Joe’s Weekly, Humorous (and lengthy) review. Please Comment

Greetings fellow LOST junkies. AHHHHHH! It finally really felt like LOST last night huh? I mean, I’m not complaining about the last couple weeks, but last night was like old home week; Locke, Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Sun, Jin, Sayid, Hurley, and of course, Ben. It felt nice. It felt familiar, and it felt comfortable ‘ especially if your idea of comfort is getting bitch-slapped three decades ago, on a crazy supernatural island by the biggest reactionary douche bag in television history. Yes, last night was the good old days.

Damn Dirty Hostiles

It also felt comfortable to me, because, as a child of the seventies myself, I enjoyed the liberal sprinklings of Planet of the Apes and Poseidon Adventure tributes throughout the episode. I certainly don’t remember the first thing about basic algebra. I’ve forgotten more about variables in algebraic equations than Daniel Faraday ‘ and he’s failed to remember some big ones. I do however remember every single line of dialogue in the classic Planet of the Apes movies, and the Poseidon Adventure, (don’t even think of mentioning those shitty remakes to me.) so it was fun to see Jack get smashed in the kisser by the gorilla-like, horseback riding young Charles Widmore. I wanted Jack to warn Widmore to keep his filthy paws off of him. Maybe Jack wasn’t as in to the Apes series as I was. Or maybe after being rifle butted and kicked in the stomach, Jack wasn’t all that keen on showing off his pop culture knowledge.

For a second, it did look as though Jack was going to abandon his new ways, and go in with guns blazing, but Kate talked him out of it, just in time for the gorilla attack.

Sorry About that Son

Meanwhile, down at the Hostiles camp, Ellie is beginning to believe she really did just shoot her full-grown child in the back. Now just doing some basic math (no algebra required) I looked up actor Jeremy Davies age. If he’s playing even close to his real age, Ellie (and Charles) would have given birth to Daniel in 1969. That means even though she shot her 39 year old son to death (give or take some years) there is still an 8 year old version of little Danny Faraday roaming around out there, wishing he had more time to practice his piano.

I still contend Daniel Faraday is way too smart to run into that military style camp, gun in hand, firing off a round and threatening to shoot Richard Alpert by the count of three if he didn’t want to be shot. I believe Faraday knew he had to fulfill his destiny. I think he knew he was destined to die, but he may not have realized it was to be at the hands of his own mother.

‘Did you two come here with this man?’ Asked a somewhat more stoic than you would image Eloise Hawking after shooting a son old enough to be her older brother. Kate’s plan was to keep her mouth shut, and her disgust was palpable when Jack blurts out ‘yes.’

Message in a Bottle
Richard is building a model ship in a bottle. Could it be because it’s a replica of one he sailed on a very, very long time ago; The Black Rock? I know I’ve put out the Richard is a pharaoh theory, but I have never abandoned my Richard is a pirate theory, and though I never shared it on these pages before, I also have a Richard is a Pirate Pharaoh theory, but I don’t have much stock in that one, mainly because Jolly Rogers don’t sail all that well in Egyptian deserts. The key to deducing correctly in LOST is to cast a wide net. Make up as many theories as you can. You’re bound to get one or two right a season. This ship in a bottle thing is me throwing some credence back to Pirate Richard.

Pearly Whites

Locke the grinning boar-hunting island warrior has returned after a three year absence, and Richard can’t place it, but he knows something’s off about him, and it might be more than Terry O’Quinn’s recent dental work. I got the feeling Richard was never expecting to see old Baldy-locks ever again. I can’t help wondering if Richard hasn’t already set alternative plans in motion to find Locke’s successor. If John Locke bringing dinner was a somewhat welcome surprise to Alpert, his unexpected banquet guest, Ben, was not nearly as well-received.

‘He helped me get back,’ Locke pointed out to Alpert, ominously omitting the small fact that Ben strangled Locke to death in a dingy motel in LA, in order to accomplish that feat.

