Joe’s Last LOST

Dazed and Confused
Confused? I am. Though not as confused as I was when I heard about the LOST Spin-off. Apparently Ben, Baby Kwon, Father Mulcahy and Klinger all signed up to do a new dramedy entitled, “AfterLost.” Talk about hi-jinx.
And yes, let’s talk about hi-jinx, because It’s 2:00 AM, I’ve watched this show once for fun, then once again while taking notes, and I still not sure I fully understand everything. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this other than my girlfriend, and to be honest she’s too busy crying to discuss what we just watched. (Twice) I am fairly certain, regardless of the early morning hours, I can hear a certain percentage of the viewing public screaming foul. “They were dead the whole time? I called that back in Season One! This is some serious hi-jinx!”
Were they dead the whole time? We know at the end Christian assured Jack that everything that happened to him was real, but does that mean he had a son? Didn’t that happen to him, or was that all just the dream he was supposed to wake up from. Yeah, probably just a dream. Locke told Jack he didn’t have a son, and that seemed to shake Jack’s foundation a bit. So I guess that was just part of Jack’s dream. The dream Rose tried to wake Jack from way back in 2004, otherwise known as February 2nd 2010 during this season’s premiere.
Please bear with me, because I’m still pondering as I type this. Jenn (the girlfriend) is still awake and her tears have subsided, but we’re still debating whether or not they all died when the 815 originally crashed. That could have happened – couldn’t it? Or, did some of those passengers miraculously escape death only to die in this season’s finale?
At this moment I’m thinking, based purely on Miles ability to commune with the dead in his own way, that Claire died in that explosion a couple of seasons ago. Claire definitely registered as a walking corpse on Miles’ deadometer. Dammit. I don’t know. I get why Lapidus, Miles and Alpert were on the plane, but not sure why Sawyer, Claire and Kate had to board as well. Was it just to make Jack’s eventual final eye close more dramatic? Sawyer, Claire and Kate were in the church for their own funeral, but the other guys weren’t. So, if everything was real, did those guys make it off the island, and did Sawyer, Kate and Claire just disappear from that plane? Is there a universe somewhere in which Frank Lapidus, Richard Alpert and Miles Straum are wondering what happened to the three other people in that Ajira plane?

Still Not Sure
Maybe they were all dead too. Lapidus could have really died in the sub. Alpert could have been killed by Smokey’s tree toss. Not sure how Miles may have died, or if any of them actually did die. Sonuvabitch this hurts my head.
Hey! How the hell did Penny die? She was at the big funeral. But where was baby Charlie? Did Des and Pen never have baby Charlie? The Kwons apparently never had Ji Yeon. Or did they? If everything that happened to them is real where are the offspring of the Kwons and Humes? At least we can be certain everyone in the church was going to heaven. We of course know this because Nikki and Paulo were nowhere to be seen.
Without figuring out if I figured this ending out, I figure I can say I still enjoyed the show. Of course, it’s hard not to like a tear jerking, happily ever after ending — even if all the good guys died. But did I feel cheated? I’m still not sure.

Maybe If I Just Write Out My Thoughts…
Let’s discuss the show itself and maybe I’ll put it together — for myself at least. Jack confessed to Sawyer that he didn’t feel much different after being anointed as the new Jacob. So Jack did not receive an epiphany from Jacob’s wine?
Hey, maybe I just got an epiphany too. Hurley, while going on about Yoda, and quoting the one phrase that’s in every single Star Wars film – both the good three and the ridiculously shitty three — “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” follows that up with, “…this would be sweet if we weren’t all about to die.” For now at least, I take that as Hurley informing us all that they are not yet dead. Though I still maintain Claire may have been.

Freedom of Choice… Kind of
Speaking of Hurley, here’s another thing that has me perplexed. How come when the big man parks his big Hummer outside the big motel he stresses to Sayid he has an option in whether or not he stays with Hugo? He informs Sayid he thinks he’s a good guy and tells him he’ll be happy if he sticks with him, but he emphasizes Sayid’s freedom of choice. This freedom for some reason does not apply to Charlie. Hurley tranqs the blitzed Brit and takes him to the concert against his will. Could someone clear up that inconsistency for me please?
Like Lassie, it appears Vincent also rescues people who are stuck in wells. More likely it was Rose and Bernard who pulled Desmond out, but they appear to be more effective in covering their own tracks. Not that it mattered, because Smlocke picked up their scent, and after finagling a guarantee to never harm the old couple, Desmond accepted his journey with the cranky dark cloud-man.

