantee* before this week. They didn’t come right out and say it, and as Richard slyly hinted to Jack – he eventually will, but just not this episode. That said, Richard a.k.a. Ricardus is a former albeit reluctant passenger of the Black Rock.

*The 100% Joe Oesterle Guarantee in no way implies an actual guarantee of anything other than Joe Oesterle’s right to brag loudly and often if he is proven correct about the much-shared belief that Richard Alpert arrived on the island by way of the Black Rock ship.

A Man of Faith

Mr. Alpert is hoping either Hurley or Jack will help him end his life. Richard has finally lost his previously undying belief in Jacob, but all it took was that bastion of belief himself, Jack Shephard, to bring Richard back into the fold.
Look at Jack nowadays huh? A suicide junkie turned into a man of faith. Watching Jack light that dynamite fuse and close his eyes reminded me of his many booze-fueled frequent flyer trips to another plane crash, except this time, Jack understands he’s here for a reason. It was proven to him in the magic mirror. Jacob watched him for years and decided Jack has a role to play, and finally, Jack is ready to play. My mirror only shows me a guy who needs to start back on his cardio program.

My Anaconda Don’t Want None Unless You Got Buns Hun.

Back on the beach, Ben finds Sawyer’s “Booty Babes” stash as well as the autobiography of another island-loving Benjamin. The island was Britain and the other Ben’s last name was Disraeli. After I write this article, I will spent some time Googling one of those two subjects. Naked girls or European statesmen? I’ll let you guys figure out which one.

Those Were The Good Old Days

Ben admits to Lapidus he is nostalgic for his old island days, and is genuinely surprised to find out Lapidus was supposed to fly 815 that fateful day. This leads Lapidus, like Ben’s father, to wonder about what could have been. Ben’s shock quickly turns into an acceptance of inevitability and he is seeing things a bit more clearly now, as he reminds Lapidus the island got him anyway.
This naturally blows Frank Lapidus away, and on a slight tangent I’d like to say I’m pretty sure the actor Jeff Fahey is never not stoned. No one plays “blown away” that well without literally blowing a bone before the take. Seriously, if you have TiVo, freeze frame any second Lapidus is onscreen. To me, it looks like he does nothing but bake himself on the Paca Lolo in his trailer until 5 minutes before call time.

A Promise is a Promise

Meanwhile SLU Ben is going above and beyond for the cause. He has a deep admiration for his student, Alex Rousseau. She is, he tells her, one of the brightest young minds he has ever encountered, and he doesn’t fear for her future at all.
Ben promises the overachieving Alex a tutorial lesson in the library before school, and while the two are going over trade agreements of the East Indies, Alex lets it slip that the thorn in Ben’s professional side has been having a sexual dalliance with the school nurse. Of course this secret is only given with the proviso Ben keeps the information to himself.
Ben assures his adolescent charge that “a promise is a promise” and to his credit, he eventually sticks to the spirit of the guarantee, if not the letter.
Sounds like Miles was channeling Hulk Hogan when he mentioned the “Jabrones” buried with 8.5 million in diamonds. Miles may be less good than Ben when all is said and done – what with all his greed. I’m worried Miles may be a casualty before this cast of castaways take their final curtain call.
Michael Emerson once again displayed remarkable acting ability by conveying more with his huge bulging eyeballs than most actors can with a page of dialogue. (To be fair, Emerson’s eyes are enormous, so he does have a much bigger, spookier ocular palette to work with than other normally-pupiled thespians.) The look of “what have I done” when Miles informed him of Jacob’s last thought was precious. Ben was touched that Jacob thought so highly of him, and disgusted at himself for not staying strong to the end. Great acting there, Ol’ Bug Eyes.

Napoleon and the Dynamite Victim

Unlike the caring, devoted Dr. Linus, Dr. Arzt enjoys flunking kids. Regardless the universe, Arzt is a dick. Now let me be clear. Arzt is not as annoying as Radzinsky. Radzinsky is a douche. Arzt is only a dick. You yourself probably have a few dick friends, but you never have more than one douche friend. Douche friends are too much work, and the friendship never ends well… because the guy is a douche. Arzt is simply a dick.
One thing I’ll say for that dick Arzt, if he lived on the island this show would have only lasted one and a half seasons. Arzt may be a dick, but he asks pertinent questions, and expects replies in the same conversation…. Not 12 episodes later. So it was when Ben told Arzt about Principal Reynold’s school time hanky panky. Dickish Arzt got answers immediately.
By the way, a case can be made that Arzt is also a worse human being than Ben because Arzt only cares about his pension, summer’s off and a parking spot that’s not too shady, but not too hot. Ben sincerely wants to help students make something of their lives, and have the choices and chances he was never given — ostensibly for spending time on that island.

Racing For His Life (Like a Sissy)

Smirking Smlocke and his weird mechanical Coney Island roller coaster SFX C.D. approaches Ben as the good doctor digs his own grave. Smlocke seems genuinely appalled at the news Illana plans to kill the former Others leader, but maybe his “genuinely appalled” face looks a lot like his “yeah, I knew she’d do that” face. Ben is none too pleased at the prospect of an early death either, but he has little recourse — what with his leg shackled and no firearms to ward off his attacker. Whoops… I was wrong on both counts as Smlocke performs a little of his wish granting magic and provides Ben with not only the means necessary to do away with Jacob’s surrogate daughter, Illana. But Smlocke’s also dangling the keys to the kingdom right in front of Ben’s aforementioned buggy eyes. Power, it’s all either Ben seemed to ever want.
Here’s what I don’t like about placing the gun 200 yards away, and spotting Ben a 100 yards in a race with a gun-toting Illana. Ben is a sissy sprinter. I’ve said it before, but it needed to be repeated. The man runs like a chick. And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to any chick I’ve offended by comparing Ben’s running style to yours (if you’re a chick who doesn’t run like a chick.) Sorry chicks.

Good Ol’ Ben (I Say That Because He’s Good)

It turns out power was never what either Ben ever really wanted. SLU Ben decides it’s more important to stay true to his values and however tempting, and regardless of the good he might have accomplished, betraying a student, and betraying his beliefs were never up for discussion when push came to shove.
Current Island Timeline Ben ultimately rejected tainted power as well. All this Ben wanted was a chance to be heard, a chance to plead his case. Ben immediately admits he not totally blameless in the carnage caused, but he honestly felt he was doing what was right. He believed in Jacob, and he felt used. Ben accepted blame, and was willing to suffer the consequences. When push came to shove, and Ben isn’t a heartless killing machine. His kills were based on the belief that he was doing the right thing. Many a general on both sides of the battlefield has ordered the annihilation of humans believing what they did was what was best for God and country.
After his impassioned plea, Ben implores Illana to allow him to leave and rejoin with Smlocke because as he tearfully explains, “he’s the only one who will have me.”
Suddenly, through her own pain, Illana recognizes Ben as a Jacob follower who may have been asked to accept too much of a burden. Ben was a man of faith, and because that faith was so steadfast and so unwavering, he allowed his daughter to be murdered in front of his own eyes. Ben can’t forgive himself, but Illana now can.

So This is How the Other Half Live

As she leads Ben back to the beach camp, Ben starts to feel accepted. As he helps Sun set up camp, he feels, maybe for the first time in his entire life, that he’s finally on the winning side.
Finally Jack, Hurley and the ageless Richard make their way to the beach. Hurley is all hugs and love while Jack greets everyone warmly until he notices Ben off to the side. Jack sidesteps a bit to be sure he sees what he thinks he’s seeing. Ben for his part, no longer feels as accepted as he once did.
As the former enemies stand off against each other once again, a proverbial line in the literal sand between them, but this time, it looks like they’ll be on the same team. Ben told us years ago which team he was on. Now we all know. Ben plays for The Good Guys.
Oh yeah, and then Widmore pulled up in a cheesy submarine. I guess he’s the guy Jacob was expecting.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re trying to find a frame where Jeff Fahey doesn’t look stoned.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings of the fine periodical, “Booty Babes.”) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do a little research on the other book in Sawyer’s tent — “The Chosen” ) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. Check out his blogsite for animations, stories, illustrations, photography and free money.


http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/

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Stab Like a Man

I swear to God, I uncontrollably spit out an audible snicker every time they show repeats of Ben stabbing Jacob in the chest. I’ve never seen such girlish stabbing in a full grown male. There’s little wonder Ben’s dad never wanted to have a catch with Lil’ Ben. Judging from his lack of stabbing prowess, I’m betting Ben’s dad spent a lot of time chasing down errant throws from 15 feet apart. Sack up Ben and learned to stab like a man.
And how about the way Ben runs? The beautiful Ola Ray ran through a spooky zombie/werewolf infested forest with more testosterone than Ben’s sprinting displays.
I do have to hand it to Dr. Linus in the sarcasm department though. “I’m fine, thank you” is just another one of Ben’s beautifully underplayed snarky comments.
Boy do I love it when I’m right about this show, and while I still expect a few of you more quarrelsome contrarians to dig your heels in and say this episode doesn’t prove anything, to you I say, Pshaw. I was right. Ben’s a good guy, who did what he did for what he believed was a good cause. If this episode showed us anything, and it actually showed us plenty, it showed us at that deep down, when push comes to shove, Benjamin Linus is a good guy.

Showing Off My Nerdishness

Of course, “good” is a relative term, and while I don’t feel comfortable in placing Ben in the “lawful good” category, or even the “neutral good” class, if my brief affair with Dungeons and Dragons in my high school days is clear, Ben has what it takes to be considered “chaotic good.” And in my book, that’s still good.
Ya know what else was good? Watching Ben teach class about the Little Tyrant himself, Napoleon Bonaparte. Man, they’re just spelling some of this stuff out for us now, but the parallels between le petit caporal and Island Ben are fun to explore.
Being exiled to the island of Elba was not Napoleon’s worst fate, lectures Dr. Linus, but rather it was his loss of power. Both Bens have always craved power, and both Ben’s are capable of making some regrettable decisions if granted such power. What we have to remember is both Ben’s do what they do, and did what they did because they believed their actions were for the greater good – so if the means must be justified at the end, Ben is willing to do what he must if he trusts his cause is just.

Let’s Hear it for Dicky Schlubb

If that means committing mass genocide and murdering his father in cold blood – believing a higher power (Jacob) was commanding him to do so, or if it means giving that dicky schlub Arzt his parking spot after he passes up his chance as principal, Ben will ultimately always do the right thing. (Or at least do what he believes is the right thing, and after all, that’s religion there in a nutshell.)
By the way, Dicky Schlubb is a great name for a hacky Borsht Belt character in a terrible short story. I’m calling dibs that name right now, so no one steal it from me. I don’t want to see the name Dicky Schlubb in anyone’s terrible short story unless it’s mine.

A Ben Linus Complex, a Complex Ben Linus

I’m also curious what the writers meant by this line when speaking of Napoleon:
“Sure they allowed him to keep the title of emperor without power, but it was meaningless. He might as well have been dead.”
Is SLU Ben hinting that Current Island Timeline Ben is dead (is that what we’re calling the current island timeline??? I forget what I’ve called that. Anyone remember?) He was brought to the temple as a boy — shot, bleeding and dying. Kate was warned his innocence will be lost and the action was irreversible. Was Ben brought back to life in the healing pools of the once pure temple’s Lazarus Pit? If so, what is the innocence he lost?
We were also treated to the rules that govern Miles’ conversations with the dead. His corpse chats are restricted to how the deceased died, the last thoughts before they “checked out” and he really does need to be near the bodies of the departed.
At Illana’s behest, Miles uses his now defined powers to narc out Ben. I loved that Miles used Ben’s own words against him. “…saw you standing over his dead body holding a bloody dagger, so yeah, I’m pretty sure.” And for the 6th week in a row, we witness Ben unloading another ten pounds or so of fecal matter into his boxer shorts. (I can’t see Ben as a brief’s kind of guy.)
Staring at his own reflection in the dark glass of the microwave oven in a humble flat shared by Ben and his elderly father we see a much different familial relationship between the two. While Dharma Ben murdered his own father with a poisonous gas in The Purge, school teacher Ben uses a life-giving form of gas to preserve his father’s life.
Poor Old Man Linus is not doing well physically, but at least we know, like the happy bond Locke shares with his father in the Safe Landing Universe (hinted at in “The Substitute” episode a few weeks ago) Ben and his dad have a loving rapport.
Linus the elder explains to us he has always regretted his decision to leave the island. “What could have been?” he muses, not realizing the horrifying truth of his vision of island-dwelling years. Still we are left to wonder the hows and whys of their departure from the island.

There Must be Meaning in This Phrase:

Cheese carrots? There’s no way Hurley would dream about anything carrot related if it wasn’t immediately followed by the word “cake.” I’m also surprised to find no mention of bacon in Hurley’s dreams. Pork products play a major role in all of my nocturnal reverie.
With only eleven episodes to go before this show goes off the air, they don’t have time to play around with too much misdirection anymore. I’m calling it right now. Richard was a captive aboard the Black Rock a few hundred years ago. Yeah, I kind of called it a while ago, but I never gave it the Joe Oesterle 100% Guarantee* before this week. They didn’t come right out and say it, and as Richard slyly hinted to Jack – he eventually will, but just not this episode. That said, Richard a.k.a. Ricardus is a former albeit reluctant passenger of the Black Rock.

*The 100% Joe Oesterle Guarantee in no way implies an actual guarantee of anything other than Joe Oesterle’s right to brag loudly and often if he is proven correct about the much-shared belief that Richard Alpert arrived on the island by way of the Black Rock ship.

A Man of Faith

Mr. Alpert is hoping either Hurley or Jack will help him end his life. Richard has finally lost his previously undying belief in Jacob, but all it took was that bastion of belief himself, Jack Shephard, to bring Richard back into the fold.
Look at Jack nowadays huh? A suicide junkie turned into a man of faith. Watching Jack light that dynamite fuse and close his eyes reminded me of his many booze-fueled frequent flyer trips to another plane crash, except this time, Jack understands he’s here for a reason. It was proven to him in the magic mirror. Jacob watched him for years and decided Jack has a role to play, and finally, Jack is ready to play. My mirror only shows me a guy who needs to start back on his cardio program.

My Anaconda Don’t Want None Unless You Got Buns Hun.

Back on the beach, Ben finds Sawyer’s “Booty Babes” stash as well as the autobiography of another island-loving Benjamin. The island was Britain and the other Ben’s last name was Disraeli. After I write this article, I will spent some time Googling one of those two subjects. Naked girls or European statesmen? I’ll let you guys figure out which one.

Those Were The Good Old Days

Ben admits to Lapidus he is nostalgic for his old island days, and is genuinely surprised to find out Lapidus was supposed to fly 815 that fateful day. This leads Lapidus, like Ben’s father, to wonder about what could have been. Ben’s shock quickly turns into an acceptance of inevitability and he is seeing things a bit more clearly now, as he reminds Lapidus the island got him anyway.
This naturally blows Frank Lapidus away, and on a slight tangent I’d like to say I’m pretty sure the actor Jeff Fahey is never not stoned. No one plays “blown away” that well without literally blowing a bone before the take. Seriously, if you have TiVo, freeze frame any second Lapidus is onscreen. To me, it looks like he does nothing but bake himself on the Paca Lolo in his trailer until 5 minutes before call time.