It’s also certainly worth mentioning that Locke gave Sun his word he’d do everything he in his power to reunite her with not only her husband Jin, but also the rest of the 1977 misfits. It’s a promise Locke doesn’t seem all that intent on keeping as it turns out. Could Locke finally be adapting some of Ben’s tricky shittery into his own island leader playbook? He’s certainly not afraid of Ben anymore, but that seems foolish.

I do care how f@cking powerful this island makes you, a little healthy fear of that bug-eyed manipulator can never be a bad thing.

By The Way

Did I miss something? I watched both ‘compass scenes’ a few time each. When Locke first meets Richard, Locke asks the ageless one if he still has the compass, and Richard pulls it out, tells him it’s a little rusty, ‘but she can still find North.’ At no time does Richard ever hand the compass back to Locke. So later in the show, when Locke has his ‘out of body experience’ he says to Ben I gave him his compass back. Does Richard now have two compasses? Unless I’m missing something vital, it would have made more sense if Locke took the compass from Richard on the beach, and then it would have made more sense for ‘shot in the leg’ Locke to hand the compass back to new dentures Locke.

Another By The Way

Have we seen Widmore’s sidekick around before. You know, the guy who smacks Jack around inside Ellie’s tent. He looks familiar, and maybe I’ve noticed him in the Others camp with Widmore before, but I thought I’ve seen him somewhere else. Maybe my mind is just getting muddled trying to keep everything straight. Some help would be appreciated.

Some Words of Advice to Fickle Chicks.

Jack now believes his/their destiny is to right the future. There are only a handful of 815 survivors who really would change the future if they could, and Jack is one of them. (Sayid would certainly be another) Kate however, clearly has no desire to land in Los Angeles handcuffed to U.S. Marshall Edward Mars. Rose would die of cancer, Locke would remain a paraplegic, Sawyer would be a drifting grifter at best, and Sun and Jin would never have a baby.

Jack, much to Kate’s dismay sees most of his last three years as a series of shittier and shittier nightmares, and Kate has to take a portion of that blame. She screwed with Jack’s (and Sawyer’s) emotions enough to make the good doctor a little jaded in the ways of love. May this serve as a warning for all you ladies who are toying with the affections of more than one man at a time. If you ever find yourself on a magical island 30 years in the past, don’t be surprised if the one of the guy’s whose heart you’ve treated like a ping pong ball decides he may release a hydrogen bomb, reset the future so he never even meets you and sends you to the big house in the process.

Take that Kate!

Doooooooooooooouuuuuuche

Radzinsky is a douche. A serious, f@ckwad douche. Now I know some of you thought I was a little hard on that angry Larry Fine looking sh@t suck last week, but maybe now after seeing him in all of his douchey glory you wouldn’t want him on your softball team. He completely hijacked the power away from Horace, and I half expected him to start waterboarding Sawyer. He did manage to smack to smirk off our favorite conman’s face.

It’s a good thing Juliet was handcuffed when that other little weasel Phil sucker punched her, because based on how she laid out Jack way back when he was captive in the abandoned shark tank, she would have creamed that punk. I think I’d even go so far as to say Elizabeth Mitchell, the actress who plays Juliet could beat up Patrick Fishler, the actor who portrays Phil. I disliked him from the minute he broke up the pot brownie party, and I’m liking him a lot less now. Even Radzinsky thought punching a handcuffed woman is a dick move ‘ and if you were having trouble parsing my delicate code, I think Radzinsky is a f@cking douche.

I guarantee this much – Sawyer will definitely keep his promise of killing Phil. I plan on celebrating with a tray of hallucinogenic chocolate cakes.

Poor Student

So Chang finally gets confirmation that Miles is his child. Thankfully for Miles the Los Angeles School District passed Hurley through the system in spite of his absolute ignorance of U.S. history. Hey, would it have killed anyone to throw Jin a couple lines this episode. He did do a nice comic take when he realized Hurley was unaware there was ever such a thing as the Korean War. I can’t believe Hurley isn’t watching first run episodes of M*A*S*H. He’d love that show.