Wakey Wakey
Back in the Safe Landing Universe (SLU) or what we now may refer to as the Dream World (or DW for those of you who love initials) Miles informs Detective Ford that he just saw Sayid Jarrah at his father’s museum concert benefit thing, and asks him to check in on the Korean couple at the hospital. At that same moment, the Korean couple are being checked in on by a certain baby doctor/baby mama/ baby oh baby.
Dr. Juliet goops Sun’s belly up (that sounded way more sexual than it actually was) and triggers an awakening for Sun. Soon after, Jin also “wakes up” to flashes of island heartache and joy. They laugh, they cry, they learn English.
Up the hall a few rooms, Dr. Jack and John Locke, are making small talk. Jack previously had Locke’s skull X-ray superimposed over his own face, leaving the audience with an interesting view of duality of these two bitter and loving frenemies. At the same moment DW Jack is lightening the mood by telling DW Locke he may kill him on the operating table, Original Timeline (OT) Jack is laying it out for Smlocke, “I’m going to kill you,” snarls OT Jack, and OT Jack isn’t lol-ing. “See you on the other side,” winks DW Jack.

Not Nadia
Turns out Sayid’s big love wasn’t Nadia after all. Now that one reeks a little of “let’s pull a clever fast one on the audience,” but most of us already entertained that notion and rejected it. We’ve seen Sayid haunted by his love for Nadia before the Oceanic crash, on the island, back in the real world as an Oceanic Sixer, and also in the DW. It’s hard for me at least to buy into the big love of Sayid’s life not being Nadia. How long could he have really known Shannon? 3 days? 3 weeks tops? Danny and Sandy had a whole Summer of lovin’ before returning to Rydell High. That makes sense. But we’re supposed to believe Sayid and Shannon’s devotion for each other rivals that of the Australian virgin and the Greasy Thunderbird? Sayid and Shannon never even made out under the dock – though they did stay out till way past 10 o’clock.

Are You Ready To Rock… Or at Least Roll?
Meanwhile at the social event of the year, many of our characters have assembled at table number 23. (See Hurley’s famous numbers.) Even Desmond is surprised to find out that Kate and Claire have already formed a relationship.
Every big act needs a warm-up guy to whip the crowd into a frenzy. This man should never be Pierre Chang. Sadly for Daniel and the Driveshafts that’s exactly who it is.
You know what’s more bizarre than the bass player of an experimental rock fusion band leaving the stage in mid-performance because he fancies the pregnant bird in the audience? It’s when the bass player of an experimental rock fusion band leaves the stage in mid-performance because he fancies the pregnant bird in the audience, and both he and the chickadee are stone cold dead already, but don’t yet know it.
Do you know how to make a dead bass player and his dead girlfriend realize they’re already dead? Answer: The dead girl gives birth.
In an episode full of mirroring scenes, Kate once again assists Claire as she gives birth to baby Aaron. Once Charlie touches Claire’s hand he realizes all is well and they’re all dead.

Two Sides. One Light. One Dark.
Meanwhile on the island, Desmond, who has been walking through this story like a man who knows the ending, suddenly isn’t sure if he read that last page correctly. After being lowered by Goofus and Gallant, Desmond pulls the proverbial cork out of the proverbial wine bottle, but instead of disappearing in the beautiful light, all hell is proverbially breaking loose.
Smlocke smugly takes his leave of the cave, but Jack doesn’t care for his tone, and tells him so with a couple of punches to the back of his head and at least one on the kisser, which much to Smlocke’s surprise draws blood for the first time in a couple thousand years. Without the beautiful light, they’re no longer immortal. Smlocke is still thoroughly immoral though, so he grabs the nearest rock (neither white of black but grey) and smashes it on the side of Jack’s very vulnerable head and makes good his escape.

The Two Bens
While on the topic of good and evil, let’s discuss one Benjamin Linus; a man who knows a thing or two about both sides. While it did look like Ben was happily about to turn Sawyer over to Smlocke earlier in the episode, it’s impossible to tell what his true motives were. It certainly looked as if Ben was once again up to his old selfish ways, but he’s been a very ambiguous character from the get go.
What isn’t so vague however is how Ben sacrificed himself in order to protect Hurley from a falling tree. That was just Ben reacting without thinking — and his natural inclination was to be good. When Ben declines to join the rest inside the church, both Locke and Hurley understand. Ben, while by this time is more good than bad, is good enough to realize he’s not good enough. Yet.

