A letter from DHARMA to the Hostiles
Dear Mr. Alpert,
We have recently recieved complaints from several residents of our Dharmaville Community on the Island. The complaints are in regard to your pet smoke monster, I believe his name is Smokey, and range from loud animal like noises, machine like noises, uprooting of trees, trampling of gardens, hole digging, and invasion of privacy due to unwarrented scanning of minds. There have also been several incidents where some residents have been chased by your Smokey and a few residents have sustained injury and/or death due to your pets overly enthusiastic playfulness. If you do not take measurres to control your pet we will be forced to report you to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Smoke Monsters (SPCSM).
Sincerely,
Horace Goodspeed
Dharmaville Community Director
I was just thinking what it would be like if Dharma was a gated community and the Others were the rowdy neighbors across the street. I figured everyone would get a smile from this.
Dear Mr Goodspeed,
In light of the recent situations and problems you have had with our Smoke Monster, we have resorted to tags and paperwork for identification purposes for our “Smokey”. Theses are all signed and notarized by the SPCSM’s spokesperson, and Smokeys only known summoner, Mr. Benjamin Linus, and co-initialed by one Mr. M.I.B.
We have already allowed your community to thrive on our energy enriched land, even granting permission of a fence to keep our “puppy” out of your yard.
Any breach of contract and trespass onto our private property is thereby left to our “guard dog” to resort to any means necessary to protect our valuable land.
The noise complaints of the patrons of your community that seem to bother you so compare nothing in regards to the complaints we have been dealing with here by our “other” inhabitants.
1)Constant trespass onto our propery, resulting in the deaths of 2 of our family by a guest to your community, one “Mr. Jim LaFleur”.
2)Overpopulation. Your community shuttles in more and more people every few months, and with the recent arrival of your scientific team, you are now over the population limit, and even continue to allow your people to reproduce at an alarming rate compared to the way “others” have done things before your settlement.
3)Noise. If you feel that you are bothered by the occasional, familiar noises that our monster produces, imagine the way our small colony feels.
The noise produced by your almost constant construction work keeps us up day and night.
Early hours, planting several bombshelter like coccoons in the ground ALL around the island.
Up until now, we have taken these problems with a grain of salt.
If our having a security system bothers you as it seems, we are to assume that you are planning something that would breach the rules of the agreement we have had for quite some time.
On that note, we highly reccommend at this time…
-You cease drilling, draining, and abusing our natural resources. We suggest to conclude the overall construction very quickly.
-Carefully choose the side of the property line, you step onto.
-Cease from bringing any more people from the outside world to OUR island.
Any disobedience of the suggestions or demands made above will result in overall banishment from the island, or we will simply conduct an influential purge of occupants who choose not to follow the rules.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, but we feel it is necessary to the progress that the islands owner and true proprietor, MR. Jacobs.
Thank you,
Richard Alpert
Mr. Jacobs personal advisor
PS- If you do not think this is a reasonable request, please don’t kill us out by the use of lethal gas. There are other ways we can work this out.
Dear Mr. Alpert,
We appreciate the measures you have taken in securing tags and the required paperwork for you Smoke Monster. However I would like to point out that a fence would not have been needed in the first place if you would simply put a leash on that thing. Obediance training would seem to be in order also.
As to the other concerns you have raised:
1)Although it is regretable that 2 of your family died I would like to remind you that our two residents were simply having a picnic. It was your 2 ‘family’ members that arrived univited and brandishing guns. It was also one of your 2 ‘family’ members that fired the first shot. At the time of this occurance Mr. Jim LaFleur was neither a member of our community nor was he a guest. Mr. LaFleur simply defended our resident against 2 trigger happy members of your so called family. If your ‘family’ were not so quick to pull a gun on other people then maybe these ‘misunderstandings’ can be avoided.
2)At the time that our agreement was worked out there was no talk about a ‘population limit.’ We have the right to bring in anyone we want and do not recognize your authority to impose a limit. As to the matter of reproduction we do not dictate to our residents what they should and should not do in their bedrooms. Just because your ‘family’ has fertility problems does not mean you should take it out on our residents. Maybe if you behaved like civilized neighbors we would help you with your problem.
3)The construction is necessary in the pursuit to save the human race. Although the work we do may cause some minor inconvveniences in the short term, the long term benefits will more than make up for it. We suggest that you stop camping near our construction sites. As to the so called ‘coccons,’ we have been placing our stations underground and covering them over so as to enable us to carry out our work without displacing nature. If you would stop your constant raids on us the construction schedule would not be behind as it is.
On a final note we believe that this ‘Mr. Jacob’ does not exist. No one seems to be able to describe him, nor do they claim to have actually spoken to him. As it seems that you, Mr. Alpert, are the only one who claims to have any contact and will not allow him to conduct any negotiation in person we can only conclude that this ‘Jacob’ character is a figment of your imagination.
