Joe’s Weekly, Lengthy, Humorous LOST Article

Just 4 Hours Left
With a mere 4 hours left of our favorite program, I felt like this episode was good, but not as good as I was expecting. It was like sitting down and seeing a pile of bacon in front of you, but when you put the bacon in your mouth, there’s something not right about it. Not that it isn’t delicious – that can’t be the case, because bacon is never not delicious. It’s just that this particular batch of bacon, delicious as it was, was not as delicious as bacon usually is. Still and all, it was pretty good bacon, and pretty good bacon beats the hell out of excellent corned beef hash. (And I like corned beef hash – it just can’t hold a candle to bacon.)

Pause For Dramatic Effect
We open up to John Locke waking up in his hospital bed. Dr. Jack Shephard smiling beside him. Jack informs the groggy Locke that he might be a “candidate” (hold for dramatic pause) for a new type of surgical procedure to help him walk again. The news intrigues Locke momentarily, but as it turns out, Locke has his own reasons for staying wheelchair bound. There’s something this Locke ain’t saying, but the good thing about the Safe Landing Universe (SLU) versions of these characters is they don’t make us wait 3 seasons before we start to figure out their secrets.
Speaking of secrets, many of us suspected Rose knew something strange was happening way back during that successful plane landing at the beginning of this season. It would appear, thanks to the odd musical scoring and his own dramatic pausing after he uttered the words “flight 815,” that Rose’s husband Bernard is also in on the game. (Perhaps this is how Rose knew Bernard could not have been dead back when he was a a member of the Tailies way back when.) Truth be told, Rose and Bernard seem to know more than they let on since last season when the couple asked Juliet if she’d like to stay for tea.
Bernard, citing doctor/patient confidentiality refused to give Jack any info on Locke’s preexisting condition, but I suspect this was more ancient island rules than some sort of medical ethics. He does hand Jack a slip of paper that reads, “Anthony Cooper, ” and like island-bound Kate just a few episodes prior, bids Jack goodbye with the words, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Lapidus, Key Parties and Sex Cages
Island-bound Kate in the meantime is about relive some old memories of cage sex with Sawyer — except this time there’s going to be plenty more witnesses. Something about the way Lapidus keeps his shirt unbuttoned to his navel tells me this won’t be Frank’s first time in a cage with three other dudes and two chicks.
Widmore assures his captives he is placing them behind bars for their own good. While Sawyer finds that hard to believe, I don’t. I also think it’s entirely possible Widmore would have kacked Kate in the head just to get the 815ers in the cages. Luckily for her, Sawyer knew Kate’s name was crossed off, so he complied without finding out if Widmore was bluffing or not. Widmore, while not a traditional white hat wearing good guy, is definitely working for the good guy’s side. He’s not doing this out of a sense of right or wrong, but more likely out of a sense of guilt over what his greed and lust for power has done to him. (Let his son die, isolated his daughter, and driven an irreparable wedge between himself and the love of his life.)
Unfortunately for Lapidus’ libido, that big dark misty plume of prudishness, the Smoke Monster, is going to piss all over the sex cage orgy before it even gets interesting. Sayid cuts the power, Smokey starts tossing bodies, and Kate, who has the shortest arms in the entire cage is the one reaching for the keys. Luckily, (for everyone except horndog Lapidus) it’s Action Jack to the rescue, and he springs the gang out of the pokey, just like in the good ol’ days.

It’s all About Character
I have always enjoyed the attention to individual characters on this show, so I was happy to see Sawyer, who angrily commanded Jack to “jump ship” a few hours before, offered the doc a penitent thanks. That simple 2-second exchange said quite a bit about Sawyer’s integrity, but it said even more about the writer’s love and respect for each of these fictional individuals. Of course Sawyer would be grateful to be released, and of course Sawyer would feel conflicted about accepting help from a man he turned his back on only a couple of hundred minutes ago. But Sawyer, the contrite former conman turned hero would never allow his pride to come before his masculine code of honor.