…and the Winner, is….
Here’s one thing I think we can all agree on; it’s dangerous to run down a slick rocky mountain during a thunderstorm at a guy with a big sharp knife. I guess we finally found out how Jack got that cut on his neck. What we didn’t find out is if DW Locke’s balls still ached from OT Jack’s well-place tempest crotch kick.
And how ‘bout that Kate saving the day in the nick o’ time? I know many of you out there can’t stand Kate. I was once like you, but I’m glad that I publicly came out a few weeks ago and renounced my Khater membership. Like Smlocke kicked Jacob into the flames, Jack kicked Smlocke off the cliff. Smlocke fell like a man falling from a tall high rise. Who’s your daddy now Smlocke?
Jack makes yet another hero’s journey back to the caves with Hurley and Ben in tow, but not before Kate kisses her man, and mirroring another pair of good guy criminals, she and Sawyer plummet into the water like Newman and Redford’s Butch and Sundance.

Jack, You’re Going to Be Late For Your Own Funeral
Back in the DW, John Locke wakes up from the anesthesia and his dream state around the same time. He’s wiggling his old man toes, and really should have taken a nail clipper to those things before he went under. He’s not engaged, and he informs Jack he doesn’t have a kid. Those were just more happy dreams to keep them from wanting to wake up. He’s a little surprised Jack has yet to rouse up yet, but he’s hopeful and happy it will happen soon.

Goin’ Dutch
Down the hospital hall in the break room, Detective Ford has his hand caught in the candy jar, and no one by now is surprised when he’s caught by his lady love, Juliet. The candy machine wasn’t functioning properly, but that’s not what Juliet was referring to she told Miles from beyond the grave, “It worked!” And it did work. Once again mirroring a previous scene, the two are embrace in a passionate kiss and agree to split a coffee in the future. Personally, I rarely drink the stuff, but I’ve already had 3 large cappuccinos and 3 more cans of Coke. It’s almost 5 AM for me. Doesn’t look like I’ll be getting any sleep for another 12 hours either. It does however look like DW Jack is going to wake up soon.

Hurley is Number One
OT Jack meanwhile swears Hurley in as the new him. It’s not Hurley’s dream gig, but then again, DW Hurley has been wide-awake for some time now. A little communion beverage in an old Oceanic water bottle is the perfect chalice for Hurley’s transformation.
Jack is lowered and Desmond is raised. “See you in another life, brother,” Jacks smiles.
He then manages to put the plug back in the Jacuzzi of Life and Death, and just lies there laughing uncontrollably for a while as the magic water starts to refill. Jack probably had his butt on the nozzle, and let’s all admit it… if a regular hot tub nozzles feels good there, imagine what an enchanted underwater deep soul enema feels like. Must be heaven.

A Man of Faith(s)
Speaking of which, Kate can’t wait for Jack to get on board the Cloud Nine Train, but she’s dead, so she’s got time. Go in the back door, and I’ll meet you inside, she tells him. So Jack walks by the outstretched arms of Jesus, and into a very religious room. Very religious. All the major beliefs are represented. Catholicism and Judaism of course, but also the other Christian divisions as well as the Hindu, Shinto, Islam religions too.
I think many of us realized a bit before it happened that Jack wasn’t going to wake up until he confronted the coffin. We also probably surmised Christian wouldn’t be inside, which means Jack would finally realize, like Bruce Willis did before him, that he was dead for some time now.
The news was at first upsetting to Jack. Unlike the rest of his departed friends, Jack had resisted waking up the way other guys keep hitting the snooze button. Even though OT Jack was a full-fledged hero and man of faith, DW Jack was still not completely sold. When he finally believed however, he was given a champion’s welcome and a seat of honor as his tennis shoe wearing daddy opened up the doors to the light. Close up on OT Jack’s eye, this time closing, and cut to black. The end.

Not Same Time, Not Same Channel
Except this isn’t the end. This is just the beginning of what will likely become weeks of spirited debates, I told you so’s, what did this mean, that sucked, that was great, and mostly, what will we do with our Tuesday nights now? So while I would like to go to sleep for a day, it’s now 6:00 AM, and I’m a half an hour from the shower.
It’s been a great six year television run, and on a personal note it’s been great discussing, debating and theorizing all the minutia on this website with you people. I made some pretty impressive predictions during this time if I do say so myself, and I may have even been incorrect a time or two, but who’s counting? I had a great time as a viewer, and an even better time as a reviewer.
Thank you all for getting LOST with me, and I hope you’ll continue to read me on these pages and on my own site. And now, the camera fixes in on an extreme close up of my blood shot eye as I close it for a second and then pop it open real quick to realize I’m still alive, and to borrow a phrase from a mobisode, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Joe Oesterle is a seven-time published author. His latest book, “Weird Hollywood” is due out September of this year. In the meantime, please check out the animation section of his website. Once you’re there, watch ‘em all. The guy just pulled an all-nighter for you. Watch his damned cartoons already OK?
http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/animation/