Out Of Body, Out of Mind

While trekking through the jungle, Richard Alpert inquires, ‘Are you ready to tell me where you’ve been?’ Locke is surprised at how little Richard knows. Informs him he wants to set up a little summit with the mysterious shot-calling Jacob. This is a tad unsettling for both Alpert and Ben. After all, Jacob is not a man you just drop in on, Jacob is a man who summons you.

Locke leads his uninformed charges to a plane neither of these high-powered island hotshots had even heard of before. Locke gives Richard the orders to meet a man coming out of the brush. It was no surprise to any of us this was a going to be a past version of Locke, but it obviously was something of a ‘holy shit’ moment for Ben and Richard.

Schwink!

Here’s something that has always bugged me, and it’s not just a LOST thing.

Injured Locke pulls out his trusty killin’ knife from his leather sheath and just as it did when the scene originally aired in the episode, Because You Left. The sound effects guys couldn’t help but add the ‘shwink’ sound. I’m not a knife expert, or even a foley engineer, but I am sick of that shwink sound when it doesn’t need to be there. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good shwink sound, but I only love deserving shwink sounds. If Locke were pulling his metal knife out of a metallic sheath, then by all means, add a shwink sound, but then I’d be wondering why Locke has a metal sheath. I wouldn’t have to ponder that particular question long however, because it would soon dawn on me that Locke is a big fan of the shwink sound too, and so he’d naturally carry a metal sheath.

Dynamic Duo

While I’ve really enjoyed the last couple LOSTs, I’ve come to realize I’m not ever as happy with LOST as when Ben and Locke share some screen time. The dynamic may have shifted (and if I know Ben, he’ll try to shift it back, despite portentous warnings from his dead adopted/abducted daughter, or at least a reasonable smoky facsimile of the late Alex.

The Return (Again) of Cocky Locke

Ben couldn’t help but admire Locke’s timing. And Locke, just a couple steps away from his Ralph Kramden grandstanding, can’t resist rubbing Ben’s nose in the fact that he’s the island’s favorite son. You’ve seen this Locke many times before. Locke is getting cocky, and Cocky Locke is always punished.

I am still not convinced that Ben hasn’t ever seen Jacob. It’s usually easy to tell when Ben is lying ‘ because his lips are moving. It’s much harder to determine what Ben does or doesn’t know when those thin lips of his are sealed. Ben doesn’t answer Locke when Locke makes the accusation that Ben has never seen Jacob. I believe this is a yes and no answer. Ben probably has seen Jacob the man, but he may never have actually seen Jacob, the enigmatic tortured soul who seems trapped in a disappearing, reappearing spooky jungle cabin. Ben also makes a great guilty ‘Ben face’ when Locke finally tells Richard that Ben killed him.

Deal with the Douchey Devil

Chang quickly realizes who’s now in charge when he busts into the torture room. Sawyer makes a deal with Radzinsky. Put them on the sub, and he’ll tell him whatever he wants to know. Radzinsky makes Sawyer draw a map of the Hostile camp in exchange for their cooperation. Did Sawyer finally break? Lord knows none of us could blame him if he did. The man has done an stellar job as island hero for over three years, but still I was surprised to see him hammer out a deal with Douchey Mc F@ckpants.

Back at the Bomb Pool

Kate refuses to swim under the temple. She can’t bear the thought of erasing the last three years of her life. Mainly, it would seem to a skeptic, because she doesn’t enjoy the notion of spending the rest of her life behind bars, but I also suspect she really enjoys the memory of simultaneously cock-teasing Jack and Sawyer. When she turns her back to walk away, and the gunshots rang, how many of you Kate Haters, or Khaters as I’ve just dubbed us, suddenly felt bad for wishing her a lifetime in the clink? But it was good ol’ half forgotten Sayid to the rescue. Somehow his aim got better, because this time he was able to drop a full-grown man dead as opposed to his poor aim against Lil Ben.