A Promise is a Promise

Meanwhile SLU Ben is going above and beyond for the cause. He has a deep admiration for his student, Alex Rousseau. She is, he tells her, one of the brightest young minds he has ever encountered, and he doesn’t fear for her future at all.
Ben promises the overachieving Alex a tutorial lesson in the library before school, and while the two are going over trade agreements of the East Indies, Alex lets it slip that the thorn in Ben’s professional side has been having a sexual dalliance with the school nurse. Of course this secret is only given with the proviso Ben keeps the information to himself.
Ben assures his adolescent charge that “a promise is a promise” and to his credit, he eventually sticks to the spirit of the guarantee, if not the letter.
Sounds like Miles was channeling Hulk Hogan when he mentioned the “Jabrones” buried with 8.5 million in diamonds. Miles may be less good than Ben when all is said and done – what with all his greed. I’m worried Miles may be a casualty before this cast of castaways take their final curtain call.
Michael Emerson once again displayed remarkable acting ability by conveying more with his huge bulging eyeballs than most actors can with a page of dialogue. (To be fair, Emerson’s eyes are enormous, so he does have a much bigger, spookier ocular palette to work with than other normally-pupiled thespians.) The look of “what have I done” when Miles informed him of Jacob’s last thought was precious. Ben was touched that Jacob thought so highly of him, and disgusted at himself for not staying strong to the end. Great acting there, Ol’ Bug Eyes.

Napoleon and the Dynamite Victim

Unlike the caring, devoted Dr. Linus, Dr. Arzt enjoys flunking kids. Regardless the universe, Arzt is a dick. Now let me be clear. Arzt is not as annoying as Radzinsky. Radzinsky is a douche. Arzt is only a dick. You yourself probably have a few dick friends, but you never have more than one douche friend. Douche friends are too much work, and the friendship never ends well… because the guy is a douche. Arzt is simply a dick.
One thing I’ll say for that dick Arzt, if he lived on the island this show would have only lasted one and a half seasons. Arzt may be a dick, but he asks pertinent questions, and expects replies in the same conversation…. Not 12 episodes later. So it was when Ben told Arzt about Principal Reynold’s school time hanky panky. Dickish Arzt got answers immediately.
By the way, a case can be made that Arzt is also a worse human being than Ben because Arzt only cares about his pension, summer’s off and a parking spot that’s not too shady, but not too hot. Ben sincerely wants to help students make something of their lives, and have the choices and chances he was never given — ostensibly for spending time on that island.

Racing For His Life (Like a Sissy)

Smirking Smlocke and his weird mechanical Coney Island roller coaster SFX C.D. approaches Ben as the good doctor digs his own grave. Smlocke seems genuinely appalled at the news Illana plans to kill the former Others leader, but maybe his “genuinely appalled” face looks a lot like his “yeah, I knew she’d do that” face. Ben is none too pleased at the prospect of an early death either, but he has little recourse — what with his leg shackled and no firearms to ward off his attacker. Whoops… I was wrong on both counts as Smlocke performs a little of his wish granting magic and provides Ben with not only the means necessary to do away with Jacob’s surrogate daughter, Illana. But Smlocke’s also dangling the keys to the kingdom right in front of Ben’s aforementioned buggy eyes. Power, it’s all either Ben seemed to ever want.
Here’s what I don’t like about placing the gun 200 yards away, and spotting Ben a 100 yards in a race with a gun-toting Illana. Ben is a sissy sprinter. I’ve said it before, but it needed to be repeated. The man runs like a chick. And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to any chick I’ve offended by comparing Ben’s running style to yours (if you’re a chick who doesn’t run like a chick.) Sorry chicks.

Good Ol’ Ben (I Say That Because He’s Good)

It turns out power was never what either Ben ever really wanted. SLU Ben decides it’s more important to stay true to his values and however tempting, and regardless of the good he might have accomplished, betraying a student, and betraying his beliefs were never up for discussion when push came to shove.
Current Island Timeline Ben ultimately rejected tainted power as well. All this Ben wanted was a chance to be heard, a chance to plead his case. Ben immediately admits he not totally blameless in the carnage caused, but he honestly felt he was doing what was right. He believed in Jacob, and he felt used. Ben accepted blame, and was willing to suffer the consequences. When push came to shove, and Ben isn’t a heartless killing machine. His kills were based on the belief that he was doing the right thing. Many a general on both sides of the battlefield has ordered the annihilation of humans believing what they did was what was best for God and country.
After his impassioned plea, Ben implores Illana to allow him to leave and rejoin with Smlocke because as he tearfully explains, “he’s the only one who will have me.”
Suddenly, through her own pain, Illana recognizes Ben as a Jacob follower who may have been asked to accept too much of a burden. Ben was a man of faith, and because that faith was so steadfast and so unwavering, he allowed his daughter to be murdered in front of his own eyes. Ben can’t forgive himself, but Illana now can.

So This is How the Other Half Live

As she leads Ben back to the beach camp, Ben starts to feel accepted. As he helps Sun set up camp, he feels, maybe for the first time in his entire life, that he’s finally on the winning side.
Finally Jack, Hurley and the ageless Richard make their way to the beach. Hurley is all hugs and love while Jack greets everyone warmly until he notices Ben off to the side. Jack sidesteps a bit to be sure he sees what he thinks he’s seeing. Ben for his part, no longer feels as accepted as he once did.
As the former enemies stand off against each other once again, a proverbial line in the literal sand between them, but this time, it looks like they’ll be on the same team. Ben told us years ago which team he was on. Now we all know. Ben plays for The Good Guys.
Oh yeah, and then Widmore pulled up in a cheesy submarine. I guess he’s the guy Jacob was expecting.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re trying to find a frame where Jeff Fahey doesn’t look stoned.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings of the fine periodical, “Booty Babes.”) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do a little research on the other book in Sawyer’s tent — “The Chosen” ) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. Check out his blogsite for animations, stories, illustrations, photography and free money.


http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/

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Sayid Jarrah — Man of Action, Man of Love

I certainly can’t fault this week’s episode for lack of action. Both incarnations of Sayid were in top mother-fucking, ass-kicking form Tuesday night. And while we do love to watch Sayid kick some mother-fucking ass, this show has never been about putting action above all else; something was missing. Where were the pop culture/religious/mythological/literary/philosophical references? This episode showed some interesting character arcs, but seemed to focus more on the kicking and the punching and the hurting.

As soon as the hour passed, I realized the similarities between kung fu, and kung pao. After an hour of either, you’re still left hungry.

This is not to say there weren’t clues in this episode. The yellow roses were a big clue Nadia was not Sayid’s, and an even bigger clue that even in “Safe Landing Universe,” Sayid’s life was not going to be a bed of roses, regardless what color the petals are.

Suffice it to say Sayid knows it’s nothing but red roses for the object of your love – unless you object to showing such affection to your brother’s wife. The guy may break spines, but he doesn’t break the guy code.

Boomeranging

And what did Sayid bring back from his little Aussie sojourn? Boomerangs. You know, those things that keep coming back to you — like a circle. The symbolism here works a couple ways. One — The Oceanic Gang, like a boomerang, sooner or later had to return to the island, and two — regardless of the universe, Sayid always seems destined to return to his violent ways.

I have a question about the photo of Nadia that Sayid always carries around. Who the hell took this picture, and why is this the photo she decided to give him as a remembrance of herself? I’m not even saying this is a clue, but if a girl gives a picture to a guy she likes, she’s usually at least smiling at the camera. In my experience chicks rarely say goodbye with a surveillance shot with a zoom lens from 40 yards away. Not sure if this has ever been discussed, but I’m open to answers.

Fists of Fury

Now let’s get back to the ass-kicking. Man did Sayid screw with Dogen’s feng shui or what? After Dogen took out Jack with such ease I knew the temple’s protector would be a match for the former Iraqi soldier. Dogen sensed this too, which is why he could not contain his anger after Sayid declared he was a “good man,” and started off the donnybrook with a bit of a sucker punch. That was some great Bruce Lee shit going down there too. If it weren’t for that baseball dropping…

We’re Talkin’ Baseball

Which brings us to the effective imagery in this episode and the constantly reoccurring theme of Father and Son. A simple well-worn baseball has always been able to conjure up childhood emotions in most every fully grown American man. Whether you remember your dad tossing you the old horsehide, or you resent your old man for never having the time to play catch with you, that silly little stitched up spheroid can bring tears to the eyes of nearly every adult male.

Baseball plays a big role in LOST’s central characters. We all recall Christian Shephard’s line about the Red Sox winning the Series. Sawyer, recounted that story to Jack. Kate and her childhood boyfriend Tommy stuck a baseball hat in their time capsule. One of the objects Richard placed before a young John Locke is a baseball mitt, and as recently as last week, Jack hooks up cable so his son David can watch the BoSox, but as evident in the photo on his mirror, Jack’s kid is a Dodger’s fan.

Big Brother is Watching, and Pleading

Looks like Omar needs help from his little brother Sayid once again. You kill a chicken as a good deed 30 years ago, and the guy never stops asking for favors. Much to the younger Jarrah’s dismay, big brother is not only a man who can’t fight his own battles. He’s also not afraid to call Sayid out on being at the root of his soul, a killer. “I know what kind of man you are, Sayid,” the elder Jarrah chides.

There are times Sayid kids himself into believing he’s done with that lifestyle, but like Michael in the Godfather III, it keeps pulling him back in.

Evil Incarnate

Dogen may realize Sayid’s inner scale tips toward the black, but that doesn’t prevent him from hatching a plan that in his mind will either have Sayid kill Smlocke or get Sayid killed. Either outcome, and Dogen is content.

Sadly, Dogen didn’t count on being outsmarted by his opponent, but in Dogen’s defense, this particular challenger is “evil incarnate,” and if we take all the biblical allusions of the past six years into account, it may not be too early to call Smlocke the devil himself.

Clearly there’s a reason we haven’t heard the Man in Black’s name uttered by anyone, including his good buddy, Claire. My guess is once his name is revealed; we’ll know (if we don’t already) the good guys from the bad guys.

So Dogen sets Sayid out on a can’t miss mission. He either kills the bad guy (before he utters a sound) or he feels the unholy wrath of the bad guy, and in Dogen’s mind at least, Sayid is out of the picture. Dogen never planned on Option 3. In fairness, if this adversary is the devil, he’s had a few more centuries of trickery than our merely mortal guardian of the sanctuary.

Smlocke literally shames Sayid out of buying into Dogen’s version of the truth. The bald-headed badass doesn’t react to a sword in the chest with any malice whatsoever. He’s more concerned with the mindset of a man who would commit such an act, based purely on the fact that the guy who beat and tortured him hinted it was his final shot at redemption. Sayid wanted to listen to his better angels, but instead, Wrong-Side Sayid boomeranged back to a fallen angel.

Sayid initially felt, much like Sawyer a few weeks past, that he might be getting played by Smlocke here. The difference is Sayid’s a killer, not a conman. He may have suspected the con, but with enough poise and some stilted facts, a good confidence man can bamboozle a natural born killer into thinking he needs to join his team.

I still hold out hope however that Sawyer is playing the long con.

Breaking a Few Eggs

Back on SLU, Sayid is also being taken for a ride. This time though it’s by a couple of bad men who have vaguely, yet intentionally hinted at harming his nephew and niece if he refuses to comply. Sure if you leave Uncle Sayid alone with the kids, he’ll destroy (and try to mend) your favorite vase, but leave him alone with the men who put his brother in Jack’s hospital, and just like an Aborigine’s curved piece of wood, mother-fucking, ass-kicking Sayid shows back up.

Did anyone call Keamy making a guest appearance? I certainly didn’t. And I really tried to come up with some sort of meaning to SLU Keamy’s assertion that he’s some sort of egg wizard. “I make good eggs,” is exactly the kind of line that means so much more than it seems, yet for the life of me I can’t determine if this is a riddle, much less unravel it. Is this an Easter egg, or to paraphrase the great neurologist, is an egg sometimes just an egg? Regardless, Sayid didn’t mind cracking a few to bad his “you messed with the wrong man” omelet.

Speaking of not seeing that one coming, who saw the next one coming? Jin tied up in the freezer. We know Jin was delivering a watch from Sun father’s Mr. Paik. We also know that Martin Keamy worked for one Charles Widmore in the original timeline. Can we assume that Mr. Paik and Mr. Widmore have been on the same side all along, and perhaps Paik set his son-in-law up by turning him on a suicide mission, into the waiting arms of Widmore’s egg-loving goons?

Going for a Dip

And so Sayid returns (like a boomerang) to Dogen to hand him back his sword, and also ask him why Dogen didn’t kill Sayid when he had the opportunity. My guess is even though Sayid is “infected,” and even though that infection is quickly taking over his immune system, Dogen could not have killed Sayid because technically he’s still a candidate.

Dogen either intentionally dodges Sayid’s inquiry, or he’s too wrapped up in the guilt of his drunken behavior behind the wheel which almost, if not for the grace, and hard bargaining of Jacob, would have cost Dogen’s son his life.

Making the mistake that unlike Jack, Dogen can’t let his guard down against this 815er, Sayid takes a play from Dogen’s own tricky playbook and strikes first — leaving Dogen, and later the helpless Lennon literally dead in the water. Now how Dogen’s death invalidates the ash boundary that has up until this time kept Smlocke at bay we don’t yet know, and once again, I’m happy to entertain answers on this subject.

Linus’ Laundry

And if you thought Sawyer had skidmarks on his drawers a couple of episodes back, what do you think Ben Linus’ tighty whities look like these days? That guy has been doing little more than shitting his pants every time he makes an appearance.

Jacob disappeared in the flames- shit. Locke turns into a homicidal plume of smoke — shit. He sees Locke’s corpse as he’s following Smlocke — shit. And now Ben just displaced another 3 to five pounds of human waste from his bowels to his underpants when Sayid gave him that scary smile. Seriously, could someone please give Ben a new pair of undies? Hell even Sawyer’s used pair would be an improvement.

Suddenly I Don’t Hate Kate

Meanwhile Claire may still be hot (or even hotter if you like wild-haired, impetuously murderous crazy chicks) but she is certainly very cold to the notion that Kate raised her baby off the island for three years. She is certain that she’s safe down in her little cubbyhole.

I can’t shake the feeling that even though Kate willingly joined Smlocke’s Soldiers that her heart’s just not in it. (And where was Sawyer during all of this? Hopefully washing his whites in hot water and plenty of bleach.)

Claire isn’t likely going to let Kate join the merry band of murdering misfits, and Smlocke seemed a bit bewildered at Kate’s decision to follow. It’s as if Smlocke figures, what the hell, the girl has a nice rack, I’ll let her tag along for a while. Smlocke may be evil, but he ain’t crazy.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out if there were any human forms in the Smoke Monster… I didn’t catch any.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings of the flower motif in Nadia’s kitchen — though I don’t know if that means anything) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

And while you’re in the reading mood, check out Joe’s “Way Too Late Movie Review.” This week, it’s “The Highlander,”

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2010/03/02/joe-reviews-the-highlander-24-years-after-the-fact/

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Mirror Mirror in My Sweet Digs

Hey Jackie boy you love your own handsomeness don’t you? Look at you looking at you. A mirror. Jack’s like a parakeet, obsessed with his refection in the mirror… or is he actually reflecting, while gazing at his reflection in the mirror. Hmmm… let’s reflect on that.

I love when they have mirrors on this show. Mirrors can be so symbolic, (One looking into one’s own soul) so mythological, (Medusa) so fantastical, (Alice in Wonderland.) Plus I called the whole mirror thing way back when.

In the mirror at Safe Landing Universe Jack’s swanky L.A. pad, Jack is perplexed at the appendix scar he has been carrying around with him for apparently decades. You’d think a doctor would recall having an appendectomy at 8 years old, especially if his father, the overbearing perfectionist, made such a fuss over wanting to operate on him. It’s still only the beginning for SLU Jack but he’s starting to pick up on the signs that this isn’t the life he’s supposed to lead. Or rather this isn’t the only life he’s supposed to lead.

More Daddy Issues for Jack

Oh yeah, and in this life, Jack has a 12 year old kid. To borrow a phrase from Liz Lemon, “What the What?!?” That’s a hell of surprise. Locke’s real dad apparently didn’t throw him from a high rise and Jack has a kid. And his name is David… AND he thinks Jack’s a big tool.

So who do you think this kid’s mother is? Is it his first wife Sarah? Is it Juliet? (It can’t be, but I’ll throw it in there.) Is it Ana Lucia? Nah the kid isn’t that annoying. Is it someone we’ve seen before? Yeah probably. And it’s probably Sarah.