Kind regards,
Horace Goodspeed
Dharmaville Community Director
Dear Mr. Goodspeed,
I regret having to contact you again so soon, but I have just received information about some other matters that require your immediate attention.
One incident involves yourself, Mr. Goodspeed. On an evening when you were highly intoxicated, you were witnessed at the Sonar Fence, throwing sticks of dynamite at Smokey. In addition to being a vigilant ‘guard dog’, he is also our beloved ‘Island Mascot’. Please do not torment him!
The second incident, which is far more egregious, IMO involves one of your Dharma ‘workmen’ by the name of Roger Linus. One of our leaders, Ellie has informed me that he has been peering in at the ladies whilst they are showering! She finds this most repugnant! We are certain that it is Roger Linus, by the vast number of Dharma Beer cans, leading back to your compound.
I would ask that you address these concerns, in a timely fashion. Ellie is not a woman to be ‘trifled’ with, and has vowed revenge on Mr. Linus, should she catch him in the act again. IMO, he would have a better chance with our ‘Island Mascot’ than he would with her. She has been known to shoot first, and ask questions later.
Sincerely,
Ricardus Alpert
lol.. smokey gets an ASBO lol
Dear Mr. Alpert,
Although I deeply regret the unfortunate incedent of my intoxication it is non of your business and is being dealt with by my superiors. As to the acussations of me throughing sticks of dynamite at your precious Smokey, it was an act of self defense. Althogh we do not object to you having a ‘guard dog,’ this Smoke Monster needs to be brought under control. Haven’t you people heard of a safe word? And where do you get off calling this monstrosity a mascot. There is nothing cuddly or cheerful about a black cloud of smoke that roams around grabbing people, throughing them in the air, ripping off arms and legs, or dragging them into a deep dark hole.
As to the supposed incedent involving Mr. Linus, I am having our Dharmaville Police Chief, Mr. LaFleur, look into the matter. If he feels it is warrented disciplinary measures will be taken against Mr. Linus.
On another matter one of your ‘family’ members, Mr. Sayid Jarrah, was caught sneaking around the Flame. He will be held for questioning in the matter. I suggest that you hold a ‘family’ meeting and reinstruct your people about the agreed upon conditions.
Namaste,
Horace Goodspeed
Dharmaville Community Director
Dear Mr. Alpert,
Having just received your recent round of correspondence, it occurs to me that your people refer to us as ‘hostiles’. I find your attitude and tone regarding these matters to be quite hostile, and therefore request, you take it down a notch, ‘cowboy’ when addressing me.
As for our guard dog, I can only say, that it has never attacked any of our ‘people’. It is unfortunate that some of your group has suffered due to his playful antics. Like all dogs, he likes to play with a bone or two, every now and again! I admit, that he can get a little frisky! This is why we refer to it, as our ‘Island Mascot’. All the more reason, not to entice him.
It is good to know that you are being disciplined by your superiors, and I know that Mr. Lafleur is a no-nonsense kind of man, and will deal accordingly with Mr. Linus. He needs as many 12 step programs as ‘Stuart Smalley’.
I will however, inform Ellie to still be on the look-out for Mr. Linus. I might recommend that he not walk in front of her. Long story, just ask somebody about her son.
Sincerely irritated,
Ricardus Alpert
Der Mr. Alpert,
The term ‘hostile’ is an apt desription of your group. Ever since we’ve arrived here your group has constantly threatened us both verbally and physically. If you had been more welcoming when we first arrived we may have been able to avert these confrontations. As has been stated in previous letters to you, your group has a habit of pulling a gun on any person they do not recognize and then are hell bent on shooting the stranger before the stranger has a chance to explain the situation. To make matters worse you yourself keep threatening to purge the Dharmaville Community. And you wonder why we refer to your group as ‘hostiles?’
As to the matter of your guard dog we are looking into new protcols to protect our residents from this aggressive creature. Please note that these will be defensive measures only and will include strengthening of the sonar fence and the possible adaptaion and installation of a ROVER type system similar to the one used in the Village.
Mr. LaFleur has informed me that he has completed his investigation into the Roger Linus/Ellie incident and has found that Ellie snuck into Linus’ house through an adjacent tunnel. She then proceded to use the shower in his bathroom. Upon further investigation we have discovered more tunnels of yours under Dharmaville. And you lecture us about digging into the earth?
When you see fit to reign in your family and pet and refrain them from encroaching on our sonar fence and/or tunneling into our villas I would be more than happy to arrange a meeting between the two of us. This of course will be at a mutually agreed to time and location in neutral territory. I look forward to your timely response.
Namaste,
Horace Goodspeed
Dharmaville Community Director
Dear Mr. Goodspeed,
You seem to forget that this is OUR island, not yours! You and your people are allowed to remain on this island, as long as you and they, abide by OUR rules.
When you or your people fail to abide by our rules, than we can become quite hostile. We have repeatedly requested that you and they NOT cross over OUR line.
