Joe’s Weekly LOST Thingy. (Happy St Paddy’s Day)

Sorry Skaters

I’m not sure what to make of Sawyer telling Jin at the beginning of this episode that he’s with Locke, when a mere ten minutes later he confides in his one-time sex cage partner, “I ain’t with anybody, Kate.”
Personally, I want that to be true, at least for now, because I want Sawyer/Ford to reunite with Juliet. It took me two whole seasons to even warm up to Juliet. I realize Juliet’s dead and all, but a simple thing like that’s not going to stop true love on this show.
Sure Kate was a fun fuck buddy, but that chick was nothing but headaches, mind games and step daddy issues. Juliet was all about cooking and loving and since we found out Sawyer likes it kinky, Juliet probably had a closet full of whips too.
I remember the moment I shifted to Juliet’s camp. She was sitting on the beach in the middle of the day swiggin’ Dharma vodka straight out of the bottle. Now that’s the girl any guy could fall for.
Juliet’s relationship with Sawyer was real. It was nice to see the two of them play house way back in the seventies, and when it was revealed Sawyer was going to ask her to marry him that sealed the deal for me. Juliet’s message from beyond the grave will be a prophetic happily ever after for the couple. It’s nice to know that at least one of these island survivors is guaranteed a chance at a blissful life when either these two universes collide or are merged or the Safe Landing Universe somehow becomes an acceptable epilogue for the finale.
Still there will always be a tender place in Sawyer’s heart for Kate, and these writers are going to play with that for a little bit, but trust me, Sawyer will end up going dutch on a cup of coffee with Juliet before this show is over.

Bragging Rights

By now you all know how much I love bragging about how I was right when a theory I championed in these web pages come to fruition. (What a few of you may have also figured out is that I’m remarkably silent on the hunches that don’t pay off.) But I did tell everyone after this season’s premiere that Sawyer would not be Sawyer over in SLU, he would be “James Ford.” No matter what universe though, Sawyer/Ford can pull some serious tail.
And so it is that nookie hound Jimmy Ford is reveling in a little post-coitus pillow talk when the clock hits 8:42 (The Numbers are back) and he pops out of bed and “accidentally” pops open his briefcase full of money. This of course “mirrors” a similar incident with Cassidy (Hey, do you guys remember when I called the mirror thing way back when? Yeah you do because I refuse to stop patting myself on the back for it.) Anyway, drop goes the money all over the bed, but this time the chick isn’t going to let him walk away or buy into his con. Sadly for her, she doesn’t believe Ford is a cop until he whispers the magic word, “LeFleur.”
When are they ever going to reveal why that word/name means something to Ford?

It was also a pleasant surprise to see Miles and Sawyer/Ford reunite as Starsky and Hutch. The Miles in this universe seems slightly more ethical than in the Island Surviving Universe, and while this version of Miles may not have the ability to speak to the dead, his bullshit meter is finely tuned.

Next Stop Crazy Town, All Aboard

Meanwhile back on the island, Crazy Claire is packing all her crazy belongings – save for the crazy animal skull baby. Kate barges in on Crazy Claire’s silent good byes and leaves all decorum outside of Crazy Claire’s crazy digs.
“What is that?” Kate asks without a hint of empathy, to which Claire, suddenly painfully aware, replies, “It’s all I had.”
Now it’s up for debate who really got the best end of raising Aaron for the first few years of his life. Sure kids are cute at that age, but a skull animal baby doesn’t wake you at all hours of the night wanting to be fed, and you really don’t have to worry much about scrimping for the kid’s college tuition. If you ask me, Claire got off easy.

Honest Smlocke

There’s something I think we’ve all noticed about Smlocke. He seems to be compelled to tell the truth. This must be all part of “the rules” that govern many of the actions on and off this island. Just because he is forced to tell the truth however, that doesn’t mean he needs to be forthcoming with all every tiny bit of information – like the tiny fact that he is the very Smoke Monster who killed all those poor people at the temple.
It’s also interesting to note that Smlocke calmed the collective fears with the reassurance of taking care of each and every one of them. This is likely Smlocke playing with one of the loopholes in these rules. The mafia has been known to “take care” of people too.
What I didn’t understand was why did Smlocke confess his smokey powers to Sawyer. Sawyer didn’t ask him any tricky yes or no questions, but for seemingly no reason at all, Smlocke takes Sawyer into his confidence at lets him know not only can he transform into a violent plume of sooty vapors, but that he actually killed all those people, and he did it because they wouldn’t let him off the island. It was kill, or be killed, and Smlocke opted for the survivalists option. The question remains though, why tell Sawyer? Is it as simple as him wanting Sawyer to know who not to fuck with?
And if Smlocke can change his shape from mist to flesh, you think he could do something about those huge freaking bitch tits he’s lugging around these days. What the hell Terry O’Quinn? You’re a wealthy man, you work 4 months a year and live in a place where people walk around shirtless all the time. Hire a personal trainer and tighten up that chest. You’ve got bigger cups than Sun.
Maybe that’s why Smlocke let Sawyer know he was the Smoke Monster. He knows Sawyer’s penchant for nicknames and he was just warning Sawyer what would happen if he called him Moobs or something.