Sayid Is Terminal

It looks like Sayid is indeed “becoming infected.” Jack finally trusts Dogen now for some reason. (He should have trusted him already, but I’ve made my feelings known about that) Jack is now looking at Sayid like a terminally ill patient. The “infection” still hasn’t claimed Sayid, so there’s still enough of the real Sayid in there that Jack feels a responsibility to shoot straight with him, but to Jack, Sayid is either already as good as dead, or worse for the “good guys,” a potential opponent down the road.

We Now Know Who We’re Rooting For… Or Do We?

I say “good guys,” because I believe these writers have finally given us enough clues to buy into the Jacob really is a good guy angle. There can’t be any more debate. It really was was pretty obvious up until now, but still a little too obvious to be obviously obvious. Tonight’s episode however let me know it’s so obvious that Jacob is a good guy, and Sayid is infected with bad guy stuff. Unless that’s just what they want us to think.

Another confirmation tonight – this time near the glyphs (they have to mean something, but I’m not an archeologist, so if someone knows, feel free to write in) behind the Lazarus Pit — Hurley actually does talk to dead people. Pretty cool when even the great Dogen feels humbled before Hurley the Seer. There’s Hurley talking to Dogen with Jacob standing over his shoulder telling him the right things to say. It was like watching an old episode of The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. It makes me yearn for more Charles Nelson Reilly on television. R.I.P. Chuck. (On a side note, I love this video.)

http://sendables.jibjab.com/originals/weird_al_charles_nelson_reilly

Pushing Buttons

Wow does Jacob know Jack’s buttons. He almost smiled when Hurley asked him to help him with convincing Jack. Did you see Jack’s face when Hurley mentioned to Jack that Jacob told him, the opposite of what his dad grew up telling him?

“You have it in you.” I couldn’t help but think that was the mantra that Jack had in his head when he realized he wanted to be a father. He was going to prove to his own father that Jack had it in him to be a supportive father.

When Jack heard Jacob’s message through Hurley, Jack felt angry, violated, and vulnerable. Jacob just intentionally drilled on Jack’s last raw nerve and now Jack is looking like he wants to punch Jacob in the face.

As a matter of fact, Jack has that look on his face at least every other episode, which boils down to approximately Jack wanting to punch every tenth person he encounters. How hair trigger is this guy that he wants to punch one out of every ten people he encounters? Hell, I’m a walking ball of repressed grey haired ball of Irish Catholic fury most of the time and I only want to punch about one out of every twenty people I interact with.

And while I’m still on Jack, I loved the reference to Kitty and Snowdrop — Alice’s two cats who transformed into the Red and White queens in Wonderland. Opposite forces, or mirror images of each other.

Who is He?

So who does Jacob now want brought to the island? Last year, after Ben stabbed him he said “they” were coming, but now Jacob only seems to be concerned with a single individual. Who is it? Maybe Desmond? Maybe Des and Penny, maybe Des and Penny and Widmore.

Mommy Issues

Jack isn’t the only single parent who has found raising a child to be difficult. Look at his half sister Claire. Her name seemed to partially register with SLU Jack when his mother mentioned her while going over Christian’s will. And by the way, did anyone else think Veronica Hamel had lovely hands for a woman of her age?

I apologize we all had to find out about my newest fetish at this time, but she has a great set of hands for an old lady.

And what about Claire? She’s turned into Rousseau – dynamite sticks and all. And whoa, was that 3-year old beach-worn bassinet creepy as hell or what?

I was half expecting a zombified baby for some reason, but that wouldn’t have made sense. What did make sense, in the saddest most morbid ways of all, is Claire building a substitute baby out of old animal pelts and the skull of what I’m assuming was that old polar bear.

Has Claire been “mothering” that thing for 3 years. Claire’s not only been infected, she is seriously now become one crazy bitch. I know two or three crazy Claire types who frequent this dive bar I hang out at in Westminster California, The Rebel Room. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all didn’t have bear skull babies at home. Seriously Jin, you want to stay away from girls who pretend bear skulls are their infant sons.

Sad note about me is I prefer to hang out in bars with the certifiably insane. I enjoy my time in the company of drunken lunatics. It makes me feel superior.

And I feel this is confirmed as well. Claire is dead. She said as much when she was stitching Jin’s gnarly leg back up. If there’s one thing that will kill you on this island, Crazy Dead Claire warned Jin, it’s infection.

She then proceeded to drive an axe right through Other Justin’s barrel chest. I’m telling you Jin, I know these axe-swingin,’ bear skull mothers from the Rebel Room. They are evil, and they are nuts.

These Are The Good Ol’ Days

La-di-da you’re trekking through the island with Hurley for the bajillionth time in 108 episodes (yes this was installment 108 overall in the series.) and one of your plane crash pals pulls a gun on you and almost shoots you dead.

“Oh Jack, you silly thing, I almost but a bullet in your head. Ha ha ha.”

“I know. That’s so funny. It’s just like the time I almost I almost put a bullet in your head. Remember? Boy we almost shoot each other a lot of this island. We’re crazy like that.”

None for All, and All for None

Kate confesses to Jack that Jin and Sawyer are on their own, and neither one seems likely to head back to the temple. Jack isn’t all that interested in them, but tries to persuade Kate to come with them. Kate isn’t going along.

“We had some fun jungle adventures in the past Jack. Like remember that time I almost shot you? Good times. But I’m gonna do my own thing now.”

And then Kate actually says to Jack, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” That one line contains a whole lot of meaning. It’s as if Kate now realizes it’s time to focus on her quest, and not let anything interfere with that mission. She knows Jack has his own demons to vanquish, and they can’t rely on each other for this, and maybe any other mission in the future.

Matter of fact, it looks like they’re all ready to quit the band and do solo albums. Looks like Jack’s passionate speech about staying together or dying alone may have been a bad message. They all need to focus in on what their speicific purpose in life is. They can’t get swept up in one another’s problems… no more kissing you or kissing him until we do what we have to do and maybe not even then.

Robin Hood and Little John Walkin’ Through the Forest. Golly What a Day.

It was nice to hear Hurley acknowledge the great jungle adventures of the first couple seasons. Those were exciting times. Being tied up with bags over your head, people shooting at you, smoke monsters, running people over in your hippie van. Damn good times. As if all those reasons weren’t good enough, Hurley asks Jack why he voluntarily came back to the island, but Jack, still new at this man of faith thing makes Hurley tells his story first.

Hurley offers the short and simple truth. Jacob and he shared a cab and Jacob asked him to go back. Hurley didn’t fight Jacob on the issue. He agreed with very little resistance. Perhaps Hurley is more receptive to the good than Jack.

Jacob can just ask Hurley to put his faith in him and Hurley won’t question what Jacob requires, because Hurley is a man of faith. Hurley doesn’t question, he’s receptive.

This is no different than what most major religions require of their faithful. It’s a pretty standard boilerplate “If you open yourself to God’s love, you will know the kingdom of heaven” type of thing.

Hurley is the fertile soil and the word of the Lord grows there with little trouble. Jack is the rocky terrain. His garden requires more tending.

All Along The Watchtower

So our intrepid wanderers encounter a lighthouse they have curiously never seen before. Jack wonders aloud to Hurley why they’d never seen this lighthouse in all their previous journeys, to which Hurley responds with all the wisdom that feels at home in both the Old Testament and that old 70’s show, Kung Fu. They haven’t noticed it before because, “we never looked for it before.”

Kickin’ It In, Old School.

As they reach the door, our heroes realize Jacob didn’t provide Hurley with a key, so Jack commences to do what Jack loves to do. Jack kicked the door down. Jack’s a whiz at kicking doors down. Give Jack an old locked door and he’ll kick it down faster than anyone. (Unless Sayid’s standing next to him, then they seem to take turns.) Dude’s almost looking for shut doors just so he can kick some down.

Of course we’re talking about physical doors here. Jack loves to kick down a physical door, but in 6 seasons of this show Jack couldn’t kick a metaphorical door down if it were metaphorically made of Styrofoam. Metaphorical doors kick Jack in. Up until this episode.

We’ve just seen Jack look into his own reflection and realize what he must do. Both metaphorically and in every day terms. Jack needs to start kicking in doors… and smashing a few mirrors while he’s at it for good measure.

Another Kind of Candidate

Meanwhile back in the SLU, we find out that Jack’s son took off for a piano try-out at a local conservatory. Seems David is a “candidate.” Jack raced there to see him perform his piece, and dear ol’ dad could barely contain his joy. Another proud papa was SLU Dogen, who probably isn’t a samurai at all on this universe. He looked a little like a suit salesman I knew when I worked at JC Penney’s in my college days. You guys don’t know this guy, but Dogen looked just like him. Good guy… he always gave me a deal on socks and underwear.

Ok, that was slightly off tangent. Dogen couldn’t help but share how the he felt the pressure on kids can be unfair. Jack later finds out from David that despite all promises he must have made to himself as he was growing up and planning on how he would be a good father, Jack unintentionally repeated the sins of Christian.

Sweating the Details

At the top of the lighthouse, Hurley is literally sweating the details — right off his chubby forearm. Jack is spinning the Wheel of Misfortune and every now and then he gets a glimpse of something behind him, and it isn’t the ocean. At one tiny interval there’s what looks to be Sun’s father’s estate. Another rotation and we see the steeple of the Ford family church. Jack doesn’t give a shit about 108. He needs to check out #23. That’s the number Jack’s name coordinates with on the wheel.

It’s the house Jack grew up in, and Hurley sees it too. This is too much for Jack He hasn’t wanted to punch someone for 40 minutes. It’s about to want to punch. He can’t punch Hurley. Hurley’s just the messenger. But he can smash the mirrors. He can break Jacob’s mirrors the way Jack feels Jacob broke him. Which as it turns out was all part of Jacob’s plan to begin with. Man that guy is good at pushing the right buttons.

Jacob is Good Because Claire is Evil.. and Dead. (At Least Metaphorically Dead)

Meanwhile back at Camp Crazy Corpse Claire, Jin has just figured out how Claire is no longer one of the good guys, and he hatches a plan to lure Claire back to the Temple. A temple that Claire somehow escaped before – a temple in which Claire was subjected to many of the same tests as Sayid just went thorugh.

And if we needed any further proof that Smlocke/MIB was evil, Crazy Corpse Claire corrected Jin when he wrongly assumed the guy walking into camp was John Locke. “That’s not John,” she said with a roll of her eyes, “this is my friend.”

ALSO, Why I Think You Can’t Call Ben a Villain.

A few of us were having a spirited discussion on whether Ben is good or evil. I believe this type of argument is what makes this show great, because even if the writers came out tomorrow and told us if he’s good or evil, the debate could still continue with each side making valid points.

I’m not sure of the death tally, but I Sawyer has more kills than just Anthony Cooper and the innocent food vendor guy. Sawyer killed Mr. Friendly I bet Mr. Friendly’s family would believe the man who killed Mr. Friendly was a bad man.

And that’s the point this show makes. Good and Evil is all about your particular point of view. Of course we think of Adolf Hitler as an evil man, and we should, but what these guys have done is taken someone we could interpret as Hitler and say look at this guy Ben, he had lofty motives for his genocide.

Please don’t anyone write me and say I’m saying Hitler had lofty motives… I will assume I’m speaking to a hip, smart crowd or you wouldn’t be here. But it is interesting how a writer, and an actor can skew perception to make a Hitler-like character seem either sympathetic, or maybe even innocent because he was answering to a higher calling.

Americans in 1945 (at least the overwhelming majority) didn’t think Harry Truman was evil when he leveled Hiroshima killing and maiming up to 200,000 Japanese, (many civilians and many of them women and children) and destroying the lives of countless more not to mention crippling their economy for decades. We here in the USA think of Harry as a good guy. My guess is there’s more than a few Japanese who don’t hold him in quite that same regard.

Perhaps Ben is Truman, and not Hitler.

Perception, ladies and gentlemen…. perception.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make sense out of glyphs you have no idea how to interpret.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need check out long forgotten characters from a Lewis Carroll story) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

If you liked this article, check out Joe Oesterle’s review of the 1974 classic, “Towering Inferno.” It may be 36 years too late, but it takes that long to write a review this good.

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2010/02/14/towering-inferno-movie-review/

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I know some of you have not been too terribly impressed with how this season has been proceeding, but wow was this week’s a good one or what? Then again, The Substitute was a Locke-centric show, with Sawyer supporting throughout, how can you miss?

“The Substitute cleverly doubles as both Locke’s profession, and the evil being now using Locke’s appearance.

One of the Last Temptations of Locke

I think I may have figured out what we were watching here. You know what I think we were watching here? The Last Temptation of Christ, that’s what I think we were watching here.

The Safe Landing Universe, (SLU) is the life Jesus would have lived if he, the man, refused to accept his place in history and avoided his fate at the crucifixion. In the movie (and in the novel for you smart book types) we are shown the life that Jesus would have lead if he chose not to turn his back on God’s word.

According to novelist, Nikos Kazantzakis, if Jesus were never nailed to the cross, he would have married Mary. The couple would have churned out a few tiny Christs, Mary would die, Jesus would be sad, but he’s get over it and marry a couple more Mary’s, who would pop out a few more Christs for him. Ultimately however, Kazantzakis’ Jesus knows his life was meant for some greater purpose.

Sure he was happy, but he was supposed to die for our sins. (Echoing Charlie’s sentiment, “I was supposed to die”)

If Locke can give up the love of a woman he loves dearly, and a job in which he’s finally fulfilled, for the betterment of others, that’s pretty damn Christ like.

Standing by a nearby tree, Smlocke (Smoke Monster Locke) promises Alpert, a probable island dweller for hundreds if not thousands of years, he will grant him knowledge. (Sounds a little Adam and Evey) Richard immediately rejects Smlocke’s devilish offer to join his minions.

Ben Equals Misguided Good Guy

For some time now, I’ve been claiming Ben has always essentially been a good guy, and now I feel vindicated. Ben may have abused his power and Ben may have seemed petty now and then, but I maintain Ben always did what he believed was good for the island, and he did it for (mostly) unselfish reasons. Ben is aware of the good that island is capable of, and he isn’t about to let someone like Charles Widmore compromise or exploit the powers of the island.

Looking back, one of the most interesting things about Ben is he always believes he tells the truth, and I believe he believes he actually does tell the truth based on his actual view of what is and isn’t true. He quickly fesses up to Ilana that Locke became a pillar of smoke, and then Jacob has been killed… he just conveniently omits the simple unpleasant reality that Ben himself did the evil deed. Ben can rationalize the truth in his own mind to present as others as the absolute truth. Ben’s truth is often 90 real truth, and ten percent fashioned truth from Ben’s perception of the absolute truth.

This does not make Ben a bad guy; this makes Ben fallible. Maybe killing John Locke makes Ben a Judas, but I’ve never thought of Judas as a bad man. In the context of the biblical story of Jesus, I have always seen Judas as a man, created by God, to help facilitate the final days of Jesus in human form.

I am curious to know why Ilana is scooping Jacob’s ashes into a little bag though. Does she have some plan to (ashes to ashes) rebuild her leader?

The Forgotten Boy

So Smlocke is recruiting, and Sawyer seems like a likely candidate. As the evil doppelganger strolls through the filthy hallway of a formerly cozy little beach bungalow that was once occupied by Sawyer and his lady love, Juliet, Smlocke is confronted by the punk rawness of the Iggy Pop song, “Search and Destroy.” Check out these freaky prophetic lyrics.

I’m a street walking cheetah

with a heart full of napalm

I’m a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb

I am a world’s forgotten boy

The one who searches and destroys

Honey gotta help me please

Somebody gotta save my soul

Baby detonates for me

Look out honey, ’cause I’m using technology !

No Shit Sherlock

So there’s Sawyer, tossing back Dharma Whiskey straight out of the bottle. Smlocke freely admits to Sawyer that Locke is dead, to which Sawyer barely bats an eye. Sawyer seems to be the only one of the 815ers to completely believe he’s on a magic life-fucking island.