Our tunnels have existed for a very long time, Mr. Goodspeed. Long before you and your people came to this island. They have many uses, including our ability to ‘keep tabs’ on you and your people.
As for our guard dog, he has a long memory, so if he becomes agitated, there is no telling what the consequences might be. I strongly recommend that you and your people stay away from him!
Our investigation into the Linus/Ellie incident, shows it was Roger Linus on OUR property. Ellie has assured me, that she would rather be set on fire than to have anything to do with your Mr. Linus, and I believe her!
To further address Mr. Linus’ allegations regarding somebody in his shower, our investigation indicates this was your own, Mr. Radzinsky, who was heard shouting, “keep drilling”. To this allegation, I will say no more!
As for the allegation of Mr. Sayid Jarrah being one of our people, I can neither confirm nor deny. I can only confirm, that we know of him.
As per your request about a meeting, I have taken up this matter with Jacob. He has recommended that your group and ours get together one afternoon. He assures me that it will be ‘a gas’ for you and your people. I look forward to it.
Hopefully, this concludes these matters between us.
PS: Mr. Goodspeed, we really are a peaceful group of people. We’re ‘the good guys’, after all!
Sincerely,
Ricardus Alpert
Keep drilling dabs I love it
LOL Dabs, LOL. I can’t stop laughing from that last one. Nice.
LOL Achalli, I couldn’t stop laughing when I typed it! Good thing, it’s not late at night, after I’ve had a few drinks! hahaha
This was a fun post! Thanks for allowing me to indulge myself! haha
Dabs, fun is what it is all about. This originated in a class I’m taking to brush up on my computer skills. I had to write a complaint letter and this is what I came up with. I just couldn’t keep it to myself.
While I’ve got you attention I was wondering if you have ever seen ‘The Prisoner’? I haven’t seen it in awhile and it has a lot of things that are similar to Lost. I hear that AMC is doing a remake of it to bee shown at the end of the year.
haha!!
Achalli, nicely done! To answer your question about The Prisoner, I have seen the original with Patrick McGoohan in re-runs years ago.
The newer version of the show does air here, but I haven’t caught an episode of it yet, as it’s on at a time which isn’t all that convenient for me. However, it is my intent to see it.
Please keep me posted on the update! I would be very interested!
Achalli, I just found this on Wikipedia about The Prisoner!
A remake, in the works since 2005,is slated to premiere in November as a miniseries on AMC, in cooperation with British broadcaster ITV. On 25 April 2008, ITV announced that a new series of The Prisoner would go into production, and in June 2008, that American actor James Caviezel will star in the role of Number 6, with Sir Ian McKellen taking on the role of Number 2 in all six episodes.
As of May 2009 the shooting for the new series was completed. The new Village is located in a desert tropical area instead of Wales.
Sounds really cool!
I have to check out what is airing on tv at present called The Prisoner. It is British, but a newer version. I’ll let you know! Thanks for the heads up on this Achalli!
Dabs, the mini series is the remake that iwas refering to. I just recently looked at pictures on AMC’s site and the houses in the new Village look eerily like the barracks on the Island. I was not aware of a new British version so any info you can find about it is appreciated.
I know that someone had posted something about The Prisoner here awhile ago but it seemed to have gotton lost in the shuffle. I’ve decided that I’ll work on a theory for the possible connections. Maybe DHARMA was an R&D front for the Village?
On to other news, I heard that Horace was quite stunned be Richard’s latest letter and will be responding soon.
Dabs, here is a little bit of eery coincidence. Right after I posted my last comment I went to the Home section and scrooled down to the bottom. Sitting over in the random posts section was the very post that I was refering to. It is by Solamina and entitled ‘Anyone Else a Fan of The Prisoner And Noticed the Similarities?’
The Island at work again.
Achalli, it is strange how ‘the island’ operates! lol
I can’t wait for the mini-series! The actors are phenomenal, so it should be very good!
I will check out the series called the Prisoner here. I assumed it was a British remake because much of our programming is British tv., but…. I’ll let you know.
PS: No doubt Horace was stunned! That Radzinsky fellow and Roger Linus are definitely two men I wouldn’t want to ‘tango’ with! lol
Dabs, ever since that last Alpert letter I can’t help but laugh when I rewatch the episodes at the end of season 5. I’m begining to wonder what exactly Radzinsky was doing at the Flame all alone. Then there’s that sealed off section off the Swan, it makes me wonder…
lol Achalli, there may be a very good reason why they locked Radzinsky up in the Swan Station! hahaha
And, just maybe it WAS Kelvin who finally ‘offed him’, for reasons I won’t get into to! haha lol
Dabs I got more mileage out of this than I expected to. I’ve got a couple of more ideas for letters kicking around so be on the lookout for them.
Achalli, I shall watch for them! lol
OMG! How did I overlook this post? Good work Achalli and Dab’s, I can’t stop laughing!!!
“He assures me that it will be