Kelvin Inman to The Powers That Be
To the DHARMA Initiative:
HELLO! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME!!!??? IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE??? Just what the hell did you people get me into? I’ve been stuck in this ‘Swan’ for a couple of years now with this nut Stuart Radzinski. And now we don’t hear anything from the rest of you. What gives? Stu is driving me nuts with the continuous rearranging of the furniture. Then he insists that I help him with a invisible map that can only be seen under black light during a lockdown. Do you people ever perform psychriatric evaluations on the people you put down here? Stu keeps pacing up and down in front of the sealed area muttering something about ‘keep drilling’ and ‘Linus.’ What possible connection is there between a Peanuts character and drilling? And I won’t even go into detail about bunny #4. You better get hold of the SPCA quick. Stu also keeps requesting Oldham’s Brownies, Sub OJ, and Possum Souffle for dinner. Haven’t you people ever heard of screening? To sum everything up: GET ME OUT OF HEAR!!!
Seriously P.O.’d
Kelvin Inman
this would make much better viewing than Big Brother!
That’s what the Pearl is for. Perhaps CBS got the idea from the DI.
Dear Kelvin, the truth of the matter is, that we could not find anyone who would accompany Stuie down to the Swan. Even Oldham’s torturing devices couldn’t bring any takers!
We had to get rid of him, as he turned into a real ‘Johnny Rocket’ of sorts, going off on everyone around here, except that ‘kook’ Linus. I think there was something very odd going on between those two!
Linus has not been the same since Stuie was removed from the remainder of our group, but has managed to find comfort elsewhere, with Phil.
We had no choice but to recruit somebody from the outside to keep him company, and that somebody was you! You do have everyone’s condolences, however. That’s why we placed cameras inside of the station. It has become a regularly watched show of sorts, around here!
Btw, when you told there would be a recruit to replace you, that was a clever lie which was told to you. How’s that for screening?
I shall remain nameless, in case you ever find me on this island!
PS: We have arranged with Dr. Chang to send down some nice rabbit stew for dinner. Just make sure there isn’t any numbers on them. Numbers 4 and 8 are missing!
Sincerely having a laugh at your expense,
Dharmaville Secret Operative
Ha Ha, very funny. Do you know what he just did?. Stu just used the escape hatch as a bathroom. Now I’ll have to quarentine that area, I’m grateful that you at least had the forethought to provide haz-mat suites. So I take ite this means there is no hope of voting him off the Island?
Onto other business, could you at least provide me with jumpsuits that have some cheerful colors. Everything is a drab gray down here. Another thing that would be a big help is if you updated the music library. Come on get me some Zepplin or Floyd. It would help me to space out and ignore Stu’s incoherent rambling and drooling.
I got to go now. Stu is trying to stuff a bunny #4 down the drain.
GET ME OUT OF HERE
Kelvin
Dear Kelvin,
In response to your recent requests, I will try and address each one you have made.
It would appear that Stuie’s usage of the ‘escape hatch’ for a bathroom, is indicative of him not wanting you to have an escape route from him.
We attempted to vote him off of ‘the island’, but not even one of the Galaga’s men, were willing to make that ride with him.
You’ll be happy to know that Phil is going to tie-die your Hazmat suits for you, to make them more colourful and representative of the 70’s.
Unfortunately, ever since the incident with the psilocybin, we find that Stu responds much better to music by KC & The Sunshine Band and other soft disco tunes.
The ‘heavy metal’ music seems to make him more aggressive and much more agitated!
We did note the dancing lessons you have been giving Stu, seem to keep him in a more positive and happy frame of mind. In particular, the ‘Marvin Gaye’ tune, ‘Sexual Healing’. It must bring back memories of happier times! (for both of you)!
As for bunny #4, we have found that Stu has issues with it. He had been attempting to get rid of it in Dr. Chang’s time-travel chambers. He thinks bunny #4 is really bunny #8. He thinks bunny #4 is x 2 = bunny #8, and its messing with him.
Please don’t be too concerned about Stu’s ramblings and incoherent statements. You’ll get used to it. That is what the make-believe vaccine is for. It will help to keep Stu calm and you more able to tolerate him!
If that fails, we are sending down a weapon to be at your disposal.
The horror, the horror. I just managed to get into that other room and what Radzinski has planned in there is just horrifying. I’ve managed to rescue bunny #4 and set it loose. I had to lock Stu in the store room because he got extremely emotional. The furniture is back where it belongs and I have one final concern. Do you have anything to remove stains from concrete?
Dear Kelvin, who are you trying to kid? We have that little episode caught on film! I must say I was shocked to find out that Stu has so much affection for you!
Because we all hate him so much, I am willing to cover for you, and destroy the tape, in return for a small favour. lol
I also want to get off of this ‘island’. I have a plan to get a sailboat here. It isn’t the most ideal situation, but it would provide somebody to take over your duties in the Swan, and get us out of here.
Remember, I am watching your every move so don’t try to do anything to cross me, or your next bunkie will be Linus! When it comes ot punishment, I believe in the harshest methods!
lol Another enjoyable roast, Achalli!
I’m glad you loved it. I’ll be switching gears away from DHARMA for the next one.
lol Achalli, I can’t wait! Please give me a week to feel better. It’s hard to tap into my creative side right now!
I love these posts! It’s so much fun!
No problem Dabs. It’ll give me a chance to pull info together for the next one. All I’ll say is that the next one will not be DHARMA centric and I plan on doing a different format.