Frighteningly, as this generation’s Han Solo pours Smlocke a tasty alcoholic beverage I spot something so foul, so incorrect, so way beyond what I was expecting from my man Sawyer, I must hit rewind on the TiVo button several times before my mind allows the image to register.

There he is. My favorite orphan/conman/murderer/charming rogue/effective leader/monogamous confidant/disillusioned ant-hero is walking down his filthy hallway, drunk off his ass, and apparently shitting right out of that drunk ass and directly into his own boxer shorts. Damn Sawyer, wipe your ass, man… and stop shitting in your pants while you’re at it… Do both of those things immediately, Sawyer. First stop shitting in your pants, and second, start wiping your asshole. Just doing one of those two isn’t enough. You can’t stop shitting your pants and still refuse to wipe your asshole, and for goodness sakes, you can’t commit to wiping your asshole, if you continue to willfully shit your pants. So just do them both Sawyer. I don’t like seeing you like that, man. Just because you live by yourself doesn’t mean you get to shit in your pants. It’s all kinds of wrong, Sawyer. Seriously man… it’s just wrong. So stop shitting and start wiping, and we’ll be cool again, yo, OK?

The Conman in His Element

Smlocke is surprised Sawyer’s taking it so well. Sawyer sees through his Locke façade which is the exact skill set James Ford needed to size up potential marks. Smlocke, a man who if not an immortal, certainly has been around the block a few thousand times, is surprised and impressed with Sawyer’s talent for reading him. Sawyer follows that up again with something else that takes the immortal off guard. Sawyer informs Smlocke, that he’s aware he isn’t the late John Locke. Sawyer then goes on to explain how this Locke-Alike doesn’t behave like the original Locke. John Locke was scared, Sawyer declares, even when he was pretending he wasn’t. This new guy isn’t scared. Ben never caught on to that.

Now I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that there were times that island Locke was in total control of his insecurities, but I also want to believe that Sawyer doesn’t shit his drawers when no one is around to watch, but that’s the cold hard truth of it. Locke, at his essence was never as fearless as he seemed to be, but to his credit, he always persevered in the face of tremendous odds. Often failing, always a little scared, but more importantly always trying, always believing. (Like when he Evel Kneiveled his wheelchair at the beginning of this very episode. BTW, I loved how even a wheelchair bound John Locke still loves the feel of water droplets splashing off his shiny dome.

Douche

If I know this audience, and I do, I know everyone was thrilled when Hurley came right out and called Randy a “huge douche.” The word, “douche” certainly has gotten a lot of primetime network airplay in the last couple years. It’s like someone in TV finally realized “douche” wasn’t on Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words routine, which has to make it safe for family viewing. I can’t believe those stupid douches at Standards and Practices left that loophole open.

TV’s Newest, Coolest Rich Guy.

After John Locke realized he just told off the owner of his former company, Hugo Reyes, the big man, offers Locke a sweet gig through his placement agency. Locke almost intentionally scratched the shit out of Hurley’s ride, and Hurley tells him he can hook him up with a job. Hurley’s is now the coolest rich guy ever.

Mr. Phillip Drummond, the wealthy white widower who adopted two inner city black youths, and moved them into a penthouse with his hot, troubled young white daughter Used to be the coolest Rich Guy on TV. Mr. Drummond was pretty cool, but Hurley just bumped him down to second place. Thurston Howell the Third has just been toppled out of the Top Ten.

Here’s Another Theory I’m Working On

So who’s the blonde haired boy with the bloody hands? Is it Aaron, or is it Jacob or, and here’s a mind-blower…. Is it Aaron and Jacob. We could split the difference and call him, “Aarob,” but somehow I feel that will offend.

How about this for a theory? I’ve never seen this one anywhere else, and as always I reserve the right to say, “Heh, I was just kidding around about that theory, I didn’t really mean it.” (Even though I did.)

Ok, here it is. Aaron is so important because for some crazy mathematical reason or something, the stars lined up perfectly and Jacob was able to re-enter this world the only way he can — through Claire’s hey-nanny-nanny. Coincidently it’s the opposite way the MIB entered Locke’s form. Instead of entering through the dead however, Jacob enters only through the miracle of childbirth. He must also enter on an island that is forbidden to allow babies born on it’s soil, so that makes things tougher.

What I love about this theory is it fits in with Ben and his boys, (like Dr. Goodspeed) were indeed good guys. Goodspeed wasn’t trying to kill Claire’s baby, he was trying to make sure it was born.

Now there is plenty of things I haven’t completely worked out in this theory, like how could a 12 year old (I’m guessing) “Aarob,” (I’m sorry if it’s offensive, but that name is catchy) simply show up in front of Smlocke? Just as importantly why did Sawyer see this kid when Richard could not? And really, what are these rules we’re always hearing about? And why does it seem like Smlocke is going to break one of those rule? And why do I get the feeling if Smlocke actually breaks a rule that will be a positive break for the good guys.

And now I’m assuming the good guys are pretty much anyone who isn’t Smlocke. So Ben’s a good guy, Jack’s a good guy, Lennon is a good guy, Richard is a good guy. The only bad guys are “Island-Walking Christian,” (who’s dead) and “Island-Walking Claire.” (Who is also dead — her name was crossed out in the cave — more to come on the cave later.)

So Locke chases after Aarob, and the towhead reminds Smlocke of “the rules.” Again with the rules. What the hell are these rules? Ironically Smlocke shares many of the same flaws Smlocke mocked Locke for possessing. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do,” screams Smlocke, echoing exactly what Locke has said much of his life.

SLU Locke at least eventually realized the walkabout guide was right. He does have limitations. He needs to be realistic, and once he accepts his destiny he will be rewarded.

Justifiable Soiling

Richard warns Sawyer to come with back to the safe grounds of the temple, and he strenuously implores Sawyer to come with him. Richard may have shit his pants, but at least that’s understandable. He’s shitting his pants out of fear for the devil, not because he’s having too much fun sitting on the bedroom floor drinking Dharma hooch straight from the container to bother taking a stroll over to the toilet bowl – not 30 feet away. Unfortunately for Sawyer, Smlocke headed back that way and Richard adhering to the strictest interpretation of the old saying about three being a crowd, quickly ran away.

Granny Does Your Dog Bite?

Sawyer lies to Locke about talking to Richard and Locke lies right back to Sawyer about chasing the kid. (Aarob) Sawyer knows when he’s being conned, but as slick as Sawyer is, he’s not going to grift the devil. Only one mortal ever done that before. His name was Johnny, and the way I heard it tell, he played a pretty mean fiddle.

The Best Laid Schemes

If any further hints were needed to prove this MIB/Smlocke fella is an old-timer, he referred to the 1937 work of John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men to be “a little after my time.” So what are Smlocke’s plans? And will they gang aft agley? Why can’t kill Smlocke kill without being attacked or maybe he simply can’t kill James Ford, but he’s definitely not afraid of a bullet to the skull, and that unnerves Sawyer enough to not place a bullet in the back of Smlocke’s skull.

Meanwhile, Back at the Funeral…

As Sun, Frank, and Ilana carry the real Locke’s carcass along the rocky shore we get two answers, in rapid succession. This comes as quite a shock, because we rarely get one answer without encountering two more questions, but this time it was simply, here’s and answer. And here’s another. Enjoy.

They explained why Ilana and company needed to bring Locke’s dead body with them. (To show all the others the face of what we’re up against) AND we also found out the Man in Black was only able to do that trick once, and for some reason still unknown to the audience, he can only do it once. (He’s stuck this way.”)

Not to Be Insensitive, But

On this island, I’d rather bury a Christian than a Jew on this island. Think about it. After digging a six-foot hole under a scorching island sun, a cross is so simple to affix on top. Just break a big stick and tie the two pieces together with some hemp rope. Way easier than constructing a Star of David. I can’t even do the math on how many sticks you’d need for a Star of David, but I know you’d use a lot of hemp rope to tie that Star of David up with. What, you think hemp rope is just laying around on an island? It’s not. You gotta make that stuff.

I’d Like Ben to Kill Me, Just So He Would Say Some Kind Words About Me.

Ben delivers a touching eulogy, and in his grief and despair, he finally spills out the 100% truth. Ben called Locke a believer, a man of faith, a much better man than I will ever be. Then sincerely adds, “And I’m very sorry I murdered him.” The truth may have set Ben Linus free. I did love Lapidus’ line about this being the weirdest damn funeral he’d ever attended.

Mores Ape Visuals

I love a cave full of weird stuff right off the ocean. Very Planet of the Apes-ish. Smlocke takes the white (good) rock off of the scales and chucks it into the ocean. Smlocke loves a good inside joke.

Sawyer however doesn’t care for Smlocke’s insider humor and asks to see why he was really brought down here, to Jacob’s pad, (I’m supposing) which Smlocke is only too happy to do. He then reveals names scribbled on the walls of the inner cave – Many of the names strike Sawyer as familiar since they also shared that fateful crash with him all those years ago.

The Numbers.

Among the living members, and candidates for Jacob’s job, for you lazy few who are waiting for me to do all the heavy lifting, are: Locke — 4, Hurley — 8, Ford — 15, Jarrah — 16, Shephard — 23 and Kwon — 42. (I’m assuming Sun not Jin, but who knows?)

I also notice Claire Littleton’s name was crossed out, meaning Claire did die during that explosion. Man, I’m on fire.

After years of mind-fucking, time-traveling, and seeing dead people, Sawyer’s buttons have been firmly pressed. Little does he realize he’s just been set up as a patsy in one of the longest cons in the history of ever.

And Just One More Ben is Good Point

SLU Locke is happy as a substitute and Ben Linus turns out to be an anal retentive nebbish whose ears perk up when the conversation turns to the refined pursuit of a leisurely cup of mid-day tea. Ben was one of the good guys. Villains don’t drink tea.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out certain stains on the backside of certain people.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, and to make out certain stains on the backside of certain people.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need check out the lyrics to an angry punk ) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. Check out Joe’s humorous review of the 1974 classic, “The Towering Inferno.”

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2010/02/14/towering-inferno-movie-review/

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A Guy Walks Onto a Plane…

Before I begin this week’s article I wanted to pass along a LOST appropriate joke I came across a few days ago.

A guy walks into the hospital and says, “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”

The doctor says, “When did this first happen?” And the guy said, “Next Tuesday.”

Get it? It’s a time joke. Who knew six years ago that jokes regarding the system of sequential relations would make us all laugh so knowingly? Who could have predicted this joke based on chronological intervals would prove so hilarious in 2010? Am I right? I mean, except for the future-viewing guy who went to the doctor’s office in the first place? Yes, he knew. He would have had to know, but who else?

What Else Does Kate Do?

Ok, hope you all enjoyed that bit of jocularity, because now it’s time to get serious as we take a look at a possible timeline and we witness What Kate Does.

One thing Kate does is run. Kate’s been a big avoider her entire life, and Safe Landing Universe Kate is just following the blueprint left by Island Bound Kate. So she hijacks a cab, and tries to hightail it out of LAX with a very pregnant Claire at her side. As the taxi makes it by Marshall Ed Mars, Kate is almost home free, except good ol’ Doc Arzt drops his luggage in the street and decides to recite lines from Midnight Cowboy. Everybody in L.A. wants to get into acting.

Did everybody else catch “the moment” Jack and Kate shared as Kate was holding a gun on Jack’s half-sister? Ahhh cryptic romance.

Say You, SayMIB.

Meanwhile, Miles is confused as to who or at least how many are now inhabiting Sayid’s body. Looks like I was kind of right and kind of wrong about Sayid’s fate last week — but I was more wrong. I guessed Sayid had become partially inhabited by Jacob, thus making him, Saycob. If anything, it looks like I should have taken Wesley Snipes advice and always bet on (The Man in) black because after placing him through a series of time-honored tests, Sayid now seems more like SayMIB (Half Sayid and half Man in Black. Damn I wish they’d give that guy a name.)

While none of us here can really say with any certainty what this island is, time-jumping island dweller Sawyer believes he’s got the answer — and his answer is Hell. We in the audience know better because Cuse and Lindelof told us it wasn’t hell, or heaven or even purgatory in season one. They told us that right after they told us there wouldn’t be any time travel, and everything on the show could be explained by science… Fuckers.

Later Skaters

Looks like Sawyer is also tired of those aforementioned fuckers, ‘cause he wants the hell out of hell and he no longer cares who he leaves behind. Sawyer started this series out as the heartless loner. He then evolved into the charming rogue and later became the respected leader. Fortune has once again spit on Jimmy Ford just as it did when he lost his parents at a young age, and he’s reverted to heartless loner. It’s a role he’s familiar with. He leaves, but not without Kate trekking after him once more.

Ape Has Killed Ape!

Our mysterious Japanese host sends some armed guards along with the search party, and it was nice to see Rob McElhenney (Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia — love that show) reprise his role as Aldo. As many of you know I’m a huge Planet of the Apes fan, so I get such an uncontrollably geeky smile on my face when the writers reference any Apes movie. Even the bad ones… except there were no bad ones. Each Apes movie is pure genius…. Even the bad ones…except there were no bad ones.

Aldo’s buddy revealed that they know about the Ajira crash, which is confusing me because I thought those planes crashed at different times too. Does this mean Sun, Ben and Frank have always been in the same year as Jack, Kate and Hurley, and if so why did Christian lie to them and tell them otherwise?

Even Pregnant Claire Could Have Caught Up To That Fat Cabbie.

Meanwhile back in Safe Landing Universe (SLU) Kate has already lost a fat cabbie hostage and told pregnant Claire to beat the bricks. Kate needs to find to a corrupt mechanic in Los Angeles. Luckily for her, immoral grease monkeys are as plentiful in the City of Angels as Yoshinoya Beef Bowls. Before you can say one Miso soup and a large Sierra Mist, Kate’s a free woman.

After scurrying through Claire’s purse, she finds that same stuffed Orca whale that Aaron was holding when Jack screams to Kate that she isn’t even related to the little towhead back during her 3 year Oceanic Six period. She decides to use that freedom by giving Claire her luggage back and dropping her off at the adoptive parents home. (Anybody have any idea if “Langdon Street” has any significance? It must) The problem is when they get there, and Claire convinces the fugitive with a heart of gold to go to the door with her, the ladies find out Aaron’s adoptive parents split up, and the prospective mother doesn’t no longer thinks childrearing is for her. Just then Claire’s water breaks, and Kate once again, acting in the unborn baby Aaron’s best interest, puts her own safety behind the well being of the innocent infant. Something Kate did time and time again during her three-year vacation from the island.

Plastic Dogen Band

Back on the Island Bound Universe (IBU) Dogen and Lennon are on to the game. The problem is so is SayMIB. Whatever game is being played is being played by gentlemen’s rules, and with dire consequences. The boys from the temple know this guy isn’t Sayid, at least not completely, and not anymore. And the guy who used to be completely Sayid knows they know he is no longer only Sayid, and is in reality SayMIB. Say what?

One thing that’s worth mentioning is while whoever is running around looking like Locke, he didn’t actually use Locke’s corpse. (As SLU Locke eluded to last episode, the body is not the person.) Whoever is creeping his way inside Sayid (and I’m calling him the MIB for now) is doing it in Sayid’s actual skin.

Jack isn’t sure what they just did to Sayid, but he charges in to see the big boys and Dogen’s guards almost can’t get out of their way fast enough to let him through. Dogen explains that “Sayid” is “infected” and Jack needs to give him some “medicine” to

Stop the disease from “spreading.” Jack sees right through those quotation marks but Dogen seems to guilt Jack into administering the pill to Sayid himself. After all, the pill needs to be taken of Sayid’s own free will and by someone he trusts.

Zombieland.

Oh and the zombie theorists have finally had their theory decapitated with a shovel. I did however enjoy the wink to a certain unrelenting undead fan base.