Nice Bullets Weakling
A few miles away, Smlocke is so damn masculine that bullets only annoy him. By the way, did anyone do their homework on this guy? Surely Widmore was aware ordinary weaponry was no match for the legendary Man in Black. Sonic fences are a deterrent, so why not equip your military team with handheld versions of that particular disincentive. I don’t know if sonic guns exist, but with Widmore’s resources and his knowledge of what doesn’t work on Smlocke, you’d think he would have brought a few experimental prototypes along for his goons to fire. They couldn’t do any worse.
And so like a 76th level Deathknight slicing through a few 3rd level Tree Druids, Smlocke enters the Ajira, only to find the cabin is rigged with explosives. Smlocke is only too happy to smile his sinister smile and blame the potentially volatile situation on Widmore. Personally I will assume ol’ Charles had nothing to do with the C4 bricks, as it was more likely Richard, Miles and Ben who were responsible for setting up the bombs. I will also assume Ben knew a place back in New Otherton where they could get their hands on the charges. Regardless, Smlocke took the opportunity to place the blame on Widmore, and Sawyer took the opportunity to take Smlocke into his confidence and guarantee his allegiance to Smlocke.
Of course, as good a con artist as Sawyer is he can’t beat the devil at his own game. That’s why Charlie Daniels challenged him to a fiddle playin’ contest. Everyone with a lick of sense knows the devil’s natural musical instrument is the accordion.

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy
If Jack has figuratively traded places with the original man of faith, John Locke this season, it appears Sawyer has taken up Jack’s old mantra of act first, regret later. Sawyer’s main complaint with Jack’s leadership abilities was that Jack never took the time to develop a real plan. He just went in firing all cold and reactionary-like. Suddenly Sawyer has lost his tactical edge and he’s learning the hard way that leading on the fly is a much bigger gamble.
Jack on the other hand, is happy to turn the reigns over to anyone else who wants the responsibility of the lives of others. He’s willing to go ahead with Sawyer’s plan of push the monster in the water and maybe he’ll melt, but after Kate is shot, and Claire is too close to Smlocke to rescue, Jack is aboard the sub he vowed to not board, and they’re running as silent as they are deep. Exactly as Smlocke planned; and quicker than you can say “I hate this new internet speak,” Sawyer gets pwned!

Khaters Everywhere Rejoice, Then Regurgitate.
So how many of you Khaters squealed with delight when our Katie took a bullet above the heart you didn’t think she had. Hey, I used to be one of you guys. I detested that fickle crotch-teasing wench as much any of you, but this season, and perhaps it’s because she hasn’t had much screen time, I don’t dislike her nearly as much as I used to. I still don’t want to see her end up with Jack or Sawyer (and again, I give the Joe Oesterle Double Your Money Back Guarantee that Sawyer will end up with Juliet) but I’m no longer openly wishing for her death. (That specific passion is now reserved for the character Chloe Sullivan on Smallville. Don’t forget to read my weekly reviews on that show within the confines of this very website. Die Chloe, die!)

Time to Wake Up, Jack.
Back on the SLU, Jack’s is not done rescuing people — whether they want his help or not. He coincidentally runs into Locke’s fiancé, Helen after deducing Anthony Cooper is a resident. This Anthony Cooper however does not seem to have the scheming double-crossing and murderous back-story of the Anthony Cooper we have all come to know and loathe. This Anthony Cooper is a sad invalid worthy of our sympathy. Karmic justice perhaps.
At Locke’s bedside a snoozing Locke is talking nonsense in his sleep. “Push the button” and “I wish you had trusted me.” Again, we can go back the plane ride in this season’s opener where Rose encouraged Jack to “wake up.” Before Jack has a chance to ask John about his dreams, in walks his new little sister, Claire and she’s got some mysteries of her own.

Mirrors and Redemption
Why did “our” dad give me this music box with a MIRROR inside, and why does it play, “Catch a Falling Star?” Jack had no answers, but it would have been cool if he said, “Well Claire, the mirror was a Joe Oesterle Double Your Money Back Guarantee from many seasons ago. Joe also says, dad used to sing that song to you when you were an infant, and he thought maybe if the two of us stared into this mirror at the same time, things would start to click for us on a subconscious level. Joe went further and stated this is also the song you sang to your alternate universe baby. Oh yeah, and Joe also said he would have taken me up on the Apollo Bar from the vending machine. He’s apparently real big on the bacon and chocolate craze that’s been sweeping county fairs in all the known realities. That Joe — he’s a swell guy, and ya know what else? He also predicted Sayid’s selfless sacrificial death immediately after Sayid came back to life in that filthy pool. I wish I were Joe Oesterle. He has all the answers… and the ones he gets wrong, he manages to conveniently never talk about again.”
As it turns out Jack never uttered those words. At least not in this universe, but I still contend it would have been really cool if he had. Maybe they’re saving that piece of dialogue for the series finale.
Inside the escape sub, Jack is busy tending to Kate’s wounds and outside Claire is freaking out to Smlocke that they once again left her behind. “Don’t sweat that detail sweetie,” Smlocke grins in the most menacing way to date. I wonder how long actor Terry O’Quinn spent in front of a mirror of his own perfecting that baleful beam?