Archeology Made Sexy

Damn, Charlotte cleans up good. She’s also a pretty savvy single lady. After some more Indiana Jones small talk (Hurley mentioned Indy a couple eps ago) and a nice little bit flirtatious whip talk, Charlotte cuts through all the Bullitt bullshit, and asks Ford/Sawyer to come clean about why he really became a policeman.
It was be a criminal or be a cop Ford/Sawyer replied in a moment that echoed Smlocke’s kill or be killed motto. Of course unlike Smlocke, Ford/Sawyer didn’t feel the need to reveal the entire reason he joined the force. No need to ruin the mood when the hot redhead with the adult toys has just given you the “hey, let’s go back to your place for good looking people sex” eyes.

A Mini Rant

For the second week in a row, LOST has written a rather convenient moment into an otherwise tight script. (Last week many of you cried foul on Ben losing the upper hand on Principal Reynolds when it came to Alex’s future at Yale.) It seems to me that hunting down the real “Sawyer” is the number one thing on Ford/Sawyer’s mind, so it’s highly unlikely that he’d ever be so trusting or forgetful to allow a complete stranger access to the drawer in which he keeps his biggest secret hidden. It would have played out just as dramatic if Ford/Sawyer had two dressers and Charlotte went to the top drawer of the wrong one. Come on guys. You’re LOST. You’re better than this.
OK, rant over.

Jaunt Down Memory Lane, and Memory Cages

So after freaking good Charlotte out, Island Bound Sawyer allows Smlocke to talk him into going over to arrives on the shore of Hydra for a recon mission. Sawyer seems a little fearful for his mortal life, but Smlocke assuages his fear by comforting Sawyer with the news that he’s the best liar Smlocke has ever seen. Smlocke also conveniently leaves out the fact that nothing is going to happen to Sawyer because he is one of Jacob’s candidates.
Upon arriving on the neighboring island, Sawyer is confronted with the scene of some of his most memorable kinky sex. Outdoor, caged, videotaped, voyeur sex. Sawyer is overcome with emotions, and then he finds Kate’s dress. I was happy to see he didn’t hold it up to his nose and smell it. Now I’m not being Principal Reynolds pervy here, I really think this is another sign that Sawyer is not going to end up with Kate.
I bet if that were Juliet’s dress Sawyer would have lifted it to his face and tried to find faint hints of her aroma. Sawyer’s fond of Kate, but he loves Juliet. (On a side note, I hope we never see anyone picking up Sawyers soiled boxer shorts from “The Substitute.” That’s not whip kinky or Principal pervy… that’s a whole other website, and I’m not giving my credit card information to those people.

Are You In There Sayid?

Kate sits next to Sayid and asks him is he believes Locke. Sayid admits he does believe, but follows that up with the belief that he’s not feeling all right. As if to illustrate the point, Sayid sits impassively by while Crazy Claire jumps Kate from behind and attempts to slice her neck.
The fact that Sayid can comprehend he’s not feeling well is an indication that the infection hasn’t fully taken him over. He’s probably only at about 80-85% evil at the moment. My guess? Fifteen percent of Sayid will ultimately make a heroic gesture against Smlocke and pay for it with his life.
You want another couple of my guesses? If I’m right about the remaining good in Sayid making a last ditch attempt at redemption – hero style – I will brag about it endlessly in these web pages. My other guess is if I’m wrong you’ll never hear me mention it again.

What the What?

Sawyer follows a trail from the beach to the jungle and finds a pile of human carcasses, then spots a woman running away and gives chase. When he finally catches up to his scrawny prey the woman turns out to be Liz Lemon from 30 Rock fame. Suddenly it all makes sense. Charles Widmore is obviously partners with Don Guise in Sheinhardt Wigs and needs the island’s magic to give Jay Leno an edge over the superior Letterman show. How else can you explain Jay ever beating Dave?
Lemon asks Sawyer if he’s alone. It is the single most important theme of this episode. Sawyer is alone, and he will continue to walk both universes alone until he is once again reunited with the love of his life. Juliet.
How many of you were surprised to hear Sawyer speak words, “God’s got nothin’ to do with it” in response to Liz Lemon taking the Lord’s name in vain? Is this a hint that we’ve been reading into all kinds of religious overtones when in fact that everything ever seen over the course of the past 5 plus seasons, as Damon and Carlton promised us way back when, can be explained by science? I doubt it, but it’s worth mentioning.
Liz Lemon gives herself away when she says she has a boyfriend in Guam. Everyone knows Liz Lemon’s boyfriend is astronaut Mike Dexter, and he’s probably on a secret outer space mission as we speak.
Like SLU Ford however, Lemon brings in the backup when things get dicey. The fat kid from Kate and Ally and all his gun toting buddies get the drop on Sawyer, who remains as cool as a cucumber.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