Here’s a flaw I find in Jack’s mistrust of the heads of the other Others. He witnessed and admitted that the other Others brought Sayid back from the dead. So why does he now think they are trying to kill him? I mean, I know they are — or at least I think they are. You can’t take anything for granted on this show, but at this stage Jack has more reason to believe that pill will do Sayid more good than harm. Why is he suddenly assuming the people who brought Sayid back from the dead, want to kill him again?

Meanwhile back on SLU

Sure Kate goes chasing behind Sawyer again, but the difference is this time Kate isn’t running after Sawyer because her fickle heart pointed her in that direction. This time Kate is keeping her word. Kate only went to that island to find Aaron’s mom, Claire.

Good news for all you Shaters (haters of the union) out there. Looks like Sawyer and Kate are not ever getting back together. Sawyer pretty much told her so when he showed Kate the diamond engagement ring he must have purchased at Radzinsky’s House of Diamonds back in the 70’s. He punctuated that sentiment when he took the ring meant for Juliet and tossed it into the ocean. I honestly believe in one of the rare times in this series Kate didn’t think of herself. She cried for Sawyer, then for Juliet. (By the way, this still points nicely to my belief that Sawyer will eventually end up with Juliet before everything is said and done.)

Doctor Goodspeed, Paging the Late Doctor Goodspeed

Funny how every time we see this guy he wants to stick a needle in Claire. As Claire decides she’s not quite ready to deliver the baby, LOST pulls out one of their favorite tricks. The old, make it look like something is dreadfully wrong, and then play it off that everything is fine misdirection. This time tragedy was averted sweetly and ended with a “Aaron is going to be a handful” joke, followed by a nice, “You’re doing great, Mommy,” by ol’ Doc Goodspeed.

Ya Gotta Have Hart.

And how about Claire covering for Kate, or as the cops referred to her as “Joan Hart.”

I’m not sure if that’s a reference to Joan Jet and the Blackhearts, (She formerly of the aptly named group “The Runaways”) or Sabrina The Teenage Witch star, Melissa Joan Hart. Beth Broderick who also starred on Sabrina plays Kate’s mother in this series. I’m at once happy and frustrated to report I never watched that show, so if any clues went over my head pertaining to that reference, please forgive me.

How many of you caught the date on Aaron’s ultrasound? 10/22/04. So unless I have my dates wrong, The Oceanic flight in SLU happens about a month later than the flight/crash on IBU.

Oh, and the LAPD don’t really need a time machine to go back and re-botch all their famous crime fighting blunders.

Free Will.

I also enjoyed it when Claire gave Kate her credit card as her way of saying thanks for shoving a gun in my face, stealing all my worldly possessions and giving me a trip to the hospital. “You don’t have to do this,” Kate protests. And Kate didn’t need to give the foreign pregnant girl a lift to the emergency room either, what with the cops hot on her trail, but the past three shows have featured the concept of free will. (Or “Free Willy” if you want to interpret Unborn Aaron’s stuffed whale that way. By the way, you don’t have to interpret it that way, and I wish you didn’t. I just couldn’t stop myself from writing it. It’s a very clever and very stupid pun, and I should be ashamed at myself… and I would be if not for the damned cleverness of it.)

After Jack refuses to give SayMIB the pill, he attempts to swallow it right in front of Dogen, who gives him a number of quick karate chops about the throat and neck, and Jack expels the capsule, which is revealed to be poison. Now come on Jack. You had no reason to distrust these guys in the first place if you really thought they saved Sayid’s life; why do you so suddenly feel that they want to kill him? I’m not following the logic.

When Jack finally asks why they want to poison Sayid, he is informed, Sayid has been “claimed.” He was also notified that the same thing happened to his sister.

Which, correct me if I’m wrong, but does that mean if Dogen and Lennon are good, that Christian and post-explosion Claire were evil. Then again, if Dogen and Lennon are evil, then ipso facto, Christian and post-explosion Claire are the good guys. Again, it’s the last season, and I don’t think they have the time to dick us around too much more. I’m going with the hunch that Dogen and Lennon are good guys. Which means this whole time (as I’ve always said) Ben was also on the good guy’s side… even though he had a strange way of fighting the good fight.

And then to no one’s surprise Claire ends up saving the day by shooting a couple more Others like a sexy, possessed little girl John Wayne.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out dates on prop ultra sounds.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need check out my darkly humorous Valentine’s Day animation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXFMAdCSD-k ) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. Check out some of Joe’s other writing, illustrations, animations, and photography. If he can’t get a blister doing it, Joe does it.

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/

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The Wait is Over

It was a long time coming, but February 2nd finally arrived, and we the audience were treated to genius writing, brilliant acting, breathtaking special effects and plot twists we never saw coming. Of course I’m referring to the latest “Movie Maven — Special LOST episode,” starring the lovely Tara Perry and myself. http://www.mania.com/video_27_4-lost-theories/

Oh Yeah, LOST Was Back Too.

Coincidentally, February 2nd was also the premiere of the sixth and final season of LOST, and that was pretty good too.

I have to admit I do feel a bit intimidated trying to make sense of what we just watched after an 8 month hiatus in which I somehow, for some reason managed to avoid most things LOST. I really didn’t watch any re-reuns, I didn’t even ask for Season 5 for Christmas so there was no long post Christmas weekend of laying in bed with my girlfriend as we caught up on the entire season. I think I’m just saying this because I normally feel I have a strong grasp on what I’ve seen, and what’s coming next, but after last night’s two-hour stake-raising mindfuck, while I’m not quite as confused as Benjamin Linus, I can at least empathize with the poor little bug-eyed guy.

So let’s get to it, shall we (he said with a mixture of both hesitance and desire.)

We opened last night where we ended last season; Juliet, bloodied and near death hammering the detonator with a nearby rock, and finally setting it off the bomb with one last Sheriff Brody-esque “come on you son of a bitch!”

Or did we? It seems to me that the white light we witnessed after the bomb theoretically went off could have only been just a time travel jump, or it could have been the time travel jump plus the explosion, or it could have been just the bomb. And since we can all agree the still island dwelling Losties did experience a time jump (because Jin told us and Miles suggested so) we now have to guess what year we jumped to.

What Juliet Did (or didn’t do)

Whatever Juliet did, or didn’t do when she did what she did seems to have set events in at least one timeline considerably different than the original timeline we have been accustomed to being confused by… now, it seems, we have at least one other entirely different story stream to try to comprehend. As if one alternating flash forwarding and flash backwarding, time-jumping universe wasn’t enough to wrap our minds around.

It could be 2004, but it could also be 2007, or it could be 2010. Whatever did happen, whether it was by Juliet’s hand or not seemed to have a long reaching effect in at least one parallel timeline. (Apparently the producers aren’t comfortable with the word “alternate” when describing the different story streams, so I’ll heed their wishes and go with “parallel” as well.) Personally I’d prefer if the year was 2010, because this way if they ever do decide to revisit the Walt character, even if just in a brief cameo, we’ll all understand why he’s 6 foot four and has three kids of his own now.

Whatever year it is, obviously altered history to the point where Desmond is now an Oceanic passenger, but Shannon, Michael and Walt are not. That means, from my way of thinking, the core group (Jack, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Sayid, Jin, Sun, Charlie, and possibly Boone if we consider him core) could have still met up for the first time on an Oceanic plane from Sydney to L.A. in 2010.

Just from Jack’s hairstyle that makes sense, but also he looks older now than he did in 2004. As does Sawyer, Bernard, Charlie, and especially Kate’s marshal buddy, Eddie Mars. They all look around 6 years older, but maybe I’m just not suspending enough disbelief.

Anyway, we open on Oceanic flight 815 from Sydney to Los Angeles, and things are at once familiar and different. There’s Jack getting a free vodka bottle from the mysterious flight attendant, Cindy Chandler, except this time when the plane bounces around, it’s Rose who comforts Jack, just before she is (kind of) unexpectedly greeted by her lovin’ hubby Bernard from his harrowing experience of making a turbulent number two at 35,000 feet.

I have to say, much like Sun, I was touched by the old person love between these characters. I’d like to think no matter what universe you place Rose and Bernard; their genuine love for each other will always keep them safe from harm. Clearly this will not be case with many of the other passengers.

Mirror Mirror.

One thing that may have gotten lost (pardon the pun) in the two hours of information overload is the (probable) shaving nick on Jack’s neck as he bewilderedly gazed at himself in… THE MIRROR.

Hey I’ve been hawking my mirror theories since Charlie’s left-handed sign of the cross, and later after Ben’s reverse bullet wounds. You think I’m not going to mention a mirror in an episode where we are potentially observing mirror universes? Maybe Other Side of the Mirror Joe wouldn’t mention it, but This Side of the Mirror Joe doesn’t want to stop talking about it.

Ok, enough gazing at my own potential brilliance, and let’s look at Jack’s new airplane neighbor, Desmond — or more specifically, let’s check out what ol’ Des is reading these days. A quick Tivo freeze frame shows us the author is none other than the famed novelist and Muslim target, Slammin’ Salman Rushdie — he of the Satanic Verses controversy. The book in question happens to be a children’s story entitled “Haroun and the Sea of Stories.”

Let’s Let Wiki Do Some Work

I’m just grabbing from Wikipedia, because I’ve never read this book (though now my interest is certainly piqued.)

“The larger part of the plot occurs on a fictional satellite of the Earth’s, named Kahani, whose orbit is controlled by “Processes Too Complicated To Explain”. These processes enable it to fly over every single point on Earth. Kahani itself consists of a massive Ocean which itself is composed of an infinity of stories, each story taking the form of a current or stream of a unique color. The colors, therefore, encompass the whole visible spectrum and extend beyond into spectra that are not known to exist. Various islands and a continent are also shown on the moon. The name “Kahani” itself means “Story” in Urdu and Hindi, and is ultimately revealed to be the name of the sad city; a revelation that removes the sadness from the city’s people.”

Earth One, Earth Two, Earth Infinity

Multiple story streams. Well that explains everything and nothing at once, but allow me to use this Ocean(ianic) segway to delve into what’s at rest below the Pacific…. Why it’s the island, Dharma logo sharks and all.

So now we know we have at least two distinct possible timelines. That or it’s still possible that the Oceanic flight that lands safely is actually a flashforward from the island dwelling reality. Would it be interesting or unsatisfying if plane landing we saw last night happened in the future for the island bound Losties? (I say the middle, because we’d still have to pay off Kate’s escape and her fateful meeting with the pregnant or not pregnant Claire.)

Holy Haroun! I’ve already written more than two word doc pages, and I really haven’t even discussed Jacob vs. the Man in Black — and let’s be serious, this is after all, and has always been their show. Jack, Kate, Ben, Locke, Sawyer et al, are really just extras.

Let me write up a few important details from last night so we can discuss them in the comment boxes below, before we move on to the real stars of the night.

Talking Points

– Kate lifts Jack’s pen in her brief bathroom encounter. Uses it later to escape from the always escapable Eddie Mars. Man, even in a quick meeting in another plane of existence Kate uses Jack for her own needs.

– Arzt can’t get over how weird it is that the owner of the Mr. Cluck’s Chicken franchise sits in the back with the rest of the schlubs. Meanwhile I can’t get over how roomy Oceaniac’s coach seating is. Hurley is huge, but he seems more than comfortable. If it weren’t for their well-deserved reputation for losing passengers on mysterious islands, I’d consider Oceanic for my own air travel needs.

– This version of Hurley (the “Mirror” version, screams This Side of the Mirror Joe) proclaims himself to be the luckiest guy alive. Quite a difference from the wealthy but tortured Hugo Reyes who in another world went to Australia to figure out why those damned numbers kept popping up in his life. This leads us to wonder, did Hurley play the same numbers to win the lottery?

– Sun and Jin: It’s hard to tell if these two are a happily married couple in this universe. My guess is no. My guess is Sun really thought about abandoning her controlling husband at the airport just as she did in Season One, and she did cheat on him, and she does speak English, despite of what she told airport security. The real question for them becomes, will they ever find the happily ever after that seems to await Rose and Bernard at every turn, or because of Jin’s inability to have children, will Korea’s sweethearts never have the chance to rediscover their love.

– How ‘bout that Frogurt, huh? I really don’t even remember why we all call him Frogurt, but glad to see whatever world he’s in, the guy is always a low-level prick.

– Charlie. He is not happy to be alive in this other place. He died a hero’s death, and atoned for his sins, now he’s just a washed up ex rock star with a mountain of remorse and a serious horse problem. Love his lines; “Am I alive?” and “I was supposed to die.”

– Sawyer and Juliet: Man, Josh Holloway ripped my heart out again. That guy plays agonized lover as well as anyone. I was really hoping for Juliet to get better, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen even if she didn’t already have the starring role in “V.”

– Sawyer thinks it’s Jack’s fault and wants to kill him, but given time Sawyer realizes he’s just as culpable as Jack by allowing Jack to make the decision to explode the bomb in the first place. Sawyer showed what a hero he was back in the glory days of the 70’s. All of his plans worked out back then. The guy is a born leader who got dealt a shitty deck as a boy, and made all of his bad career choices while he was an inconsolable grieving 8-year old child. Let’s cut a murdering conman some slack.

– Poor Jack. Wow, never thought I’d actually write that and feel it at the same time, but speaking of the “same time,” poor Jack has managed to get blamed for dooming the life of one person in one timeline (Juliet) while simultaneously getting blamed for rescuing another person in a different timeline (Charlie.)

– So if Charlie really died in the original timeline we’re all familiar with, but was also able to physically strike Hurley at the Santa Rosa Looney Bin after he drowned, is it possible that this very much alive parallel Charlie is actually the guy who dropped the smackdown on our favorite mental patient last season? That said, will these two worlds, eventually collide at some point during this season? Smart money says yes. Place your bets in the comment boxes below.

– Speaking of smackdowns, did FLocke, aka the Man in Black, aka The Smoke Monster lay down a beating on Bram and the rest of Jacob’s bodyguards or what? I haven’t seen that much skull clunking since Moe in a recent Three Stooges marathon. Loved that Bram thought that silly ash was going to protect him. It seems the ash does have a function, but it’s hardly a foolproof fail safe.

– How ‘bout that Boone? Nice to see Boonie again. I was never a big fan of the pussy-whipped brother/lover, but I’m just happy that he didn’t have to spend a day on the set of that lame ass Vampire Diaries show. So was Locke actually “pulling Boone’s leg?” Did the walkless Locke somehow go on his walkabout in this other life? Or was he just too ashamed of his handicap that he couldn’t bring himself to tell Boone the truth?

– Does Safe Landing Rose still have cancer? If Safe Landing Locke is still wheelchair bound, maybe Rose still has cancer. Then again, if time was reset back in 1977, maybe Rose never smoked, or inhaled asbestos, or hung out at a wi-fi infested Starbucks, and in turn, never was claimed by the deadly disease.

– Red shirts. Yeah, we all know Juliet wore a red shirt in last season’s finale and look where it got her. This saddens me to type it, but everyone’s favorite bit of comedy relief, Hurley, was wearing a red shirt, albeit a red shirt that would have covered up a half a dozen or so Juliet’s. Does this fashion choice foretell Hurley’s inevitable fate as one of the next casualties of the island, or will the “luckiest guy alive” (even though that’s what the other Hurley claims) be able to avoid certain crimson-clothed death?

– Bitter adversaries in one life, possible lifelong friends in another; I’m hoping Jack cures Locke’s disability and the two go on to have a mutually respectful relationship. We’ve always seen them as two sides of the same coin, but we’ve also always suspected they might enjoy each other’s company if both weren’t busy clashing over which way is right while so much was hanging in the balance. I enjoyed Locke soothing of Jack’s troubled soul with talk of Christian’s own immortal soul being now safe from mortal interference.

– Why did Marshal Ed let Kate have a potty break. I wonder if there’s a single universe in all the infinite story streams where Ed doesn’t wind up getting owned by Kate. Seriously Ed, maybe you should have just let the girl mess herself. I guess the only problem with that is on one of the myriad of timelines Kate probably beats up Marshal Ed with her own soiled panties Perhaps a delight for some of the readers on this site, but I’ll take a pass on that particular fetish.