Poseidon Adventure
Although Sayid was probably thinking, “Joe called this moment long ago” as he grabbed the bomb, and darted down the corridor on his redemptive suicide mission, his actual last words after telling everyone where Desmond was hidden were, “Because it’s going to be you, Jack.” In an episode entitled, “The Candidate,” and because there’s only 4 hours of programming left, it’s not impossible to imagine he was letting Jack know who the actual winning candidate was.
Boom goes the dynamite, and little pieces of the newly spiritually emancipated Sayid. Smack goes the steel door to Lapidus’ head. Swim like a fat Shelly Winters goes the fat Hugo Reyes, wounded Kate in tow. Leaving just Jack, cataleptic Sawyer, Jin and Sun — who’s not going anywhere. Eventually Jin convinces Jack to leave, and Jack realizes he once again has to let go.
Seems a shame but romantically fitting in a tragic way, that after years of searching for each other Sun and Jin were destined to drown mere moments after their happy reunion. Something tells me however we haven’t seen the last of these two crazy kids, and that something is a shot of SLU Jin walking down the hospital corridor; balloon in hand, visiting his pregnant wife.

Somebody Give Michael Phelps his Bong Back
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. These guys are really some powerful swimmers. I’m not sure how Jack was able to make the unconscious Sawyer breath through the oxygen tank, but I’m more impressed with these guys swimming up from the depths that would take a sub 5 minutes to climb. In Jeans and work boots no less. These two really ought to try out for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Or maybe they could go back in time to 1972 and take all of Mark Spitz’ medals. Can you imagine the endorsement deals a couple of gold-winning, time-traveling American swimmers would have? And the beauty party is unlike Spitz or Michael Phelps, these guys don’t have to spend 8 hours a day in training. Just slap a couple of Sketchers and pair of Levi’s and Jack and Sawyer will pwn every swimming record in the world.
On the beach, Hurley, Kate and Jack each break down at the realization Jin and Sun didn’t make it. I don’t know about you guys, but it was tough to see the big man in such pain. By the way, don’t count Frank Lapidus out as a casualty just yet. I need to see the corpse to believe it. Lapidus is still the only person on the island capable of piloting the plane, but more importantly, he now has cage sex orgies as incentive to live.

O’Quinn Pwns Again
As touching as the death of Jin and Sun was, it was so much corned beef hash compared to the delicious bacon of Terry O’Quinn’s performance as the guilt-ridden survivor of a plane crash that cost him his father’s humanity.
What happened, happened, and you can let it go. These were the words Jack used to comfort Locke as well as the words we’ve heard in different variations over the past three seasons. Jack has been struggling with “letting go” for the entire series, and while island-bound Jack seems to be on that road, SLU Jack is hoping Locke could once again show him the way. Locke rejects Jack’s offer, but is intrigued when Jack throws out a final plea, “I wish you would believe me.” Again, a variation of the words, but the exact sentiment John Locke wrote in his suicide note to Jack all those years ago. Locke paused, took it in and left, but we all suspect that’s not the last time this mentor and student will cross paths in this universe.
Somewhere on a remote island in an alternate plane of existence, a very powerful man who bears a striking resemblance to the physically fragile John Locke is more than a tad upset his plan to let the pawns kill each other didn’t go exactly as planned. He senses the true candidate is still alive, and this pisses him right the hell off.

Until Next Week
So until next week, fire up your Hi-Def TV, make sure you hit the record function on your TiVo, keep your laptop nearby, load up that bong, but in the meantime, please check out a new advice column on my website. Fellow LOST Maniacs Hanso and BobKM have already submitted and received some sage advice, and you can too. Ask any question your heart desires, and the Educated Fellow will provide you with an answer. Life is easier when you have the answers. http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2010/05/02/ask-an-educated-fellow/