Look at little Miles get all aggressive with Sawyer as he jacks him into the lockers and confronts him with the fact he ran his credit card and found out Sawyer lied about Palm Springs. (Nice nod to Charlie in that scene by the way) If Miles is going to be Hutch to Sawyer’s Starsky, there can’t be any lies between the two. Miles quits as Ford’s partner. Sawyer/Ford catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and shatters it with a straight left. Good Ford doesn’t like seeing bad Sawyer.

Long Walks to the Beach

Perhaps the best moment of this Sawyer-centric episode had nothing to do with our favorite anti-hero. I think it’s when Locke told Kate he had to make Claire believe the Others had taken her baby because she needed to focus her anger to give her a reason to go on. Smlocke then when on to ask Kate if she ever had an enemy she needed.
Now Kate has had a couple enemies, but I don’t think Kate ever needed them. The argument can easily be made that Kate would have been much better off without either one of them. Her step dad was obviously no picnic, though we’re not entirely sure what he did or didn’t do to young Katherine Ann. And it follows suit that if Kate never killed off the step dad, then the always inept Eddie Mars would have never been sent to hound Kate’s trail to begin with.
Kate however found Smlocke to be very insightful — especially for a dead man. Smlocke thanked her, but guaranteed Kate he was not a dead man at all.
“Nobody’s perfect” Smlocke offered. Or was that no body is perfect? Take the one he’s currently inhabiting for example. The island healed his useless legs, but apparently can’t do anything for bitch tits. Sure Smlocke would rather have Sawyer’s body. Nicely manicured, well-muscled chest, great head of hair and dimples to die for, but you have to admit, John Locke’s form does have a certain old guy charm… plus he doesn’t stain his boxers like a certain pretty boy we all know.
Smlocke tries to gain Kate’s confidence by confessing he has certain shortcomings, and many of those are due to his crazy mother. Now come on. Please! The crazy mother card? Who the hell can’t play the crazy mother card? My mom used to buy me Toughskins and sneakers from the supermarket and then expected me not to get beat up by the neighborhood kids.
Kids are just looking to kick the shit out of the kid in the supermarket sneakers and the Sears brand jeans whenever he goes out to play. Crazy mother. Boo Hoo!

Bible Study

We of course still don’t know Smlocke’s real name. He let us know about his “growing pains” and how things could have gone differently, but if we do go the bible for hints, and we realize the Jacob had a “Bad Twin” named Esau, it’s possible Esau (from his selfish viewpoint) felt his mother Rebecca was crazy. You know what is crazy though, Esau’s hair problem.
Without getting into it too much, Rebecca fools her blind husband Isaac into believing that Jacob is Esau by throwing goatskins on Jacob’s arms and the back of his neck, and having the dying man feel his younger sons arms. How hairy must that Esau guy have been? Maybe bitch tits are a serious step up from goat hair all over your body. Esau’s mother probably made them both Jacob and Esau wear very cheap dungarees as kids too. Poor kids.

Contradictory Theory

Here’s a theory I’ll throw out there that contradicts my Jacob re-enters this world through baby Aaron theory. If Aaron has a crazy mother, and Aaron was not meant to be raised by another could Aaron be the next Smlocke? Now we need to find a baby who would be the mirror baby for Jacob, and that could be Baby Kwon. This might also mean that the name Kwon on the wall actually refers to Baby Kwon and not Sun or Jin. Maybe the Kwon baby is the true candidate? Jacob touched both Sun and Jin, so it makes sense the union of the two that make the one Kwon candidate baby.

Little House, A Little Beer

Meanwhile back at SLU Sawyer’s pad, a little beer and some Little House on the Prairie will make all the pain go away. So much so that Ford/Sawyer thinks it would be a good idea to knock on Charlotte’s door and ask for a redo. Hey Ford/Sawyer, I know this much about women, you don’t scream them out of your bedroom at three in the morning one day and then walk over with a six pack the next and expect all to be forgiven. Even Crazy Claire isn’t that crazy.