– Jack presents his card to Locke and offers him a free consultation. The hospital Jack works at is St. Sebastian. St. Sebastian is a martyred saint and perhaps best known in religious paintings as that guy who is also shown tied up with arrows piercing him. By the way, he died twice.

– Sawyer doesn’t seem all that “conny” to me on the Safe Landing Universe. He could have been sizing Hurley up for a long con after the mention of his lottery winnings, but I’d prefer to think that this particular version of the hero/anti-hero never had to take up the nom de plume, “Sawyer,” because in this separate reality, his parents never got scammed. He has been and will always be “James Ford.” Sure he’s a bit of a harmless flirt, but ol’ charming Jimmy Ford had some business down under, but he’s flying back to be with the love of his life, his darling wife, Juliet. (I really like this idea.)

– Boy that Jacob loves to write lists. I guess he’s just old school…. Thousands of years old school, because everyone else nowadays emails their lists. Nice to see the ankh was just a Trojan horse inside the Trojan guitar case. (And conversely too bad Charlie swallowed Trojans filled with heroin.)

– Who’s Jin delivering this watch to, and could there be a more obvious metaphor for time?

– Sayid seems pretty happy to get off that plane in Safe Landing Universe. I’m pretty sure he’s dead in Island Bound World.

Lets’s Hear it For the Stars of Our Show…

And now ladies and gentlemen, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for the stars of the show. Allow me to introduce a man who bears a striking resemblance to a certain bald, sad, pathetic, confused and deceased former island-communing hero, and now a lifeless corpse. He’s vengeful, he’s powerful, and he’s got Ben Linus shitting enough bricks to build another temple, he’s the man without a name….. The Smoke Monster, aka the Man in Black.

Our next guest hardly needs any introduction. He’s dead, and yet he’s not. Outwardly he’s a peaceful fisherman, but below the surface he has a few secrets. He wears a lot of white, and seems like a very nice guy, except when the storytellers want to confuse us, and then he appears capable of very bad things. Here he is, the one and only Jacob…. Jacob and Smokey ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jacob and Smokey.

First of all, I have to remind everyone here that we still can’t automatically assume that Jacob is good and Smokey is evil, or even vice versa. I believe we’re talking about a more nuanced idea than simple plain good and evil, and with that said, man I just want Jacob to be good. At this point I want to know whom I’m supposed to be rooting for. I know it seems obvious, but these brilliant little fuckers love to mess with us, and I refuse to believe anything until it’s proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt at the base of an ancient statue.

O’Quinn. Oh Yeah.

Hard to believe it has taken this long to mention this, but Sweet Baby Aaron, how freaking good was Terry O’Quinn in his dual role as the frustrated and raging demigod and the insecure and damaged human? Terry O’Quinn won’t need Jacob to include his name on any lists after this show runs it’s course, O’Quinn is going to be writing his own ticket in Hollywood for years to come.

Here’s another two-word phrase I never expected to string together, but, poor Ben. That guy hasn’t had many breaks his whole life. Mom dies giving birth to him, dad resents him for the death. Moves to an island as a young boy, takes a bullet in the heart, or in the exact opposite side of his heart, depending on the week, commits genocide on a small neighborhood, and personally murders his own father, and now it looks like he’s been reduced from detested leader of the Jacob-loving Others to Smokey’s frightened lackey. And yikes did he bitchslap Richard! Chains? Slave ship? Egyptian slave… how old is this Richard anyway?

And where is Jacob all this time? When last we saw him, he was dead and chatting it up with Hurley and informing the always rotund but recently turned man of action to bring Sayid to the Temple. (Which reminded me a whole lot of the Planet of the Apes — the set, the clothing, the background music.)

I Hope This Nickname Sticks

Here at the Temple we get to meet the Other Others. The ones who likely healed and forever changed young Ben Linus. Into what, we’re not sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion along with many of you, that after retrieving Sayid’s lifeless corpse from the healing/drowning/healing waters of the murky and malfunctioning water of life like Jesus removed from the cross, the man that rose from the dead was not completely Sayid and not completely Jacob. Let’s, for the simple sake of article writing call him, Saycob. (Because I prefer that to Jacyid.)

Will Saycob, with the help of the others, and the Other Others be enough to eventually take down the ostensibly all-powerful Man in Black? Only time(lines) will tell.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out Dharma logos on cheesy yet cool underwater CG graphics.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need to Google the philosophical works of Soren Kierkegaard. Seriously, Google Fear and Trembling. It’ll help you out if you’re trying to solve this mystery.) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. If you have some time and a love of one-man produced animation, please check out some of Joe’s own animated shorts.

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/animation/

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The Wait is Over

It was a long time coming, but February 2nd finally arrived, and we the audience were treated to genius writing, brilliant acting, breathtaking special effects and plot twists we never saw coming. Of course I’m referring to the latest “Movie Maven — Special LOST episode,” starring the lovely Tara Perry and myself. http://www.mania.com/video_27_4-lost-theories/

Here are a few emailed thoughts from Ms. Perry:

“ …good to see Sawyer/Jack hatred again. But so help me god if they force another love triangle between Jack/Kate/Sawyer again so soon after Juliet I will hurt somebody.”

“I wish Juliet and Sawyer could have had a little more time. Their goodbye seemed rushed.”

AND… “I liked the “sliding doors” flash sideways. I mean we did flash forwards, and flashbacks, I mean the next logical one was flash sideways. Right!?”

Oh Yeah, LOST Was Back Too.

Coincidentally, February 2nd was also the premiere of the sixth and final season of LOST, and that was pretty good too.

I have to admit I do feel a bit intimidated trying to make sense of what we just watched after an 8 month hiatus in which I somehow, for some reason managed to avoid most things LOST. I really didn’t watch any re-reuns, I didn’t even ask for Season 5 for Christmas so there was no long post Christmas weekend of laying in bed with my girlfriend as we caught up on the entire season. I think I’m just saying this because I normally feel I have a strong grasp on what I’ve seen, and what’s coming next, but after last night’s two-hour stake-raising mindfuck, while I’m not quite as confused as Benjamin Linus, I can at least empathize with the poor little bug-eyed guy.

So let’s get to it, shall we (he said with a mixture of both hesitance and desire.)

We opened last night where we ended last season; Juliet, bloodied and near death hammering the detonator with a nearby rock, and finally setting it off the bomb with one last Sheriff Brody-esque “come on you son of a bitch!”

Or did we? It seems to me that the white light we witnessed after the bomb theoretically went off could have only been just a time travel jump, or it could have been the time travel jump plus the explosion, or it could have been just the bomb. And since we can all agree the still island dwelling Losties did experience a time jump (because Jin told us and Miles suggested so) we now have to guess what year we jumped to.

What Juliet Did (or didn’t do)

Whatever Juliet did, or didn’t do when she did what she did seems to have set events in at least one timeline considerably different than the original timeline we have been accustomed to being confused by… now, it seems, we have at least one other entirely different story stream to try to comprehend. As if one alternating flash forwarding and flash backwarding, time-jumping universe wasn’t enough to wrap our minds around.

It could be 2004, but it could also be 2007, or it could be 2010. Whatever did happen, whether it was by Juliet’s hand or not seemed to have a long reaching effect in at least one parallel timeline. (Apparently the producers aren’t comfortable with the word “alternate” when describing the different story streams, so I’ll heed their wishes and go with “parallel” as well.) Personally I’d prefer if the year was 2010, because this way if they ever do decide to revisit the Walt character, even if just in a brief cameo, we’ll all understand why he’s 6 foot four and has three kids of his own now.

Whatever year it is, obviously altered history to the point where Desmond is now an Oceanic passenger, but Shannon, Michael and Walt are not. That means, from my way of thinking, the core group (Jack, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Sayid, Jin, Sun, Charlie, and possibly Boone if we consider him core) could have still met up for the first time on an Oceanic plane from Sydney to L.A. in 2010.

Just from Jack’s hairstyle that makes sense, but also he looks older now than he did in 2004. As does Sawyer, Bernard, Charlie, and especially Kate’s marshal buddy, Eddie Mars. They all look around 6 years older, but maybe I’m just not suspending enough disbelief.

Anyway, we open on Oceanic flight 815 from Sydney to Los Angeles, and things are at once familiar and different. There’s Jack getting a free vodka bottle from the mysterious flight attendant, Cindy Chandler, except this time when the plane bounces around, it’s Rose who comforts Jack, just before she is (kind of) unexpectedly greeted by her lovin’ hubby Bernard from his harrowing experience of making a turbulent number two at 35,000 feet.

I have to say, much like Sun, I was touched by the old person love between these characters. I’d like to think no matter what universe you place Rose and Bernard; their genuine love for each other will always keep them safe from harm. Clearly this will not be case with many of the other passengers.

Mirror Mirror.

One thing that may have gotten lost (pardon the pun) in the two hours of information overload is the (probable) shaving nick on Jack’s neck as he bewilderedly gazed at himself in… THE MIRROR.

Hey I’ve been hawking my mirror theories since Charlie’s left-handed sign of the cross, and later after Ben’s reverse bullet wounds. You think I’m not going to mention a mirror in an episode where we are potentially observing mirror universes? Maybe Other Side of the Mirror Joe wouldn’t mention it, but This Side of the Mirror Joe doesn’t want to stop talking about it.

Ok, enough gazing at my own potential brilliance, and let’s look at Jack’s new airplane neighbor, Desmond — or more specifically, let’s check out what ol’ Des is reading these days. A quick Tivo freeze frame shows us the author is none other than the famed novelist and Muslim target, Slammin’ Salman Rushdie — he of the Satanic Verses controversy. The book in question happens to be a children’s story entitled “Haroun and the Sea of Stories.”

Let’s Let Wiki Do Some Work

I’m just grabbing from Wikipedia, because I’ve never read this book (though now my interest is certainly piqued.)

“The larger part of the plot occurs on a fictional satellite of the Earth’s, named Kahani, whose orbit is controlled by “Processes Too Complicated To Explain”. These processes enable it to fly over every single point on Earth. Kahani itself consists of a massive Ocean which itself is composed of an infinity of stories, each story taking the form of a current or stream of a unique color. The colors, therefore, encompass the whole visible spectrum and extend beyond into spectra that are not known to exist. Various islands and a continent are also shown on the moon. The name “Kahani” itself means “Story” in Urdu and Hindi, and is ultimately revealed to be the name of the sad city; a revelation that removes the sadness from the city’s people.”

Earth One, Earth Two, Earth Infinity

Multiple story streams. Well that explains everything and nothing at once, but allow me to use this Ocean(ianic) segway to delve into what’s at rest below the Pacific…. Why it’s the island, Dharma logo sharks and all.

So now we know we have at least two distinct possible timelines. That or it’s still possible that the Oceanic flight that lands safely is actually a flashforward from the island dwelling reality. Would it be interesting or unsatisfying if plane landing we saw last night happened in the future for the island bound Losties? (I say the middle, because we’d still have to pay off Kate’s escape and her fateful meeting with the pregnant or not pregnant Claire.)

Holy Haroun! I’ve already written more than two word doc pages, and I really haven’t even discussed Jacob vs. the Man in Black — and let’s be serious, this is after all, and has always been their show. Jack, Kate, Ben, Locke, Sawyer et al, are really just extras.

Let me write up a few important details from last night so we can discuss them in the comment boxes below, before we move on to the real stars of the night.

Talking Points

– Kate lifts Jack’s pen in her brief bathroom encounter. Uses it later to escape from the always escapable Eddie Mars. Man, even in a quick meeting in another plane of existence Kate uses Jack for her own needs.

– Arzt can’t get over how weird it is that the owner of the Mr. Cluck’s Chicken franchise sits in the back with the rest of the schlubs. Meanwhile I can’t get over how roomy Oceaniac’s coach seating is. Hurley is huge, but he seems more than comfortable. If it weren’t for their well-deserved reputation for losing passengers on mysterious islands, I’d consider Oceanic for my own air travel needs.

– This version of Hurley (the “Mirror” version, screams This Side of the Mirror Joe) proclaims himself to be the luckiest guy alive. Quite a difference from the wealthy but tortured Hugo Reyes who in another world went to Australia to figure out why those damned numbers kept popping up in his life. This leads us to wonder, did Hurley play the same numbers to win the lottery?

– Sun and Jin: It’s hard to tell if these two are a happily married couple in this universe. My guess is no. My guess is Sun really thought about abandoning her controlling husband at the airport just as she did in Season One, and she did cheat on him, and she does speak English, despite of what she told airport security. The real question for them becomes, will they ever find the happily ever after that seems to await Rose and Bernard at every turn, or because of Jin’s inability to have children, will Korea’s sweethearts never have the chance to rediscover their love.

– How ‘bout that Frogurt, huh? I really don’t even remember why we all call him Frogurt, but glad to see whatever world he’s in, the guy is always a low-level prick.

– Charlie. He is not happy to be alive in this other place. He died a hero’s death, and atoned for his sins, now he’s just a washed up ex rock star with a mountain of remorse and a serious horse problem. Love his lines; “Am I alive?” and “I was supposed to die.”

– Sawyer and Juliet: Man, Josh Holloway ripped my heart out again. That guy plays agonized lover as well as anyone. I was really hoping for Juliet to get better, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen even if she didn’t already have the starring role in “V.”

– Sawyer thinks it’s Jack’s fault and wants to kill him, but given time Sawyer realizes he’s just as culpable as Jack by allowing Jack to make the decision to explode the bomb in the first place. Sawyer showed what a hero he was back in the glory days of the 70’s. All of his plans worked out back then. The guy is a born leader who got dealt a shitty deck as a boy, and made all of his bad career choices while he was an inconsolable grieving 8-year old child. Let’s cut a murdering conman some slack.

– Poor Jack. Wow, never thought I’d actually write that and feel it at the same time, but speaking of the “same time,” poor Jack has managed to get blamed for dooming the life of one person in one timeline (Juliet) while simultaneously getting blamed for rescuing another person in a different timeline (Charlie.)

– So if Charlie really died in the original timeline we’re all familiar with, but was also able to physically strike Hurley at the Santa Rosa Looney Bin after he drowned, is it possible that this very much alive parallel Charlie is actually the guy who dropped the smackdown on our favorite mental patient last season? That said, will these two worlds, eventually collide at some point during this season? Smart money says yes. Place your bets in the comment boxes below.

– Speaking of smackdowns, did FLocke, aka the Man in Black, aka The Smoke Monster lay down a beating on Bram and the rest of Jacob’s bodyguards or what? I haven’t seen that much skull clunking since Moe in a recent Three Stooges marathon. Loved that Bram thought that silly ash was going to protect him. It seems the ash does have a function, but it’s hardly a foolproof fail safe.

– How ‘bout that Boone? Nice to see Boonie again. I was never a big fan of the pussy-whipped brother/lover, but I’m just happy that he didn’t have to spend a day on the set of that lame ass Vampire Diaries show. So was Locke actually “pulling Boone’s leg?” Did the walkless Locke somehow go on his walkabout in this other life? Or was he just too ashamed of his handicap that he couldn’t bring himself to tell Boone the truth?

– Does Safe Landing Rose still have cancer? If Safe Landing Locke is still wheelchair bound, maybe Rose still has cancer. Then again, if time was reset back in 1977, maybe Rose never smoked, or inhaled asbestos, or hung out at a wi-fi infested Starbucks, and in turn, never was claimed by the deadly disease.

– Red shirts. Yeah, we all know Juliet wore a red shirt in last season’s finale and look where it got her. This saddens me to type it, but everyone’s favorite bit of comedy relief, Hurley, was wearing a red shirt, albeit a red shirt that would have covered up a half a dozen or so Juliet’s. Does this fashion choice foretell Hurley’s inevitable fate as one of the next casualties of the island, or will the “luckiest guy alive” (even though that’s what the other Hurley claims) be able to avoid certain crimson-clothed death?

