DHARMA DATA: the DHARMA Initiative Newsletter
Namaste and welcome to this edition of our island newsletter. First I would like to welcome our new recruits to the DHARMA Initiative and want to ensure you that we will do whatever we can to assist you in the transition to your new home. I would urge you to pay close attention to all the orientation films and videos as they contain important information about your safety and the vital work being performed on the island. The most important of these films will pertain to the hostile indigenous population but I assure you that we are protected by a top-notch security team led by Mr. Lafleur. I would also like to caution you about the many rumors you may hear. One of the more imaginative ones concerns a ‘monster’ roaming the island. although there is some unusual wildlife on the island we are protected by a state of the art sonic fence and any rumors about a monster are just that; rumors.
Many of you have expressed concern about what exactly is being done at the Orchid. Some of the more far-fetched rumors concern time traveling bunnies. Let me assure you that the Orchid is nothing more than a botanical research station and that the rabbits are not being harmed. The reason for the numbering of the rabbits is that they are proving to live up to their reputation for multiplying. We are not, I repeat NOT, conducting time travel experiments at the Orchid.
The Lamp Post, our off island ‘weather’ observatory, has informed us to expect some rather unusually cold temperatures in the near future. Parkas will be distributed to all personal before the arrival of the cold weather.
The personal at the Hydra would like to remind everyone to NOT FEED THE BEARS. The work being done with them involves using food as a reward and the feeding of the bears by unauthorized personal defeats the purpose of the research being conducted. The Hydra is a research station, not a petting zoo.
The Tempest has reported the recent disappearance of a large amount of gas masks. If anyone has any information pertaining to the disappearance please contact Security Chief LaFleur.
Although the participation in different sporting activities during off duty hours is encouraged we would like to request that you do not stage your games near the sonic fence. The activities, particulary baseball, are attracting the unique island wildlife that the fence is designed to keep out.
We thank you in advance for your cooperation and wish you well.
Namaste.
I would like to add some additional news regarding the weekly Dharmaville Dance this past Saturday night.
My team and I have discovered the reason why everyone was so talkative that evening, and hungry!
One of our surveillance tapes caught Oldham putting some sugar cubes into the punch bowl. He was also responsible for making the brownies!
While there were only minor incidences reported as a result of his antics, the Dharmaville jail was ‘humming’. This has caused a major inconvenience for myself and my security team.
Fortunately, our fearless leader Horace only suffered minor effects from consuming too many brownies! But, we are now out of Malomars!
The most serious problems that occurred, were from Oldham himself. His Tee-pee was found trashed. Be on the lookout for him, as I am pretty sure he is ‘high on his own supply’.
We’ve now located Stu, and he’s tucked away nicely in our cell over here, but he hasn’t shut-up since we brought him in. He keeps mumbling about Linus, and ‘they know about the Swan’.
If he doesn’t settle down, I swear I’m going to torture Oldham myself when we find him!
We expect that we’ll have things back to normal soon, but make sure you avoid the Punch Bowl and the Brownies at next weeks Dance, just to be on the safe side.
Jim LaFleur
Head of Security
& Dharmaville Babysitter
Dharmaville Babysitter…FOMCL Dabs!
I would like to report a Oldham sighting near the sonic fence. He was wearing a wool cap, had quarters in his ears and kept talking to his imaaginary brothers Daryl and Daryl. He was also quite insistent about courting one Miss Stephanie. Anyone know who this Stephanie is? Oldjam seem rather enamored with her.
Thanks for the update on the ‘Oldham’ sighting! A few more have trickled into my office, that we are investigating.
Several Dharma members seen Oldham fighting with himself! He was overheard saying; “tell LaFleur it wasn’t me who spiked the punch bowl and laced the brownies, it was Tyler Durden” Oldham is one messed up dude!
Then, he said something about a “Project Mayhem”.
Also, please be on the lookout for any compounds or devices that can be used for explosive devices. Somebody has broken into the Station, and some potentially dangerous things have gone missing.
If anyone can elaborate on any of the above information, I’d appreciate it. In particular, who is Stephanie, who is Tyler Durden, and what is Project Mayhem?
I sense an incident coming on! Damn Hippies!
Keep me informed.
As always,
Jim LaFleur
Head of Security
& Dharmaville Babysitter
I may have some information for you regarding the identity of this ‘Stephanie.’
About 10 or 15 years ago I stayed at this little inn up in Vermont, they employed a maid named Stephanie. Here’s the weird thing, next to this inn was a rat hole of a cafe ran by three brothers and the oldest of the brothers looked like a younger version of Oldham. There may be a connection. If they do turn out to be the same person for god’s sake don’t let him near the kitchen. We could all end up eating possum souffle.
I would like to report that I just saw Phil sneak into Stu’s house with a bunch of video tapes. Shortly after I noticed some of the new recruits moving across the compound with what appeared to be a nuclear bomb.