Kate leaves, and warns Jack she’ll be bringing back the troops.

Biff

Like Ben, Hurley believes Sawyer always has a plan. And he does. Only this time it’s Biff’s plan from Back to the Future II. I’m not sure if Doc Brown and Marty McFly will make an appearance in next week’s grand finale, but I don’t think Sawyer is going to get the chance to clean up on the ’78 Super Bowl.

Also, did everyone think Sawyer was going to make sure Juliet was safe, and then surrender himself back into Radzinsky’s custody? The guy jumped out of a moving helicopter and swam six miles back to shore in jeans, but he decided he wasn’t going to play the hero this time. Of course this time he really had a woman who cared for him.

Ode to Shelly Winters

And then there’s one of my other favorite 70’s movies; The Poseidon Adventure. Watching everyone swim to the temple made me recall the late great Shelly Winters, sacrificing her own life so that Ernest Borgnine could one day star as Dominic Santini in television’s Airwolf.

Nice wet rack on Faraday’s mom by the way.

Meet the New Boss

Locke is eager to meet Jacob right now, and it’s making Ben and Richard pretty nervous. Richard really wants to chat with Locke before he makes the pilgrimage to Jacob, but Locke is running things on his own agenda now. The masses welcome Locke, but privately Richard and Ben have their fears. ‘John Locke is going to be trouble.’

Wicked Cool

How about that Boston Southie in the D.I? He has no idea the Red Sox and the Patriots are going to have such ridiculous success in the 2000’s. You can tell that because the guys is not yet a complete dick. Sorry Boston fans, but you’re all dicks now. I liked you all better when you were lovable losers, and I should know about losers. I’m from Philly.

Everything looked very romantic down on that sub ‘ Juliet and Sawyer exchanging ‘I love yous’ and then Kate comes down and ruins the mood. It’s a safe bet Sawyer is NEVER EVER going to talk Juliet into that particular threesome. Sorry Sawyer.

Beneath the Planet of LOST

If you’ve never seen Beneath the Planet of the Apes, do yourself a favor and buy it. Don’t rent it, don’t NetFlix it. Buy it. It needs to be in your library. If you’ve seen it, you’ll get the bomb in the temple refernce. If you haven’t seen it, BUY IT!

And Still More Heston

But this time, the biblical kind. Like Moses through the dessert, Locke leads his people (From the middle of the pack) to the Promised Land (except he’ll be breaking some promises along the way.)

Ben is still a manipulating swine. ‘I’m here to follow you now. ‘ he brown noses to Locke, who is too busy being full of himself to recognize Ben’s lips firmly around Locke’s puckered anus.

After dropping a little hint of dissention in the ranks, Ben is happy to feel he’s fooled Locke again, and is hit quite by surprise with Locke’s latest bombshell.

Locke plans to kill Jacob, but is this really as malevolent as it sounds? Locke himself was killed, and it seems to have served a greater good. Locke is certainly in tune with the island in a way Ben or even long, long, long-time island resident Richard Alpert have never been.

It seems to me that Jacob, the island and Smokie are three separate entities; each with their own separate agendas. Sometimes the agendas match up, and at other times the specifics are at odds. Locke is definitely an island guy. Ben is being watched carefully by Smokie. I may be wrong about this, and if I am I will fall back on any other one of my hundred and fifty theories, and console myself with that.

In Closing

So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, (Imperative if you’re expecting to verify if a compass is ever transferred) make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, (For multiple viewings, and freeze framing purposes immediately after watching the show the first time.) keep your laptop nearby, (You’ll never know when you might need to Google to find the nearest DVD store so you can buy Beneath the Planet of the Apes.) load up that bong, (For some of us, LOST isn’t our only drug of choice.) and get ready to get LOST.