– Bitter adversaries in one life, possible lifelong friends in another; I’m hoping Jack cures Locke’s disability and the two go on to have a mutually respectful relationship. We’ve always seen them as two sides of the same coin, but we’ve also always suspected they might enjoy each other’s company if both weren’t busy clashing over which way is right while so much was hanging in the balance. I enjoyed Locke soothing of Jack’s troubled soul with talk of Christian’s own immortal soul being now safe from mortal interference.

– Why did Marshal Ed let Kate have a potty break. I wonder if there’s a single universe in all the infinite story streams where Ed doesn’t wind up getting owned by Kate. Seriously Ed, maybe you should have just let the girl mess herself. I guess the only problem with that is on one of the myriad of timelines Kate probably beats up Marshal Ed with her own soiled panties Perhaps a delight for some of the readers on this site, but I’ll take a pass on that particular fetish.

– Jack presents his card to Locke and offers him a free consultation. The hospital Jack works at is St. Sebastian. St. Sebastian is a martyred saint and perhaps best known in religious paintings as that guy who is also shown tied up with arrows piercing him. By the way, he died twice.

– Sawyer doesn’t seem all that “conny” to me on the Safe Landing Universe. He could have been sizing Hurley up for a long con after the mention of his lottery winnings, but I’d prefer to think that this particular version of the hero/anti-hero never had to take up the nom de plume, “Sawyer,” because in this separate reality, his parents never got scammed. He has been and will always be “James Ford.” Sure he’s a bit of a harmless flirt, but ol’ charming Jimmy Ford had some business down under, but he’s flying back to be with the love of his life, his darling wife, Juliet. (I really like this idea.)

– Boy that Jacob loves to write lists. I guess he’s just old school…. Thousands of years old school, because everyone else nowadays emails their lists. Nice to see the ankh was just a Trojan horse inside the Trojan guitar case. (And conversely too bad Charlie swallowed Trojans filled with heroin.)

– Who’s Jin delivering this watch to, and could there be a more obvious metaphor for time?

– Sayid seems pretty happy to get off that plane in Safe Landing Universe. I’m pretty sure he’s dead in Island Bound World.

Lets’s Hear it For the Stars of Our Show…

And now ladies and gentlemen, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for the stars of the show. Allow me to introduce a man who bears a striking resemblance to a certain bald, sad, pathetic, confused and deceased former island-communing hero, and now a lifeless corpse. He’s vengeful, he’s powerful, and he’s got Ben Linus shitting enough bricks to build another temple, he’s the man without a name….. The Smoke Monster, aka the Man in Black.

Our next guest hardly needs any introduction. He’s dead, and yet he’s not. Outwardly he’s a peaceful fisherman, but below the surface he has a few secrets. He wears a lot of white, and seems like a very nice guy, except when the storytellers want to confuse us, and then he appears capable of very bad things. Here he is, the one and only Jacob…. Jacob and Smokey ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jacob and Smokey.

First of all, I have to remind everyone here that we still can’t automatically assume that Jacob is good and Smokey is evil, or even vice versa. I believe we’re talking about a more nuanced idea than simple plain good and evil, and with that said, man I just want Jacob to be good. At this point I want to know whom I’m supposed to be rooting for. I know it seems obvious, but these brilliant little fuckers love to mess with us, and I refuse to believe anything until it’s proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt at the base of an ancient statue.

O’Quinn. Oh Yeah.

Hard to believe it has taken this long to mention this, but Sweet Baby Aaron, how freaking good was Terry O’Quinn in his dual role as the frustrated and raging demigod and the insecure and damaged human? Terry O’Quinn won’t need Jacob to include his name on any lists after this show runs it’s course, O’Quinn is going to be writing his own ticket in Hollywood for years to come.

Here’s another two-word phrase I never expected to string together, but, poor Ben. That guy hasn’t had many breaks his whole life. Mom dies giving birth to him, dad resents him for the death. Moves to an island as a young boy, takes a bullet in the heart, or in the exact opposite side of his heart, depending on the week, commits genocide on a small neighborhood, and personally murders his own father, and now it looks like he’s been reduced from detested leader of the Jacob-loving Others to Smokey’s frightened lackey. And yikes did he bitchslap Richard! Chains? Slave ship? Egyptian slave… how old is this Richard anyway?

And where is Jacob all this time? When last we saw him, he was dead and chatting it up with Hurley and informing the always rotund but recently turned man of action to bring Sayid to the Temple. (Which reminded me a whole lot of the Planet of the Apes — the set, the clothing, the background music.)

I Hope This Nickname Sticks

Here at the Temple we get to meet the Other Others. The ones who likely healed and forever changed young Ben Linus. Into what, we’re not sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion along with many of you, that after retrieving Sayid’s lifeless corpse from the healing/drowning/healing waters of the murky and malfunctioning water of life like Jesus removed from the cross, the man that rose from the dead was not completely Sayid and not completely Jacob. Let’s, for the simple sake of article writing call him, Saycob. (Because I prefer that to Jacyid.)

Will Saycob, with the help of the others, and the Other Others be enough to eventually take down the ostensibly all-powerful Man in Black? Only time(lines) will tell.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out Dharma logos on cheesy yet cool underwater CG graphics.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need to Google the philosophical works of Soren Kierkegaard. Seriously, Google Fear and Trembling. It’ll help you out if you’re trying to solve this mystery.) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. If you have some time and a love of one-man produced animation, please check out some of Joe’s own animated shorts.

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/animation/

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The Wait is Over

It was a long time coming, but February 2nd finally arrived, and we the audience were treated to genius writing, brilliant acting, breathtaking special effects and plot twists we never saw coming. Of course I’m referring to the latest “Movie Maven — Special LOST episode,” starring the lovely Tara Perry and myself. http://www.mania.com/video_27_4-lost-theories/

Here are a few emailed thoughts from Ms. Perry:

“ …good to see Sawyer/Jack hatred again. But so help me god if they force another love triangle between Jack/Kate/Sawyer again so soon after Juliet I will hurt somebody.”

“I wish Juliet and Sawyer could have had a little more time. Their goodbye seemed rushed.”

AND… “I liked the “sliding doors” flash sideways. I mean we did flash forwards, and flashbacks, I mean the next logical one was flash sideways. Right!?”

Oh Yeah, LOST Was Back Too.

Coincidentally, February 2nd was also the premiere of the sixth and final season of LOST, and that was pretty good too.

I have to admit I do feel a bit intimidated trying to make sense of what we just watched after an 8 month hiatus in which I somehow, for some reason managed to avoid most things LOST. I really didn’t watch any re-reuns, I didn’t even ask for Season 5 for Christmas so there was no long post Christmas weekend of laying in bed with my girlfriend as we caught up on the entire season. I think I’m just saying this because I normally feel I have a strong grasp on what I’ve seen, and what’s coming next, but after last night’s two-hour stake-raising mindfuck, while I’m not quite as confused as Benjamin Linus, I can at least empathize with the poor little bug-eyed guy.

So let’s get to it, shall we (he said with a mixture of both hesitance and desire.)

We opened last night where we ended last season; Juliet, bloodied and near death hammering the detonator with a nearby rock, and finally setting it off the bomb with one last Sheriff Brody-esque “come on you son of a bitch!”

Or did we? It seems to me that the white light we witnessed after the bomb theoretically went off could have only been just a time travel jump, or it could have been the time travel jump plus the explosion, or it could have been just the bomb. And since we can all agree the still island dwelling Losties did experience a time jump (because Jin told us and Miles suggested so) we now have to guess what year we jumped to.

What Juliet Did (or didn’t do)

Whatever Juliet did, or didn’t do when she did what she did seems to have set events in at least one timeline considerably different than the original timeline we have been accustomed to being confused by… now, it seems, we have at least one other entirely different story stream to try to comprehend. As if one alternating flash forwarding and flash backwarding, time-jumping universe wasn’t enough to wrap our minds around.

It could be 2004, but it could also be 2007, or it could be 2010. Whatever did happen, whether it was by Juliet’s hand or not seemed to have a long reaching effect in at least one parallel timeline. (Apparently the producers aren’t comfortable with the word “alternate” when describing the different story streams, so I’ll heed their wishes and go with “parallel” as well.) Personally I’d prefer if the year was 2010, because this way if they ever do decide to revisit the Walt character, even if just in a brief cameo, we’ll all understand why he’s 6 foot four and has three kids of his own now.

Whatever year it is, obviously altered history to the point where Desmond is now an Oceanic passenger, but Shannon, Michael and Walt are not. That means, from my way of thinking, the core group (Jack, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Sayid, Jin, Sun, Charlie, and possibly Boone if we consider him core) could have still met up for the first time on an Oceanic plane from Sydney to L.A. in 2010.

Just from Jack’s hairstyle that makes sense, but also he looks older now than he did in 2004. As does Sawyer, Bernard, Charlie, and especially Kate’s marshal buddy, Eddie Mars. They all look around 6 years older, but maybe I’m just not suspending enough disbelief.

Anyway, we open on Oceanic flight 815 from Sydney to Los Angeles, and things are at once familiar and different. There’s Jack getting a free vodka bottle from the mysterious flight attendant, Cindy Chandler, except this time when the plane bounces around, it’s Rose who comforts Jack, just before she is (kind of) unexpectedly greeted by her lovin’ hubby Bernard from his harrowing experience of making a turbulent number two at 35,000 feet.

I have to say, much like Sun, I was touched by the old person love between these characters. I’d like to think no matter what universe you place Rose and Bernard; their genuine love for each other will always keep them safe from harm. Clearly this will not be case with many of the other passengers.

Mirror Mirror.

One thing that may have gotten lost (pardon the pun) in the two hours of information overload is the (probable) shaving nick on Jack’s neck as he bewilderedly gazed at himself in… THE MIRROR.

Hey I’ve been hawking my mirror theories since Charlie’s left-handed sign of the cross, and later after Ben’s reverse bullet wounds. You think I’m not going to mention a mirror in an episode where we are potentially observing mirror universes? Maybe Other Side of the Mirror Joe wouldn’t mention it, but This Side of the Mirror Joe doesn’t want to stop talking about it.

Ok, enough gazing at my own potential brilliance, and let’s look at Jack’s new airplane neighbor, Desmond — or more specifically, let’s check out what ol’ Des is reading these days. A quick Tivo freeze frame shows us the author is none other than the famed novelist and Muslim target, Slammin’ Salman Rushdie — he of the Satanic Verses controversy. The book in question happens to be a children’s story entitled “Haroun and the Sea of Stories.”

Let’s Let Wiki Do Some Work

I’m just grabbing from Wikipedia, because I’ve never read this book (though now my interest is certainly piqued.)

“The larger part of the plot occurs on a fictional satellite of the Earth’s, named Kahani, whose orbit is controlled by “Processes Too Complicated To Explain”. These processes enable it to fly over every single point on Earth. Kahani itself consists of a massive Ocean which itself is composed of an infinity of stories, each story taking the form of a current or stream of a unique color. The colors, therefore, encompass the whole visible spectrum and extend beyond into spectra that are not known to exist. Various islands and a continent are also shown on the moon. The name “Kahani” itself means “Story” in Urdu and Hindi, and is ultimately revealed to be the name of the sad city; a revelation that removes the sadness from the city’s people.”

Earth One, Earth Two, Earth Infinity

Multiple story streams. Well that explains everything and nothing at once, but allow me to use this Ocean(ianic) segway to delve into what’s at rest below the Pacific…. Why it’s the island, Dharma logo sharks and all.

So now we know we have at least two distinct possible timelines. That or it’s still possible that the Oceanic flight that lands safely is actually a flashforward from the island dwelling reality. Would it be interesting or unsatisfying if plane landing we saw last night happened in the future for the island bound Losties? (I say the middle, because we’d still have to pay off Kate’s escape and her fateful meeting with the pregnant or not pregnant Claire.)

Holy Haroun! I’ve already written more than two word doc pages, and I really haven’t even discussed Jacob vs. the Man in Black — and let’s be serious, this is after all, and has always been their show. Jack, Kate, Ben, Locke, Sawyer et al, are really just extras.

Let me write up a few important details from last night so we can discuss them in the comment boxes below, before we move on to the real stars of the night.

Talking Points

– Kate lifts Jack’s pen in her brief bathroom encounter. Uses it later to escape from the always escapable Eddie Mars. Man, even in a quick meeting in another plane of existence Kate uses Jack for her own needs.

– Arzt can’t get over how weird it is that the owner of the Mr. Cluck’s Chicken franchise sits in the back with the rest of the schlubs. Meanwhile I can’t get over how roomy Oceaniac’s coach seating is. Hurley is huge, but he seems more than comfortable. If it weren’t for their well-deserved reputation for losing passengers on mysterious islands, I’d consider Oceanic for my own air travel needs.

– This version of Hurley (the “Mirror” version, screams This Side of the Mirror Joe) proclaims himself to be the luckiest guy alive. Quite a difference from the wealthy but tortured Hugo Reyes who in another world went to Australia to figure out why those damned numbers kept popping up in his life. This leads us to wonder, did Hurley play the same numbers to win the lottery?

– Sun and Jin: It’s hard to tell if these two are a happily married couple in this universe. My guess is no. My guess is Sun really thought about abandoning her controlling husband at the airport just as she did in Season One, and she did cheat on him, and she does speak English, despite of what she told airport security. The real question for them becomes, will they ever find the happily ever after that seems to await Rose and Bernard at every turn, or because of Jin’s inability to have children, will Korea’s sweethearts never have the chance to rediscover their love.

– How ‘bout that Frogurt, huh? I really don’t even remember why we all call him Frogurt, but glad to see whatever world he’s in, the guy is always a low-level prick.

– Charlie. He is not happy to be alive in this other place. He died a hero’s death, and atoned for his sins, now he’s just a washed up ex rock star with a mountain of remorse and a serious horse problem. Love his lines; “Am I alive?” and “I was supposed to die.”

– Sawyer and Juliet: Man, Josh Holloway ripped my heart out again. That guy plays agonized lover as well as anyone. I was really hoping for Juliet to get better, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen even if she didn’t already have the starring role in “V.”

– Sawyer thinks it’s Jack’s fault and wants to kill him, but given time Sawyer realizes he’s just as culpable as Jack by allowing Jack to make the decision to explode the bomb in the first place. Sawyer showed what a hero he was back in the glory days of the 70’s. All of his plans worked out back then. The guy is a born leader who got dealt a shitty deck as a boy, and made all of his bad career choices while he was an inconsolable grieving 8-year old child. Let’s cut a murdering conman some slack.

– Poor Jack. Wow, never thought I’d actually write that and feel it at the same time, but speaking of the “same time,” poor Jack has managed to get blamed for dooming the life of one person in one timeline (Juliet) while simultaneously getting blamed for rescuing another person in a different timeline (Charlie.)

– So if Charlie really died in the original timeline we’re all familiar with, but was also able to physically strike Hurley at the Santa Rosa Looney Bin after he drowned, is it possible that this very much alive parallel Charlie is actually the guy who dropped the smackdown on our favorite mental patient last season? That said, will these two worlds, eventually collide at some point during this season? Smart money says yes. Place your bets in the comment boxes below.

– Speaking of smackdowns, did FLocke, aka the Man in Black, aka The Smoke Monster lay down a beating on Bram and the rest of Jacob’s bodyguards or what? I haven’t seen that much skull clunking since Moe in a recent Three Stooges marathon. Loved that Bram thought that silly ash was going to protect him. It seems the ash does have a function, but it’s hardly a foolproof fail safe.

– How ‘bout that Boone? Nice to see Boonie again. I was never a big fan of the pussy-whipped brother/lover, but I’m just happy that he didn’t have to spend a day on the set of that lame ass Vampire Diaries show. So was Locke actually “pulling Boone’s leg?” Did the walkless Locke somehow go on his walkabout in this other life? Or was he just too ashamed of his handicap that he couldn’t bring himself to tell Boone the truth?