By the end of this episode Kate is eating rabbit, which ironically enough mirrors the book Charlotte noticed on Ford/Sawyer’s dresser, “Watership Down.” Sawyer opens up to Kate and lets her know he just supplied both sides with ample information for a long and bloody, and Sawyer plans on taking advantage of that skirmish with a quick little submarine escape.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re trying to figure out if Smlocke is actually padding his bra) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings even if you watched that damn thing 5 times last week and still hear “cheese carrots”) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need do a little research on Sawyer’s reading material) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.

Joe Oesterle wants you to follow him on Twitter. He has a new book coming out in Sept. entitled, “”Weird Hollywood,” and is trying to do that viral marketing thing that is all the rage. Please follow him here.

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Joe Oesterle is an award winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk, shooting a water pistol into the mouth of a plastic clown in an effort to be the first to pop the balloon. Joe has been the Art Director and Senior Editor of the National Lampoon, and his work has appeared in television, radio, books (including Weird California), magazines, and web sites. Joe also has a number of years of experience in both the apparel industry and the advertising world as an Art Director. He has remained relatively unharmed by the experiences. He also wrote, directed, and performed in an animated short that is on display at the Smithsonian Institution. If you are a high powered Hollywood mogul on the look-out for a sheer comic and artistic genius, contact him here, or at He is not much of a business man, so you could probably cheat him out of some brilliant ideas. (Of which he has plenty.) And Don’t forget to check out the rest of this site. Stories, Illustrations, photography, animation, plus lots more….. actually very little more than that…. but come on…. that’s a lot. Just click the Home page, and scroll deep.

8 thoughts on “Joe’s Weekly LOST Thingy. (Happy St Paddy’s Day)

  1. Good read, can’t wait for Richard’s story!
    Any thoughts on his origins? Maybe he was on the black rock when jacob gave him the power to stop aging

  2. “Claire got off easy” – yes she did. No diaper changing whatsoever.

    I love your reasoning behind Shmlocke telling Sawyer he’s the smoke monster – To prevent any name calling regarding his milkmakers. LMAO.

    “God’s got nothing to do with it” – I believe that’s a hint to us that “God” has nothing to do with it, but “Evil Incarnate” does. We can easily write off religion in this show, but there are too many religious references to really look away from them. I think Dogen was right, we shouldn’t trust “Shmflocke” in any way, shape, or form, no pun intended.

    About Juliet, sorry, I hope she stays out of this show for the remaining duration. I never liked her, or her lies.

    Again, another fun post to read. Thanks man.

  3. Hubby wonderin’ why Kate had backpack in a way that pushed up her boobs … until we saw Locke wearing the same shirt. We’re sure that’s what they were talkin’ about in there one-on-one. (Not to be confused w/Sawyer’s one-on-one.)

    BTW: You missed how Miles seems a little stalkerish/jealous in his “I ran your credit cards and you are SO busted. *sniff* It’s bad enough you ran off to Australia … but, now you’re keeping secrets from me! *sniff sniff* I’m not sure I want to be your ‘partner’ any more!”

  4. Sure – tempt us w/your protected tweets. How do ya’ even know it’s us … maybe it’s Smokie impersonating us … ever think of that!?!

  5. I don’t think your contradictory theory is that radical..after all a “psychic” did kind of hint that the baby (Aaron) would be evil/doomed if CLAIRE herself did not raise the baby. Kate was portrayed as a good mother off the island, but really, she’s a con/fugitive, so how good of an influence can she be on Aaron? Now that Claire has missed the first three years of his life, let’s see how messed up Aaron gets. Additionally, UnLocke was speaking about mothers and mentioned to Kate that Claire was a crazy mother and he himself had one (geez, does everyone have parental issues on this show?). At this point, I was thinking what you wrote in your theory more or less. But the only thing that held me back about it was that you would think UnLocke would be more …emotional/less stoic …about talking about his own mom if he were indeed Aaron…
    Yes, I’ve noticed UnLocke’s manboobs, but he’s a good actor…so whatever. Kate could use the donation from him though. lol.

  6. Thank you :)… I also like Juliet and Sawyer together and get very bothered by Terry O’Quinn’s man-boobs! Love ya!

    BTW, on the theory aspect of your post, I agree with the mirror quality of their lives in the different realities. I am thinking that only the people that end up on the right side of the battle on the island have their lives positively affected in the parallel life (i.e. Hurley being lucky, Jack not drinking and understanding his Daddy issues–they are still candidates; Locke still in a wheelchair and unhappy, Sayid still killing and without his love and unhappy–they have gone to the dark-side) Makes me wonder about Claire’s story–will Aaron be OK in the parallel life since she is on the wrong side on the island? And Sawyer and Kate are walking the line and their stories are not totally positive or negative yet. What do you think?

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