While we’re on the subject of complaints the lunch delivery to the Orchid the other day smelled rancid and ever since I’ve arrived on this island I see dead people. Just what the hell was in that orange juice?
i would just like say about this project mayhem if you get a invite do not join i got in and was hugely dissapointed after learning my secret handshake and getting my password (MARVIN) i found out that is was a supreme being cult and everyone kept walking round muttering Meatloaf with tits does it get any better.
Dear Dharma Member Achalli,
I’ll be on the lookout for Stephanie, as that rancid smell you reported coming from the kitchen, was possum souffle!
As for Stu and Phil, I have reason to suspect they are Daryl and Daryl.
SOB, now I have to tell everyone to stay away from the OJ. What next?
Dear Dharma Member Samson,
I was asked to join! But, he said you’d say that!
As for Meatloaf, maybe it wasn’t the Possum Souffle that was smelling up the kitchen!
If anybody tries to hug me or give me a secret handshake that looks like that guy Meatloaf, there will be one more dead guy walking around on this island!
Must sign off, I just found out what Stu & Phil are up to! If you have a gas mask, I suggest you put it on!
Jim LaFleur
Head of Security
& Dharmaville Babysitter
Dear Head of security and Dharmaville babysitter
I would just like to point out that on my last visit to project mayhem I have to sadly announce that meatloaf has passed away but all the members kept doing was say in unison HIS NAME WAS ROBERT PAULSON while stood round a table with his body on. And yes I have also noticed the stench of possum souffle coming from the kitchen but don’t you think putting on a gas mask is going a bit far just open a window or something
yours sincerly
Dharma recruit Samson
DHARMA Babysitter,
Just how does one go from working in the motorpool to working as a docotor in the infirmary? I have some condiderable medical knowledge and yet I’m stuck mopping up after Linus all the time. Do you realize how much that guy pukes?
Thanks,
J.S.
Dear Dharma Recruit Samson,
Sorry to hear about your friend Paulson, but there is no doubt in my mind, that you will see him again on ‘the island’, at some point.
The stench from the kitchen was neither meatloaf or possum souffle. Somebody was trying to make soap. I don’t know who would want to use that foul smelling stuff, but I think Stu and Phil know more than they’re letting on.
Dear J.S.,
About your request to work in the infirmary, it looks like we can use some additional help. Most of the men in Dharmaville are walking around with cuts and bruises. They refuse to talk about how their injuries occurred!
As for your medical knowledge, maybe all you need is a little push, so consider the job yours.
Don’t worry about Linus and cleaning up after him anymore. Oldham was captured by the Hostiles, running naked through the jungle. It appears he had been suffering from a bad case of insomnia, and finally just ‘lost it’. After a little rest, I will assign him the job of cleaning up after Linus.
I hope this concludes all of the recent problems we’ve been having. I didn’t know that becoming head of security in Dharmaville would be so time consuming and problematic.
The Hostiles have proven to be better behaved than most of you are!
Sincerely exhausted,
Jim LaFleur
Head of Security
& Dharmaville Babysitter
As always nicely done Dabs.
Dear Head of security and Dharmaville babysitter
I would just like to inform you about stu and phil and their soap making going on in the kitchen, I have noticed them late at night sneaking about stealing bags of fat from the medical waste bins out the back of the Dharma beauty center I don’t no if their is any connection but I thought you should check it out.
On another note I too have noticed all the men in Dharmaville walking around covered in cuts and bruises but I beleve this is because a lot of them have started meeting after hours down on the beech and I also beleve that if it’s their first nite their they have to take part in the activitys.
I hope you no I have broke the first two rules telling you this so if you please could you keep this information between us, thankyou
yours sincerly
Dharma recruit Samson
Dear Dharma Recruit Samson,
I am aware of the rules you have broken! I won’t tell you how I know, because that would be breaking the other rule, of ‘don’t ask any questions’.
You’re in enough trouble already!
Sincerely,
Jim LaFleur
HOS & Dharmaville babysitter
(that’s head of security, not head of household for all you Big Brother fans)
PS: Achalli and Samson You guys are great! Well done!
Once again, we have managed to interject and twist the events on Lost!
Who says there is no such thing as changing the past! lol
Samson, you just had to remind me of the man-boobs from that movie! It was one of those visions I could have lived without! lol
Lol dabs but I think it was you who outshined us all with your reponces I love how you pick at the little things and make them funny and what do you mean a image you could do with out I’m sorry but if it existed I would join that supreme being cult meatloaf is god and with tits he is the supreme being can you image him singing objects in the rearview mirror with your head sat nestled between them, life would be good lol
lol Samson, my girlfriends and I have been improvising for years, changing our own real life situations into the fantastically bizarre!
Humour can be found in just about any situation. The more salacious, scandalous and outrageous, the funnier it all is!
Now, I must ask you not to place that vision in my head again! It is both humorous, and sickening at the same time! lol
I’ve got more planned. It’s fun putting these up and seeing what Dabs does with them, especially with DHARMA, there’s so much to work with there.