– Does Safe Landing Rose still have cancer? If Safe Landing Locke is still wheelchair bound, maybe Rose still has cancer. Then again, if time was reset back in 1977, maybe Rose never smoked, or inhaled asbestos, or hung out at a wi-fi infested Starbucks, and in turn, never was claimed by the deadly disease.

– Red shirts. Yeah, we all know Juliet wore a red shirt in last season’s finale and look where it got her. This saddens me to type it, but everyone’s favorite bit of comedy relief, Hurley, was wearing a red shirt, albeit a red shirt that would have covered up a half a dozen or so Juliet’s. Does this fashion choice foretell Hurley’s inevitable fate as one of the next casualties of the island, or will the “luckiest guy alive” (even though that’s what the other Hurley claims) be able to avoid certain crimson-clothed death?

– Bitter adversaries in one life, possible lifelong friends in another; I’m hoping Jack cures Locke’s disability and the two go on to have a mutually respectful relationship. We’ve always seen them as two sides of the same coin, but we’ve also always suspected they might enjoy each other’s company if both weren’t busy clashing over which way is right while so much was hanging in the balance. I enjoyed Locke soothing of Jack’s troubled soul with talk of Christian’s own immortal soul being now safe from mortal interference.

– Why did Marshal Ed let Kate have a potty break. I wonder if there’s a single universe in all the infinite story streams where Ed doesn’t wind up getting owned by Kate. Seriously Ed, maybe you should have just let the girl mess herself. I guess the only problem with that is on one of the myriad of timelines Kate probably beats up Marshal Ed with her own soiled panties Perhaps a delight for some of the readers on this site, but I’ll take a pass on that particular fetish.

– Jack presents his card to Locke and offers him a free consultation. The hospital Jack works at is St. Sebastian. St. Sebastian is a martyred saint and perhaps best known in religious paintings as that guy who is also shown tied up with arrows piercing him. By the way, he died twice.

– Sawyer doesn’t seem all that “conny” to me on the Safe Landing Universe. He could have been sizing Hurley up for a long con after the mention of his lottery winnings, but I’d prefer to think that this particular version of the hero/anti-hero never had to take up the nom de plume, “Sawyer,” because in this separate reality, his parents never got scammed. He has been and will always be “James Ford.” Sure he’s a bit of a harmless flirt, but ol’ charming Jimmy Ford had some business down under, but he’s flying back to be with the love of his life, his darling wife, Juliet. (I really like this idea.)

– Boy that Jacob loves to write lists. I guess he’s just old school…. Thousands of years old school, because everyone else nowadays emails their lists. Nice to see the ankh was just a Trojan horse inside the Trojan guitar case. (And conversely too bad Charlie swallowed Trojans filled with heroin.)

– Who’s Jin delivering this watch to, and could there be a more obvious metaphor for time?

– Sayid seems pretty happy to get off that plane in Safe Landing Universe. I’m pretty sure he’s dead in Island Bound World.

Lets’s Hear it For the Stars of Our Show…

And now ladies and gentlemen, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for the stars of the show. Allow me to introduce a man who bears a striking resemblance to a certain bald, sad, pathetic, confused and deceased former island-communing hero, and now a lifeless corpse. He’s vengeful, he’s powerful, and he’s got Ben Linus shitting enough bricks to build another temple, he’s the man without a name….. The Smoke Monster, aka the Man in Black.

Our next guest hardly needs any introduction. He’s dead, and yet he’s not. Outwardly he’s a peaceful fisherman, but below the surface he has a few secrets. He wears a lot of white, and seems like a very nice guy, except when the storytellers want to confuse us, and then he appears capable of very bad things. Here he is, the one and only Jacob…. Jacob and Smokey ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jacob and Smokey.

First of all, I have to remind everyone here that we still can’t automatically assume that Jacob is good and Smokey is evil, or even vice versa. I believe we’re talking about a more nuanced idea than simple plain good and evil, and with that said, man I just want Jacob to be good. At this point I want to know whom I’m supposed to be rooting for. I know it seems obvious, but these brilliant little fuckers love to mess with us, and I refuse to believe anything until it’s proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt at the base of an ancient statue.

O’Quinn. Oh Yeah.

Hard to believe it has taken this long to mention this, but Sweet Baby Aaron, how freaking good was Terry O’Quinn in his dual role as the frustrated and raging demigod and the insecure and damaged human? Terry O’Quinn won’t need Jacob to include his name on any lists after this show runs it’s course, O’Quinn is going to be writing his own ticket in Hollywood for years to come.

Here’s another two-word phrase I never expected to string together, but, poor Ben. That guy hasn’t had many breaks his whole life. Mom dies giving birth to him, dad resents him for the death. Moves to an island as a young boy, takes a bullet in the heart, or in the exact opposite side of his heart, depending on the week, commits genocide on a small neighborhood, and personally murders his own father, and now it looks like he’s been reduced from detested leader of the Jacob-loving Others to Smokey’s frightened lackey. And yikes did he bitchslap Richard! Chains? Slave ship? Egyptian slave… how old is this Richard anyway?

And where is Jacob all this time? When last we saw him, he was dead and chatting it up with Hurley and informing the always rotund but recently turned man of action to bring Sayid to the Temple. (Which reminded me a whole lot of the Planet of the Apes — the set, the clothing, the background music.)

I Hope This Nickname Sticks

Here at the Temple we get to meet the Other Others. The ones who likely healed and forever changed young Ben Linus. Into what, we’re not sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion along with many of you, that after retrieving Sayid’s lifeless corpse from the healing/drowning/healing waters of the murky and malfunctioning water of life like Jesus removed from the cross, the man that rose from the dead was not completely Sayid and not completely Jacob. Let’s, for the simple sake of article writing call him, Saycob. (Because I prefer that to Jacyid.)

Will Saycob, with the help of the others, and the Other Others be enough to eventually take down the ostensibly all-powerful Man in Black? Only time(lines) will tell.

Until Next Week

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to make out Dharma logos on cheesy yet cool underwater CG graphics.) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need to Google the philosophical works of Soren Kierkegaard. Seriously, Google Fear and Trembling. It’ll help you out if you’re trying to solve this mystery.) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. If you have some time and a love of one-man produced animation, please check out some of Joe’s own animated shorts.

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/animation/

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Greetings fellow LOST junkies, and Holy Jesus H. Christ! Perhaps even literally. Season Five’s finale gave us enough biblical references, and allegories to fill, well, a bible.
I’m not going to lie to anyone here. I’m still confused as to who the actual good guys are in this one. Granted, it seems pretty obvious that Jacob is the good guy, and if so, then Ben has been (as I have always contended) a good guy with a less than perfect moral compass.
But after two hours of fairly compelling evidence in favor of the ‘Jacob is the good guy theory,’ and as much as I want to believe that at this point – mostly because the other version gives me Charlotte-esque nosebleeds, I’m still not convinced. And dammit I want to be convinced.
The problem with ‘Jacob is the good guy’ is that it’s too freaking easy. But maybe that’s what they want us to believe; because if the solution really looks simple, many of us would start to that assume Jacob is the bad guy. After all, nothing is that straightforward on this show. So of course Jacob is the bad guy, because they laid it out right in front of us that Jacob IS the good guy. They have to flip that on us! Ahhh, but that’s exactly what they want us to think, those tricky devils. Because while we’re all thinking it’s too obvious for Jacob to be the good guy, so he must be the bad guy, they’ll do the double reverse flip, and reveal that Jacob was the good guy all along. Of course he is. Unless that’s precisely what they want us to think’. Oh shit’ nosebleed all over my laptop. Ok, maybe I’ll try to tackle this later. Right now I have to squeegee a half a pint of nose blood out of my keyboard.

Spinning Wheel, Got To Go ‘Round
We begin the ‘The Incident’ with Jacob at the spinning wheel. Or was that the wheel of fate? Or the wheel of karma? I know it wasn’t the Wheel of Fortune, because I didn’t see Pat Sajack’s bad haircut anywhere near that scene. You know what I did see in this underground lair though? Fire. You know what underground and fire usually conjures up in a biblical sense? The devil. I’m plugging my nostrils with cotton balls to prevent another hemoglobin leak.
Regardless, a spinning wheel, looping over and over seems kind of metaphorical, don’t you think? Eventually this looping creates a thread, and as we were told at the end, it takes a long time to create this thread, but that’s kind of the point. Forgive me if I communicate cryptically, but after watching this show for 5 seasons, I’ve picked up Cryptic as a second language.

Fish. It’s the Island’s Version of Lucky Charms
After his morning loom, Jacob finds himself a bit peckish, so it’s off to the fish trap. Hey isn’t there some stuff in the bible about fishing? Yes as a matter of fact there is. Jesus multiplies the fish and loaves, His disciples are in a fishing boat when Jesus walks (on water) over to them, three of the 12 apostles were fisherman, and today the modern icon of a fish on the back of someone’s car indicates they’re either Christian or they have an annual subscription to Bass Master Monthly.
And so Jacob, dressed all in white, cooks up his sunrise snack and is greeted by a bed-headed gentleman, all dressed in black. Oh’ I get it. The guy in black is the bad guy, because he’s in black, and except for Johnny Cash, every man in black is a bad guy. I guess Jacob is the good guy.
Jacob offers to share his banquet with his unnamed dark island mate, but apparently his cranky neighbor has already eaten. We, the viewers, are expected to wonder what he ate, or maybe more specifically who he ate. Nevertheless, he has had his fill of both food and Jacob, and as what I’ll assume is the Black Rock slave ship sails by on the not so distant horizon, he promises to a find a loophole, and kill a very nonplussed Jacob.
The two have a dispassionate conversation about the true nature of man. It’s the kind of shorthand tête-à-tête that is usually overheard between a couple of pseudo-intellectual coffeehouse philosophers, or two diametrically opposed immortal beings on a magical island paradise.

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Greetings fellow LOST junkies, in honor of Daniel Faraday, and in an effort to get this blog up much earlier than I usually do, I have taken the liberty of writing this week’s article as more of a rambling scribble of thoughts ‘ kind of an homage to Faraday’s journal. It’s also an experiment I’m conducting, to see if getting this up before 5PM PST, I might generate more comments during the week. Also, I was pretty impressed with some of my findings last night, and I wanted to be among the first to post them ‘ thus giving me ownership of certain thoughts and theories I have, in particular regarding the possibility of Faraday surviving that gunshot, and the importance of eating Indian food.
We’ve Seen This Before
Well now we know who the ‘majorish’ character who gets killed this season don’t we. Or do we? It looked like it might be Juliet, but knowing this was a Faraday-centric episode, as well as the 100th episode of the series I was fairly certain if anyone was going to get offed, it would be Danny Boy. But, did he really die? I wonder. I’ll address my suspicions later in the article.
Of Course Des is Fine
So Desmond is fine. He still throws a mean left man with a bullet under his heart. Glad to see he’s keeping his promise to Penny. I’m assuming since she didn’t say (although assumption is a dangerous practice with this show) that Mrs. Hawking is NOT Penny’s mom as I predicted before.
Sacrifices
It was an episode of sacrifices. Mrs. Hawking, Charles Widmore, Daniel Faraday, and even Miles, all made some sacrifices in this episode. Mrs. Hawking finally confirms she’s Faraday’s mother, looked horrified when Penny suggested she might be Ben’s mother.
By the Way
By the way, does that Star Trek movie look amazing or what?
Knock Knock. Who’s There? Fara. Fara who? Farah Fawcett Majors. It’s 1977′ No No, Just Kidding, It’s Me, Daniel Faraday
Faraday and Miles wake Jack up, he can barely focus. Faraday tells Jack his mother made a mistake. Jack and company weren’t destined to be part of 1977 Dharma, and their future lies elsewhere. (Presumably the future) Wasn’t it dark when Miles lands? It’s bright in the morning when Faraday gets to Jack’s place. What’s up with that?
Lil Faraday braces and big ears. Faraday the sensitive child musician promises his mother he will ‘make time’ for his music. What’s the one thing every good musician possesses? Good timing.
I Love It When They Give Us a Wink
Jack knocks on his old rival’s door to announce that Faraday’s back, to which the island’s head of security quips, ‘Love to trade theories with you on this, but I don’t have the time.’ (A nice nod to message blogs/message boards like this all over the internet.)
LaFluerSalawyer
Old Jack was peeking through again, questioning SawLaFleuryer (or whatever we’re calling him nowadays) about what could possibly be so important at 6 in the morning.
Juliet lets him in. Jack gave FleurSaLawyer (or whatever we’re calling him nowadays) a disgusted look. It took a lot of self-control for Jack not to call LaSawFleuryer out for mismanaging the tactic of beat up and kidnap.
How Many Miles to China?
Two Chinese Miles. Faraday tries to confront Dr Chang about the impending doom, and hopes to convince him with the very same logic I dropped on this very site not scant weeks ago. Basically he asked him what are the odds of two Chinese Miles on one teeny island. I hope this doesn’t mean that I’m about to be shot in the back by my 1977 mother any time soon.
Faraday demands Chang order evacuation electro magnetic energy.

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Greetings fellow LOST junkies.

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Greetings fellow LOST junkies. I wondered all week how ‘Some Like it Hoth’ was going to compare to last week’s Ben-centric masterpiece, ‘Dead is Dead.’ I admit it didn’t wow me as much, but it was still a very enjoyable hour, and we finally got a little back story on Miles.
While last week gave us struggles for political power, religion vs. government, the new improved John Locke, the new but somehow slightly used Benjamin Linus, a fresh riddle to ponder and a peek at Smokie’s crib, this week provided us a look inside a character we knew next to nothing about, and we got to explore some of his Daddy Issues.
Of course we can’t fairly compare an episode like ‘Some Like it Hoth’ with ‘Dead is Dead.’ It’s like comparing apples to oranges, or to take a cue from the last night’s title, it would be like comparing the blue milk Luke Skywalker drank on Tatooine with that granola bar/taquito thing Luke Skywalker ate on Dagobah. They’re both tasty in their way, but found on entirely different grocery aisles.

The Real Housewives Of Orange County Wouldn’t Settle For This
For the ex-wife of a doctor, Mrs. Chang didn’t get much in the way of alimony, although the place did come with it’s own microwave oven. The apartment manager isn’t supposed to let kids in, but for two months in advance, Mr. Crotchety is willing to look the other way. Perhaps Lil Miles learned his code of questionable ethics from this crusty complex chief.
No sooner has the bargain been struck than the precocious child is making friends with the neighbors ‘ well the dead ones anyway.
Lil Miles is ‘called’ to apartment number 4 (as in the first of the mysterious numbers) and finds a hidden key beneath the white rabbit (as in Alice in Wonderland and the famous experimental white bunnies) and he lets himself into the late Mr. Vonner’s sad pad. Now, I know this episode was supposed to target Miles’ problems with the fact his father abandoned him as an infant, but I’m telling you right now, his mom ain’t gonna win to many Mother of the Year trophies either. The woman finds her impressionable son conversing with a lifeless corpse inside this squalid residence – and then she signs the rental agreement? Surely there’s an apartment complex somewhere in the Los Angeles Valley area with less dead bodies for young boys to play with’. Eh, scratch that. I guess that place is as good as any other.

Can You Get Milk From My Nipples Miles?
Sawyer/LaFleur no sooner talks Miles into erasing the surveillance tapes than Horace busts into the room before Miles had a chance to comply with SawFleur’s request. Now Miles has joined Gaylord Focker inside Dharma’s Circle of Trust. I sure hope he doesn’t try to get milk from Horace’s nipples.
Man that Radzinsky is wound tight. I mean, I know he’s in a forbidden part of the island, but the guy is just itching to shoot someone, and I get the sense he may get his chance soon. Anyway, Miles shows up, and Radzinsky has a couple goons bring out the body of a freshly dead Dharmite named, Alvarez. They load him in the back of the van. Miles is confused as to how a man can die from an internally punctured skull, while digging a ditch and since Radzinsky is not giving up any secrets, Miles goes straight to the source. He finds dead ditch-diggers are way less anal than the living breathing Heads of Research.

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